Last Thursday I posted an article about missionaries. It was hugely read, and there were many comments both here and on Facebook. This is a follow-up to that post, and some of the comments, because I believe some clarification is in order. If you did not read it already, here it is: FYI: 18 is NOT the New 19.
But first, a poem, based on an old Indian legend.
The Blind Man and the Elephant
John Godfrey Saxe
It was six men of Hindustan
To learning much inclined,
Who went to see the Elephant
(Though all of them were blind)
That each by observation
Might satisfy the mind.
The first approached the Elephant
And happening to fall
Against his broad and sturdy side
At once began to bawl:
“Bless me, it seems the Elephant
Is very like a wall”.
The second, feeling of his tusk,
Cried, “Ho! What have we here
So very round and smooth and sharp?
To me ’tis mighty clear
This wonder of an Elephant
Is very like a spear”.
The third approached the animal,
And happening to take
The squirming trunk within his hands,
Then boldly up and spake:
“I see,” quoth he, “the Elephant
Is very like a snake.”
STOP! That is enough poetry for now – you get the point. If you want to read the rest of it, click here.
Why the poem? Because as the feedback to the post started rolling in, I was surprised to see how many different perspectives were being brought into the discussion. Some excellent and uplifting, others a bit “blind-man-ish.” What do I mean?
The first reader read the post and said “This feels a weak analogy.” (Asking a young man why he hasn’t submitted his mission papers in is the religious equivalent of asking a woman how much she weighs.)
I was surprised at how many people felt the need to explain in the comments, and on Facebook, why their version of the analogy would have been better than mine. The new-and-improved suggestion was usually based on personal experience, but rarely added to the discussion about the actual post. I get it – blog posts are not subject to private interpretation.
The second reader read the post and said “This feels like we shouldn’t even discuss missions with kids.”
Nothing could be further from my intentions. There are people who are duty-bound to understand what is going on inside the heads and hearts of our prospective missionaries. Beginning with the parents, the bishop, youth leaders, home teachers, etc. You could even add some sunday school and seminary teachers to the mix.
We as parents, bishops and leaders need to know where the young man stands, and the young man surely needs to know where we as parents and leaders stand. If you are in a position of stewardship, we can’t confuse “interfering with his agency” with keeping your opinion to ourselves. We must be bold! This only works when we have established a relationship that is deep enough to enter these discussions, and are motivated by love.
The previous post was more about manners. If we are not in a position of loving stewardship, then the prying questions are not our to ask – no matter how curious we are. The examples of delay that I offered were to satisfy some curiosities, and help convey the idea that some questions should not be asked.
The third reader read the post and said, “I see a huge mass of justification to not serve a mission, or to delay it.”
I sincerely hope that wasn’t a common reaction. It is obvious that we are supposed to be about “hastening the work,” and that young men are supposed to serve. President Monson said,
“We affirm that missionary work is a priesthood duty—and we encourage all young men who are worthy and who are physically able and mentally capable to respond to the call to serve.” (link)
Words like “duty” and “respond to the call,” make it quite clear that serving a mission is more than just one of the choices we can make as young men. It is the correct choice. There are lots of other wrong choices, but serving a mission is the obedient choice.
So it is not a question of “if,” it is a question of “when.” There seems to be some flexibility there, and that bothers some people. I was much more inflexible when the age was 19, and I have softened some since the 18 option opened up. A lot of maturing can happen in that year, and a lot of danger can happen during that year. I have witnessed both the beneficial and tragic sides of delaying service.
Here is what I think (And I am just some guy – not your leader):
• If my sons are on the road that is leading towards a mission, then they are on the right road.
• If the road is leading away from a mission, or is a “detour” from that road, they are on the wrong road.
It is more about direction that age. They could be 19 and working to earn money and be on the right road. They could also be 19 and working to avoid serving, and that is the wrong road. Same with school.
I guess what I am trying to say is that there is a difference between searching for a reason NOT to go, and working towards going.
