Thoughts on 30, From Both of Us

Last Monday my EC and I celebrated 30 years of wedded bliss. Thanks to so many of you for the sweet congratulatory notes.  Thirty years is a long time, and to many in the world, nothing short of miraculous. To us, it is just a very cool landmark on the way to eternity.

We did get a few requests on marriage tips, and, more specifically, several people mentioned that they would like to hear from my EC regarding her thoughts about marriage. I understand that you might be getting sick of me, so I asked her. Her immediate response was “blogging is your thing – not mine.” But after a few minutes conversation, I think she realized that she has plenty to contribute to this conversation, so here goes. (Thanks, Sweetie!)

Note: All marriages are wildly different. This is just our opinion regarding what makes our marriage successful. Your mileage may vary, your opinion may vary, and your professional expertise might be different. Got it. But this is what works for us.

EC: We have learned that we are happier when we are putting the one we love before ourselves. This runs counter to the “Natural Man.” The natural man is selfish and worries about “What’s in it for me?”  That is a recipe for disappointment. I think that if you worry about self first, you start arguing more, holding grudges, and other problems will creep in. But when you start caring about the other person and try to put them first, those things fade away, life is smoother, and your love grows. (Sounds a lot like reading a book about marriage, I know. That doesn’t make it less true.)

MMM: Agreed. Putting our spouse first is a no-brainer if you want a happy marriage. However, if you try this, you have to make sure you don’t fall into the trap of “keeping score.”  If you keep track of how many diapers your husband has changed, or how many times your wife has initiated sex, you don’t understand. Keeping score turns into frustration, disappointment and ammunition for the next, inevitable fight. Putting your spouse first has to be honest. There has to be a purity in your motivation, or it is simple a manipulation.

(Note: Just for reinforcement, go to LDS.org and do a search on the words “Selfishness” and “Marriage.” There is enough there to keep you busy for weeks.)

EC: You have to be able to talk about everything. You can’t hold back, you can’t hold grudges. It has taken a long time, but we have learned to deal with our disagreements more quickly, instead of spending hours, days or weeks, thinking, pouting, sulking or suffering. Faster is better, but sometimes it forces us to swallow our pride and find some humility to get the conversation on the road to healing.

MMM: I have blogged about it before, but I think the people who say it is OK to go to bed angry are nuts. I have spent enough nights tossing and turning because I was too proud to apologize that I don’t ever want to do that again. My goal? Repent fastest and apologize first. (One of my personal rules of being a father and husband.)

I attended a leadership conference where a visiting authority made an observation that stuck in my brain, paraphrased: “I can’t help but think there will be a lot of surprised men who get to heaven only to be told that their wife has no desire to spend eternity with him because the way he treated her on earth. She has had enough.”

EC: One of the things that feeds our marriage is a faithful adherence to a weekly date night. It accomplishes a lot of things: We get away from the house and kids. We get to do something fun, (even though some date nights have just been wandering around Walmart.) Whatever we are doing, a date night gives us an opportunity for uninterrupted conversation – which helps with the previous thing I said about the importance of talking.

We have also traveled a lot, even when the kids were small. Leaving together sends the message to the family that our marriage is the Primary relationship and supersedes all others. It gives us chance to create shared experiences and memories that are just about the two of us. Those shared memories add depth and can be reflected on when times are tough.

MMM: My EC radiates goodness. She could never be a professional poker player, or a spy, because she is a terrible liar. She shows her emotion, and I consider that a blessing. I know when something is wrong, and I especially know when that something is me. It is difficult for me to be angry at her because when I look in her eyes, I melt and can’t support any unkind feelings. There is a real connection there that must be spiritual in nature.

EC: Marriage is hard work? We’ve never felt that way – mostly because we are each other’s favorite person, and we love – crave – being together. I used to have this fantasy that married life and motherhood would be all about having a perfectly clean home and greeting the kids at the door with freshly baked cookies. We’ve learned that life isn’t a little storybook. Life can be hard. The marriage part isn’t. The marriage part is the solution to the hard life.

I always thought that our marriage would be more “traditional” in the division of labor, which has helped us realize that there really is no division of labor. The lines creating the division of labor are quite blurred. Due to my health problems over the years, MMM has had to step up and do a lot of the things that I expected to be doing for him and the family. Sometimes it is hard to accept that, but it is the reality, and he has done an amazing job not making me feel guilty about it – because I have enough of that on my own.

MMM: Some years ago, my EC had a terrible accident that put her in a hospital bed for several months. (More detail on this in my next book.) When she was out of commission, with four small children in the home, I quickly realized that there was no such thing as a division of labor – just things that needed to be done. It disabused me of the idea that I should “expect” anything. I have known men who are upset if dinner isn’t hot and on the table at 5:30pm. Seriously?

That experience also gave me empathy as to what it takes to be a mother, all while running a business and playing nurse. It altered the way I look at life, work, marriage and parenting. A great blessing for our family – through great suffering by my EC.

EC: That we’ve reached thirty years is an amazing thing. I’m glad it has been with MMM, and I want to spend eternity with him, but I also want spend every minute with him here. Our marriage has been an amazing ride, but I wish it would slow down.

MMM: The promise of eternity is amazing and wonderful, but the idea of eternity without my EC would make the whole endeavor ring hollow to me.

Both of us, independently: We know that there are teachings that people don’t necessarily have “soul mates,” and that is most likely true. However, that doesn’t preclude the possibility that in some cases there are. We feel we are one of those cases.

Note: You are probably wondering where FHE, temple attendance, family prayer, church attendance are in this discussion. To us, those are implicit in our marriage. Those are things that are no-brainers, and well-covered by the Lord and our leaders, so we leave that to them.