Peer Pressure: The Joys and Irritations
When I was young, people always used to talk about “Peer Pressure” as a sort of evil bewitchment that can sneak into the lives of young women and men and destroy them. Now that I am older, and wiser, I can confidently say that…yeah, that’s a fair assessment.
Three of my five kids have moved on, with two remaining at home. I have watched as peer pressure has worked to help them become stronger, righteous kids, and also watched it cause them anxiety and frustration, and cause conflict in our home.
Kids want to be like their friends, and do the stuff everyone else is doing. That’s how it’s always been, and forever will be. Sometimes that can be a good thing – sometimes, not so much.
From a positive standpoint, I have seen how peer pressure has impacted my kids for good. It is reassuring to parents to know that their kids are hanging out with like-minded youth who are trying to do what it right.
For example, I know that my kids and their friends have walked out of movies before. I think that is so awesome. They have already learned that you can’t trust the ratings system, and that even some PG and PG-13 movies are not appropriate. I admire their collective conscience, and their courage.
We are blessed to live in an area where most of the LDS kids go to Sunday meetings and mutual. With a youth program of over 100 kids in our ward, the attendance has hovered around 95% for years and years. I am quick to acknowledge that there is parental pressure at play, but also peer pressure. There is some sort of collective mass that can be reached in a large program where everybody is doing it, and so everybody does it.
These kind of peer pressures make it so much easier to be a parent. If the kid is already on board, it becomes a non-issue. Peace and joy.
But it’s not all peace and joy. There are some things that seem to be recurring points of opposition in our home that are driven by negative peer pressure. The frustrating thing is that the issues are not merely driven by the kids, but by their parents as well.
—This will be the required place to explain that I am not passing judgment on anyone, nor condemning anyone. So don’t get all worked up. We all know that there are some choices we make that are more visible that others. For example, my kids, their friends, and my neighbors don’t know if I read my scriptures or watch R-rated movies. Because of that, my actions in those areas do not cause “peer pressure” for anyone else.
If I had a penchant for drinking beer and swearing at the neighborhood kids in the front yard, THOSE things could be observed. If that were the case, I would expect people around me to point it out to their kids and say “Don’t do what MMM is doing.” Is that a form of judgment? Perhaps. But it is proper judgment. —
Back to my point: There are a few things that are very common in the LDS culture around me that cause chronic negative pressure on my kids and our family. They are not big things – they are not being pressured to do hard drugs or join gangs, etc. Thankfully they are not life-and-death pressures, but they come with some consternation and are incessant.
First: FHE night night. My kid’s phones start lighting up at 8:00pm with their friends asking “Are you done with FHE yet? Can you come hang out?” We also have adults calling us and saying, “Sorry to call on a Monday, but I figured you were done with FHE.”
That’s not how it is supposed to work: Besides FHE, “No other activities should involve our family members on Monday night. This designated time is to be with our families.” Elder L. Tom Perry, “The Importance of Families.” Pretty simple, yes? You would never know. You aren’t “done” with FHE until you get up Tuesday morning.
Yet the phones ring, kids plan parties, hang out, go to movies on Monday nights – leaving my kids to believe that they are somehow the only kids in the entire church who are expected to follow that specific counsel. And it makes me look like a tyrant for trying to follow the counsel of our leaders.
The families who choose not to follow that counsel make it tougher for me to be a parent. So, I am resigned that most every Monday night, I will have an unhappy kid.
Second: The whole pre-mission boyfriend/girlfriend thing. It is crystal clear that church standards are that kids aren’t supposed to pair off, but in our area it seems like nobody cares. Everybody’s doing it. So many of my kid’s friends have had boyfriends/girlfriends that it messes up the whole group-date dynamic. It even ruins some friendships – because when one kid won’t “like-like” another, it can turn into a full-scale “Mean Girls” war.
Either the parents are oblivious, complicit, or powerless. The un-willingness, or inability of families to follow this counsel makes it harder for me to be a parent, and my kids, again, feel like they are the only ones expected to follow that counsel in the entire known LDS universe.