Which leads us to the “Elephant in the Room.”
If all of us, young men, parents, and leaders are working together to make sure a young man is prepared to serve by the time he finishes High School, most of the issues that would cause delay, or elicit prying questions will be non-issues.
With the exception of health and emotional problems that might prevent a young man from serving, the others causes for delay can be resolved early if preparation is a major focus.
One of the best talks I have seen about this topic was from Elder David Bednar, back in 2005 OCtober Conference – a talk even more timely now with the age change. (I added the video below.)
He said, “You will not suddenly or magically be transformed into a prepared and obedient missionary on the day you walk through the front door of the Missionary Training Center. What you have become in the days and months and years prior to your missionary service is what you will be in the MTC.” (link)
Look at this list of counsel from the Brethren about preparedness, and you’ll see my point:
• Gain a testimony. (Perry)
• Commit to the idea of serving early. (Ballard)
• Learn the doctrine and know Preach My Gospel. (Ballard)
• Live For the Strength of Youth guidelines. (Ballard)
• Take Seminary seriously. (Perry)
• Take school seriously. (Perry)
• Exercise. (Ballard)
• Get a job, earn and save money. (Ballard)(Perry)
• Learn how to work hard. (Ballard)(Perry)
• Stay clean and be worthy. (Perry)
• Learn to recognize the Spirit. (Bednar)
• Develop social skills: Learn to interact with people face-to-face, not just digitally. (Perry)
• Be clean-cut, and clean-shaven – look like a missionary. (Perry) (Which makes the whole “No-Shave November” thing look a bit childish)
Which things on that list cannot be worked on before a young manis 18? NONE OF THEM. All of that counsel can, and should be followed from a very young age. It is when we neglect this counsel that most of the delays and detours take place.
I have sent two sons out on missions, I have two more to go. I am knee-deep in this, and so I really don’t want to be misunderstood – and I surely don’t want my words to be used as a justification for NOT doing what the Lord has called us to do.
Thanks for indulging me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KTM9kAvrtnA
I loved both posts. They both were correct and spot on. Those that feel they must be nosy can not only hurt the young soon-to-be missionary’s feelings, but seriously put undue stress on him and his family. When people feel as though they are under the looking glass, it can have a totally negative effect on someone who was on the right path but taking the time needed to be fully prepared. I know that I would much rather see my son go out at 20, 22 or 24 and be fully spiritually and temporally prepared, than at 18 and come home early or completed but still where he was or worse, regressed from where he was when he left.
Sometimes ill prepared missionaries come home still ill prepared. And it can be just as devastating then as it is when they may have to wait 6 extra months to a full year or two. Right now, my son at 14, three months ago, he wanted to serve a mission, and since school started, refuses to participate in Seminary, and says he doesn’t believe in God or the Gospel and that he was only doing what we asked because he didn’t want me to be mad. I have time to help him build a testimony and teach him and love him before he truly needs to make the missionary decision. However, if he were 18 right now and felt this way? Someone constantly pestering him about why he wasn’t serving yet could turn him completely away from the Gospel forever. Those that ask without really needing to know or having business to know but not necessarily out of love or concern for that young man, may cause more damage than good, but letting their curiosity keep them from remembering their manners.
Your last post was very negative. Maybe you should leave these decisions to prospective missionaries, their parents and bishops. You are probably out of line in even writing about this since you couldn’t possible know of all the different situations out there. You made is sound like 18-year-olds should not serve and cannot be successful even though President Monson said they should. Your post was negative, discouraging and did not in any way engender faith. Think about what you write.
“Maybe you should leave these decisions to prospective missionaries, their parents and bishops.” Right. Like I have the power to make these decisions for ANYONE.
And you are misrepresenting a prophet’s words. He never said they “should” serve at 18. Look it up, and think about what you write.
Yep, I am a parent. See my comment on your last post on this topic. Have a heart.