(For more detail on these standards, please read a previous post, here)
Third: Missionary Open Houses. Back in 2002, our beloved prophet, Gordon B. Hinckley, stood up in General Conference and said this:
“We hope also that holding elaborate open houses after the sacrament meeting at which the missionary speaks will not prevail. Members of the family may wish to get together. We have no objection to this. However, we ask that there be no public reception to which large numbers are invited.” (“To the Men of the Priesthood.“)
Most of us love and miss President Hinckley, but if you used this counsel as an indicator, you would never know it. In my area it is almost completely ignored. Most of the departing missionaries have open houses – complete with invitations and oodles of people. Everybody’s doing it.
A few years back, our Stake made a push to encourage that we follow this counsel – they reenforced it in Stake Conference, and even asked the bishops to refrain from attending such open houses.
Yet almost every Sunday evening, one of my kids is off to an open house. I stay home. Resident curmudgeon. I am the meanest man in the world.
You may note that the common thread in these three irritants is that all of them set me up to be the bad guy with my kids. All the other parents are nice, and I am the tyrant…
To avoid sounding too self-righteous, I’ll admit there are probably things that I do that cause other parents to think, ‘I wish MMM wouldn’t do that – it makes it harder for me as a parent.” I will spend some time thinking about what those things are, and try to set them right. I truly don’t want to make it harder for anyone than it already is.
We are all in this together. When we make legitimate attempts at following standards, we create a positive peer pressure that can benefit other members of our wards, stakes and families.
Ultimately, it is all comes down to our individual families, but I could use a little help here.
Question: in regards to the open houses for missionaries, how do you feel about a going- away party, not on a Sunday, for the elder or sister? I like your insights, so was wondering what you thought:)
I don’t know that it matters what day. Besides, what are we celebrating? The potential of what they might accomplish? If they come back three weeks later, I’ll bet it feels a little awkward.
I say celebrate the returning heroes after they have actually done something to celebrate.
You make a really good point about people who don’t make it through their mission, even for valid reasons, that would be awkward. thanks for the insight!
The one that drives me nuts is bikini’s. Hello…we’ve been counseled not to wear bikini’s so why are these YW wearing them to WARD pool parties and such?!? Where is the mom and dad saying ‘I don’t think so young lady’? Oh wait, that’s right, the mom is wearing a bikini too! Drives me nuts. Some of the wards that my husband and I have been in had to make the rule that – no more ward pool parties ever- because too many girls/women were showing up in immodest swimwear. If you want to wear that in your own pool, in your backyard, with no one else around that’s your business…but really, WARD functions? Come on.
I think you need to follow the council of the leaders because it is right and in the long run will make your life better regardless of what other people are doing, from an example in my own life, a couple of years ago I remembered hearing council about not playing video games (or something like) anyway I was really into games on facebook, so I quit cold turkey and started reading inspirational blogs and things on Sunday instead (which is how I found this one BTW). Made a HUGE difference in my life!
More of use need to HEAR and DO.
I enjoyed the post and other comments. I agree with you MMM, it would be nice to have more positive peer pressure with kids and parents both.
I have a missionary finishing his mission in a few months and would consider a small return with honor party rather than a farewell. But I imagine most missionaries have something like a party when they get off the plane after a successful mission. Still saving a ‘reception’ for a wedding. (Not a Utah resident.)
I love the idea of having a big party after they get home – they deserve it! They actually have accomplished something at that point!
FHE has to be a no call night from 6:00 pm on for my family. It is just better for us with our fluctuating FHE start time. It seemed best to have one uninterrupted meal too.
I relate to Claudia, I have had to glare at my former-bishop/husband for making and receiving calls to and from others on Monday nights-it felt like he was giving the okay. Ahhh! It always was preceived to be important.
I wish I could have been like Sister Monsen and never complained while my husband was a bishop. Fail.
Thanks,for the post. My son is getting ready to serve the Lord on a full time mission (to Mexico City) and I have been looking for Pres. Hinkleys talk on missionary farewells because, I want to follow the rules.