We all have struggles. If reading my blog causes yours to be greater, then please, don’t read it! I’m not going to post any more of your comments because they are getting increasingly spiteful and continue to misrepresent what I said, and what the prophet said.
Gilbert, I’m afraid you have misread the blog posts completely. They are almost 100% about leaving the decision of when to serve “to prospective missionaries, their parents and bishops.” In fact, that idea is repeated, um, repeatedly. I fully agree that there are those who are ready to serve at a younger age (my daughter, now 19, for example) and those who need more time to mature and practice coping with their own issues as adults (my bipolar, ADHD, generalized anxiety son, for example) before adding a mission to them. Those who are NOT the prospective missionaries, their parents, their bishops, and other leaders certainly do not need to add to the challenges young adults might be facing as they prepare themselves to serve as they want to.
We have a 20 year old daughter currently in the MTC. She had a really good job and was in school. She decided to finish the first semester before leaving. Great decision for her. W e live in a small town and there were many who left before her and that is ok. My daughter felt she needed the extra time to prepare. Now she has two weeks left and she will go for a real long air plane ride. Her time delayed was well worth it. She is one of two sister missionaries currently in the MTC going to the Baltic Mission, serving in Latvia. We have a 16 year old son, I personnaly feel he will also be better off delaying his mission. However when the time comes we will support whatever the choice he makes.
I love the clarity you write with. I completely agree with this post and the previous, and pretty much everything else you write. Your posts cause me to reflect and ponder more, and I appreciate that.
Any who have not done so should use the link to the full Blind Men and Elephant poem. It’s about religion, specifically religious contention. Also expand the picture of the Elephant and Blind Men at the head of the post, and have a look at the elephant’s eye. His expression is so perfectly apropos to the necessity of the follow on post, one might almost think the artist had read all the argumentative comments before drawing the picture. 🙂
To “Anonymous”…..My oldest child (see above), finished their Mission as a “Service Missionary”….it was an incredible year! So much was learned, both spiritually and secularly. As you watch you three boys grow and develop, keep this in the back of your mind….it is a wonderful way to accomplish Mission service, and the blessings are just as real. Good luck!
I think this is especially true right now for the boys closest to this change. I have a high-school senior son and I feel like we are playing “catch up” in terms of him being fully ready if he leaves at age 18. Many of my son’s friends would like to leave at 18 but have obstacles like you describe — braces still on, money they thought they’d have another year to earn, scholarships unable to be deferred. I think that by the time my 8-year-old reaches senior year many preparation aspects will have been accelerated toward the ready-at-18 goal, but I think the pressure will likely be worse by then too.
I love your approach! I’m still in the Primary phase of life and have 3 boys… 1 has some mild issueds already diagnosed; because they’re mild we strive to stretch him and help him learn to get along in mainstream society. Mild things aren’t readily seen and expectations are never loosened for “mild” issues. 1 has a very obviously undiagnosed issue (again mild to the outside world), but it’s not interferring with school so we’ve just worked with it at home to ensure he’ll be able to get along with mainstream society. 1 is such a little devil, cute but devil, handfull, he’ll be an awesome missionary if we can keep him on the right path. We’ve been trying to do preparation in their youth, but have also stressed how they’ll be successful with the things they’re striving to conquer. I love the prepare and expect, but leave it up the Lord to decide limitations at a later date approach. I’m definitely implelenting this.
I don’t understand how anyone could get the wrong impression. I totally understood what you were saying both the first and the last post. I always love hearing your perspective.
In addition to your list of things to prepare, a young man needs to prepare by spending some time away from home. Fortunately, scouting provides many opportunities for young men to be away from home and to take care of themselves. But, not all young men are scouters, and some will need other experiences to help them prepare to be on their own.
Without such experiences, I believe many young men that enter the MTC really struggle with being away from home for the first time.
I agree. If it is within the means of the parents and youth, EYF type activities are really good – an entire week away, roommates, etc.