I’m one of those moms who has found it easier to be consistent with FHE if we do it on Sunday. However, since I know Mondays are set aside for FHE I give others the opportunity to be with their families by leaving them alone.
I love rules. I love the safety that comes with obedience. It’s impossible to be perfect at everything. But that doesn’t give us permission not to try. When I teach a class filled with Gospel principles, my hope is that people will find find one or two to work on. By adopting one principle at a time, I realize how it has been stepping stones for me to getting closer to Father in Heaven.
So far, my children are choosing obedience. But when the time comes for my “bad guy” hat, I’ll wear it with pride. I’m hear on earth to be friendly to my children, but not to be their friend. I hope I continue to love them enough,as things get tougher, to not let them pressure me into helping them compromise their beliefs.
MMM is the wisest stranger I know 🙂
The first Monday night after my hubby was called as bishop, our phone rang more than any other Monday night. . . and the first of those calls was another bishop.
Totally unaware of the whole “make Monday only FHE and nothing else” quotes. They were interesting and enlightening, it is possible I’m not the only one who hadn’t thought of it that way… Also, grew up with parents with the attitude of if we did something as a family that counted just as much as an organized FHE meeting. Now I’m a mom, but my kids are younger so I haven’t experienced the friends calling to play thing. But DH sometimes has to work and its just me and the kids. Happy when I’ve actually held some sort of spiritual thought and survived the evening.
Thank you for this post…I get it. I’m one of those peculiar people that tries really hard to follow what our prophet tells us. I had plenty of obstacles thrown my way while bringing up our children. They were eight through fourteen when we joined the church. Try telling your kids their life is suddenly changing dramatically-ha! Some of our rules already mirrored what we were taught in church. But the whole ‘keeping the Sabbath Day holy’ was a battle for awhile. I am happy to say my kids all ‘got it’ after awhile. I’m not saying we are better than anyone else. But I have always appreciated it when other parents understood why we felt the need to stick to our standards.
Mormon subculture…why does it have to be so off from the Gospel on so many topics? Every week I am reminding myself of why I go to church so these petty issues don’t make me leave. I realize that we are all in ‘different places’ in regards to our testimonies and understanding, however I’m surprised more people don’t question the subculture and instead assume that it is the Gospel.
Dear MMM—I really, really appreciated your comments. I am not going to read the other 22 comments before me, so it is very possible I am repeating someone else, but since we learn through repetition, I will excuse myself 🙂
We do not have 100 youth, we have six…three live at my house. We are still the uncool ones. My husband feels as you do….family HOME evening, means that is where we are and we are together and we don’t even answer the phone, and he is currently the bishop. We don’t do the girlfriend/boyfriend thingy either. Our kids don’t even have cell phones/game boys/ or a gaming system (we are the only ones in the entire LDS universe too). (and we would have to actually HAVE some missionaries in order to be fighting the open house thingy, but the one who is out comes from our house too.)
When my children complain that everyone else is doing it, I remind them that I am not raising them to ‘be everyone else,’ ‘we are not like everyone else,’ and here that is true. I understand we are all in it together and I think we should all support each other, but sometimes we get flack from the other ward/stake parents because they feel our standards are too high for them to live by, so we get bashed as being tyrants….yes, by the adults.
There are issues all around. We are each just trying to do the best we can, at the level we understand and are willing to live. I would hope all of us would be patient in each area of our learning and development. We’re just in different places. Sorry you get to be the resident curmudgeon….it doesn’t mean it isn’t the right place to be. 🙂
Husband and I always felt frustrated with the sweet and well-intentioned people who would sit behind us in sacrament and feed our children atomic orange, cheesy crumbly snacks that get all over the pew–often without asking us first. Other young parents do it, since it’s “only fair” because they’re feeding their kids and we’re the ridiculous type that don’t pack a 4 course meals to sacrament. Older ladies feed our kids, because they are just that cute, they NEED sugar and messy crumbles of crackers. Husband, being a conscientious and reverent sort of guy, always feels obliged to sweep and vacuum our area after sacrament when this happens.
Then one day we are at the temple. On a walk around the temple grounds, the two year old falls and busts his face open on the gravel. How does the temple president respond, in the pristine and white carpeted confines of the temple waiting room? He gives all six children in our party crumbly orange crackers. Yup.
Also, when we take our kids out of sacrament, it’s a consequence. It’s not meant to be fun run-around the foyer with your homies time. They have to sit in our laps until they promise to be good in the chapel. Unfortunately, EVERY OTHER PARENT in the universe is letting their kids run around with their homies. It can be vexing to be the uncool one.
I don’t know what the point of this comment is, other than to outline that we in the younger parent arena suffer this angst, too.
Then these are for you…
http://www.middleagedmormonman.com/2012/03/thoughts-on-reverence.html
http://www.middleagedmormonman.com/2012/03/reverence-table.html
Sorry, it just struck me wrong. This time I responded. We didn’t do a lot of things that Mormons tend to think as essential and yet our kids turned out good. Perhaps it was more down to their choices rather than our parenting skills. I like your blog and your style of humor.
Sorry but I disagree. To me it feels more like the letter of the law and not the Spirit of the law. Sometime our circumstances are that we can’t all keep the commandments the perfect way that you think they should be kept. Sometimes we have to choose and work on that particular commandment. Then choose and work on another. If I have to be perfect in keeping all of them right now, I might as well give up now. I think a little mercy and understanding of people who are also trying to do the best that they can but are falling short in some areas.
In my experience the “letter vs spirit of the law” argument is usually used to justify not living the law.
Elder Nelson recently referred to picking and choosing which commandments to obey has recently been referred to in Conference as “cafeteria approach to obedience.” It is a great talk:
http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2011/04/face-the-future-with-faith?lang=eng
I disagree with your interpretation that I expect perfection. And knowing that you have followed my blog for a long time, you should know by now that I am far, far, from perfect. If you don’t believe me, ask my EC.
I never claimed that I am better than others. Merely pointing out that there are some standards that cause peer pressure when they are not followed in a community.
As for choosing our own standards, I would suggested that there are only two standards to choose from: A) The Lord’s standards as revealed, and B) Everything/Anything else.
Opinions don’t really have a place in that discussion.
I am not sure about this post. I understand what you are saying, I guess, but it bothers me. You seem to be saying that if all the LDS parents were as good as me and choose to keep the commandments the way that me and my family do, then life would be grand. However, we are at different places along the path. I wasn’t that strict when raising my kids. Once FHE was done, we were free to go off and do other things. I wasn’t that perfect. According to Mormon standards, I was definitely liberal in raising my kids. We let them have some freedoms. According to my extended family’s standards, I was very very conservative. They had non LDS friends and knew how to say that our standards were different. They didn’t claim that other friends were LDS and could do stuff because they knew that our opinion was that we did things our way and others did things their way. It wasn’t always wrong or right but different. By the time they were teens, they were choosing their standards and living them. I wish you well.
I didn’t know there was more than one way to keep the commandments. You either do or you don’t, right? He did leave a disclaimer that he’s not passing judgment.
I just taught a lesson in Relief Society about Standing for Truth and Righteousness. We talked about the importance of defending truth- and I mentioned that sometimes it takes the most courage to defend truth among fellow Latter-day Saints. I remember being in a room with 7 other LDS adults (all with kids) as the group was deciding what movie to go see following dinner. I left the room to attend to a child and when I got back they told me the movie they decided on. When they told me, I looked at them and said, “Isn’t that rated R?” They all dropped their heads and looked at the ground. There was a lot of “Oh…ummm….uhhh…” I told them I wouldn’t be watching it. It ended up that nobody went to the movie that night-but I did feel that some of them thought I was a little too Molly Mormon for my own good.