Thank you for posts. I agree with the other comments – both your posts are spot on. I have had experience with the preparation phase as my husband and I have sent out one missionary and currently have a high school Senior in the beginning phases of preparation. Our first son went out at age 20. He wasn’t ready until then. He left high school, dabbled in college, but didn’t have a very successful first semester. He had dreams of a bicycling adventure with his friends that he wanted to do before his mission. Finally, he followed some timely promptings and decided to not delay his mission preparations any further. He began his spiritual preparations and began working to save $ as we required him to save $3,000 towards his mission. As he began working with the Bishop and Stake President, there was a worthiness issue that he had to work through as far as an addiction he had to overcome. He worked so hard in all these areas for about a year. He poured over the scriptures and Preach My Gospel. (he knew Preach My Gospel forwards and backwards). He was finally ready – money in the bank, worthy and probably one of the most spiritually converted and prepared missionaries I have ever seen.
The most difficult part of his preparation was the constant barrage of questions from “well wishers” about when he was going to put his papers in. It was awkward and embarrassing for him and sometimes for us. One of the reasons was very personal and not for public knowledge. That put alot of undue pressure on him and sometimes left him feeling down and somewhat defeated. I am glad that he persevered and went when he was ready. He was a fantastic missionary as a result.
As I look at my high school senior, I can see that he has a ways to go to gain the maturity he needs to be a successful missionary. While I do not want him to delay or get distracted after high school, I also want him to be prepared to go. I will not push him to go before he is ready and am trying to lovingly encourage him to do those things that will help him prepare. I fully agree that being prepared to go is more important than the age that they go.
I loved the first article and I loved this one just as much. I really respect your opinion which I find is a lot of times very much the same as my own only I’m not as eloquent in stating it. Thanks for writing your blog. It always is a treat to read.
You have said exactly the way I feel (& much better than I would have put it!). 🙂
“We as parents, bishops and leaders need to know where the young man stands, and the young man surely needs to know where we as parents and leaders stand. If you are in a position of stewardship, we can’t confuse “interfering with his agency” with keeping your opinion to ourselves. We must be bold! This only works when we have established a relationship that is deep enough to enter these discussions, and are motivated by love.”
I love the way you say things. Much more eloquent and direct than I can usually verbalize. When I read this statement of yours (the above quote) I immediately thought of the scripture account of Lehi’s dream. Lehi has found the tree of life and wants his family to partake. He looks around and finds some of his family and in 1 Nephi 8:15 it states, “And it came to pass that I beckoned unto them; and I also did say unto them WITH A LOUD VOICE that they should come unto me, and partake of the fruit, which was desirable above all other fruit.” As parents and leaders of youth, we need to teach/lead/guide/direct…. With a “LOUD” voice to rise above the cacophony of the world. Of course, not yelling and being obnoxious and “in their face” all the time. I look at this as meaning that we need to not back down, but to boldly speak (supporting the prophets words), with love—always with love. I am currently the YW president and there have been times I have felt to boldly express the importance of motherhood and womanhood. It is a sensitive subject to say the least.
I wholeheartedly agree with your post. I am currently serving a mission with my husband and we have seen first hand missionaries arrive who are not emotionally, physically or spiritually ready. Although most of our 18 year old elders and 19 year old sisters are doing a wonderful job, we also have had a substantial increase in missionaries who really should have waited to mature or repent before entering the mission field. Many of these have had to return home to take care of issues that should have been resolved before leaving home. Missionaries who are rushed into service before they are ready only create problems for themselves, their companions and their mission president.
I love the first post, completely understood and agreed with what you were saying.
Both posts were great. Both of my sons served missions and it was the most rewarding and challenging two years of their lives. It is a growing and refining experience even for the most prepared. Both sons can tell stories of missionaries who struggled their whole mission because they were not adequately prepared. It was a struggle for them and those around them. It is best to take the time necessary to be prepared and to have parents and leaders who do not ignore the warning signs of a poorly prepared missionary just to get them out there.