I figure I have to do what I know is right regardless of what others think. I am grateful to know there are other members who really do TRY to follow the counsel, standards, and commandments found in the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
Thank you for this post! My kids are still young and the highlight of their week is still spending time with the family on family night. But I’m worried about what the future may bring raising kids in Utah.
I grew up in a stake in California that consisted of a little more than a county. Members where few and far between. Most of my friends in the stake held the same standards that my family expected me to follow. And the ones that didn’t knew they were in the wrong because they knew what their church leaders have counseled all of us. It was really easy explaining to my non member friends that I couldn’t participate in some of their activities because it was against my standards as a member of the church. If they questioned it, it was out of curiosity about the church and not so much peer pressure. They also didn’t question it because all of the other members they knew kept the same standards. I understand that this would have been a completely different situation if other members weren’t keeping these standards.
I love Utah but I’m worried about some of the conflicts it will bring up as my kids see other members not following counsel from our church leaders.
Right on point MMM! Great post.
I paired off in HS–and now that I’m grown and a parent, I wish I hadn’t. One thing that was amazing though is that the parents’ of the boy I dated had a rule that every third date had to be with someone else. They (and he) encouraged me to stick to the same rule.
I remember Home Coming one year. He had to work and I was the commissioner over HC. I was bummed about planning and decorating for a dance I wasn’t even going to. Because people knew our rule, I still got asked. 2 hours later I found out his work schedule had changed and he asked me to go. I told him I was sorry, but I had already been asked by someone else. I suggested he ask the other commissioner that didn’t have a date either. I even helped him ask her. I actually got a letter from the mother of the boy I went with thanking me for going with her son (they were a less active family in my ward).
Initially I thought his parents rule was very weird–but I respected them so I followed it. Now I’m so grateful for their ‘crazy rule’ and intend to have the same rule with my children.
We are told that the greatest persecution will come from members or former members of the church. I see it around me, too. It’s the whole “wheat and tares” thing.
Just so you know… our kids are “the only kids in the entire middle school” that don’t have cell phones…We actually have seen the blessings that come from following the church guidelines. As our older children live all over the world,I am blessed to watch them incorporate the same principles in their own homes.
Is there a church guideline about when kids should get cell phones?
FHE – I TOTALLY agree! It was so frustrating when our sons were in High School and their friends would invite them over to their homes for movies, swimming, games, etc. The ‘worst’ was the son of a member of the Stake Pres. I even called and talked to the mom – a good friend – and she said that they had FHE on Sunday, so it was fine for them. We finally figured out a way to make our home on FHE more appealing – we invited a young man in the ward that didn’t have active family, was a little older and a lot of fun to join us in our home for FHE. Now, my husband is the Bishop of a YSA ward…and we still feel the same. If they live at home, we prefer the YSAs to be with their own families on FHE – but a lot of them don’t have FHE in their home, etc. So that opportunity is provided. Boyfriend/Girlfriend before mission – thankfully that wasn’t a problem for us. We had 2 sons who had lots of friends that were girls and weren’t interested in getting paired up. But I had multiple moms call me and ask me to TELL my sons to ask their daughters out since those girls had a crush on them. NO WAY JOSE….I didn’t get involved in that! And now both sons are married and have a family of their own. However, another observation from the YSA Ward, is that a lot of these young guys and gals that never ever dated during High School are now finding it awkward and uncomfortable to ‘begin dating’ so they just don’t do it. I’m not encouraging pairing off in High School, but I would encourage socializing in groups and dating. It’s much better to be awkward when everyone else is going through that same stage than to be awkward and trying to figure out how to date, etc when many others have moved on to courtship, etc. Missionary Farewells and Open Houses….ugh! Our sons were ‘pre-counsel’ on this but we still kept our gathering small. Some refreshments and time to have friends get together the evening before. You may not be aware that in Utah many missionary farewells and parties were literally receptions. Sometimes held in the same rented facilities that had wedding receptions. Decorations, money trees, receiving lines, speeches, etc. So if in those areas people are scaling back and having people to their home with some refreshments, they might well be following the counsel of Pres. Hinckley! Again – with the YSA Ward, we now have lots of missionaries leaving and coming home. We have other challenges. When a missionary within 60 miles is leaving and speaking in Sacrament Meeting, our own attendance goes waaaaay down. It can be tricky to have enough Priesthood available to pass the sacrament! And in our Stake, our returned missionaries are asked to speak monthly with the High Council – which makes it tricky when they are EQ Pres, RS Pres, Gospel Doctrine teacher, etc. On those Sundays, we have a noticeable group of our members gone – every month…sigh. Yes – they are getting wonderful opportunities to speak and share their testimony and experiences and hopefully also setting a good example to other young ladies and young men who are making a decision to go on a mission in the future, but it still leaves our YSA ward a limping a bit each time.
Yes, yes and yes.
In some ways peer pressure in the church is worse than peer pressure out of it.
so very true
When I was growing up – in a very non-mormon mission field area- we had FHE every week. We, of course, did not have cell phones, but all of us kids wanted to answer the phone if it rang. My dad “compromised” by insisting that if we answered the phone, we answered it by saying, “Petersens Family Home Evening.” We usually let it ring…..
My mom always did that too – she’d answer the phone “MacQueen family night” – boy, we’re we embarrassed as teenagers!! Now, the parent of teenagers, I find myself thinking maybe it’s not such a bad idea 🙂
But, I’m different and my situation is unique. Therefore, I can do what I feel is best regardless of the prophets counsel and it’s fine.
Right? RIGHT?!?
Sucks being the mean parent, but I have always felt that if I’m not ticking my kids off (or embarrassing them for that matter) on a weekly basis, then I’m not doing my job right.
Be a parent, not their friend and hold strong to the principles. They’ll think you’re the meanest ever, and then poof! – one day they grow up and you are suddenly the smartest, best parents ever.
I totally agree with you!
I was taught that Monday was FHE, so I don’t even answer the phone, then if I get the why didn’t you call? or why didn’t you answer the phone? My answer is ‘its FHE’. Even if we aren’t having FHE that night I respect and expect that others are.
Dating, we really don’t have to worry, our only boy (18 now) isn’t social at all; but I do try to teach that to our YW.
Mission Open House, again don’t have to worry about it; the 18 year old professes to be atheist because “his mother never did the ‘religious thing’ and its easier that way”. (Me trying real hard to deal with this.)
But again I totally agree with you, and hang in there, someday your kids will thank you for all the tyrant acts.
My oldest is 10, so most of these issues aren’t a problem yet. However, my kids are always begging to see the latest PG-13 superhero movie. Now don’t get me wrong; I’m usually among the first to see these great films, but I don’t think my 10 year old should see them. While some of them may be perfectly clean, except for some CGI violence, I find it easier to just draw the line and not relent. My kids like to tell me, “so-and-so’s parents let them see it.” My response has always been, “well your parents are better than theirs.” I mean this half-joking. Unfortunately, my very literal son actually quoted this to his best friend, resulting in an interesting phone call from that friend’s mom. Regardless, I still think it’s a good, hard-to-argue-with response. You’re welcome to give it a shot. PS I also use it when they ask to have sleepovers. Keep up the good fight, MMM. The GA’s have our back: http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2010/10/courageous-parenting?lang=eng
My mom raised me with a similar “your parents are better” approach or the “they don’t know better” approach. BOTH make me bristle and create feelings of superiority and snooty judgement in the kids. That’s definitely NOT in line with Gospel standards. When she’s said things like that to my kids I cut her off cold. We’ve chosen to approach it from the angle of Agency. Their family is using their agency to allow PG-13 movies. YOUR parents are using their agency and NOT allowing it. Now when they come whining or complaining that they don’t get to do something, all we have to say is “Agency” and the discussion is over. Cultivating judgmentalism in our children does nothing to foster feelings of love toward less active/new members and really does damage in the non-member realm.
Ooh. My kids are still too young for any of those to be a problem BUT they are all pet peeves of mine! One day they will make it harder for me to be a parent too.