Sorry, there are a couple of grammatical errors in my post. Knew I should have worn my glasses, but was feeling to irritated with people to go find them. Still an excellent blog by you…
Maybe we should all focus on your grammar…
For a former journalist and writer, I sure do mess things up sometimes. The End.
THANK YOU for both posts. I personally experienced a child returning early from a mission due to an undiagnosed condition. It was DEVASTATING at first…but turned into a truly amazing experience for our family. I have a Missionary out right now, and things are going really well for this child. I have another child who “should” be out on a Mission right now. My spouse and I recognize this.The path is a slow one, and may yet end up with a surprise ending as we work with Medical personnel.
Additionally….it is important to remember that one of the mitigating factors in the Brethren making this age decision was to accommodate youth outside of North America who have mandatory military service at age 20. If you listen carefully to the GC announcement, you will note that Pres Monson referred to previously deciding “on a case by case basis” whether or not a youth could serve earlier to accommodate a desired Mission AND Military service. By standardizing the guidelines, it eliminated the administrative time that was required to review each request.
Mission service is best completed by youth who are willing and READY to serve, whatever age that may be.
Your reference of the blind men and elephant was TOTALLY apropos! LOVE that poem! Given that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, perhaps you should consider a half dozen prefatory lines at the start of such serious posts, thus:
This post IS about…
This post is NOT about…
WIth almost any blog, there will be supporters and naysayers. Part 2, supported and clarified (although none was needed) Part 1. If nothing else, you are well-spoken and your posts are plainspoken (not in a bad way), to the point and well-referenced. I appreciate your sensitivity in feeling your need to make sure those who would use your words against you understand more precisely the meaning of those words, but your are not responsible for their negative interpretations or defensiveness. I don’t usually stand up for you (for the most part it is unnecessary, or I just let you swing in the wind when you are, um. mistaken), but in this case, I wanted you to know I have your back. Good job 3M.
I completely agree with this. I support Brooklyns decision that she made with prayer not to go- however we expect Sawyer- who just turned 14 – to go . He does have high functioning Autism, but we told him to shoot for no less than a full time mission, Wait for the Lord to tell him his limits- no one else. and to do everything in his power to serve within his capacity. We have full faith he will serve, and should serve. And he should expect nothing less of himself. Aim to please the Lord, and he will be successful.
Most excellent.
Your posts are both spot on. I would, however, add that sometimes there are things that won’t be noticed before 18. I had some emotional trouble, but we had no idea how bad. I went to college for two semesters, turned 19 while there, and had hell break loose inside my head. It has gotten to a severity that I am on an anti-psychotic. Despite all this, I still know that I have been personally asked to serve a mission. It’s a heck of a long road there, but I’ll make it.
Loved the first post. Loved the second post. Neither were ambiguous. Spot on!
I thought that your last post was dead on, I am surprised that anyone interpreted it in these other ways. When President Monson made the announcement about changing the age when missionary service can commence didn’t he also add that it would be in consultation with the leaders who actually know the missionaries? I seem to remember him saying something to that effect. Pretty much mirrors what you are saying here, and what you said before. Don’t pester someone for not being gone yet because they likely have reasons, that was the message I read. I learned of an incident that happened with a friends Grandmother the other day. She fell and hit her head, the missionaries were there and they didn’t know what to do, they didn’t handle it as well as they could have. They were waiting on the porch for her husband to get home, they didn’t want to go into her house without him there even though she clearly needed help. They were trying to stick to the rule book which is good, but in this situation being that it was an emergency they didn’t make the right decision. This was all likely due to immaturity. Her Grandmother is ok and the neighbor was close by and knew what to do, he took her to the hospital since she was refusing an ambulance. They just didn’t know how to handle the situation and the way they did was how a bunch of kids would. I am not trying to criticize them, I hope that they learned the lesson that was being presented…what does this have to do with your post? Some young men despite the best efforts of their parents and leaders need a little extra time to mature and that is not bad. Thanks for sharing this!