I saw this coming – the good and the bad – and you probably did, too.
Last October, President Monson announced the change in missionary age requirements, and wonderful things have happened. There are more full-time missionaries serving that ever before, and more sister missionaries than ever before. Excellent, prepared, strong young men and women are all across the globe teaching the gospel of Jesus Christ. It is awesome.
The age change for Elders to 18, and the sisters to 19 has been a tremendous blessing to many, and is, in turn, blessing the entire world. I know young people who might have charted a different course for their lives, had this opportunity been available sooner. The change has been a godsend to many.
That is the “good” I saw coming. The bad? I mentioned it in post last year entitled “Early Elders: Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril.” I expressed concern that 18 would become the new 19, and we, as a church culture, would begin to apply pressure on young men if they don’t leave right when they turn 18. (This is directed at young men missionary service, but you may apply it to the sisters as you see fit.)
I have a few young friends that I have known for years that decided to wait a little before they submit their missionary applications. Their reasons are their own. But, the questions and comments have begun:
“Have you put your papers in?”
“I thought you would be gone by now.”
“Didn’t you turn 18 last summer?”
“Why are you still here?”
Here is the easiest way I can describe how I feel about such questions: Asking a young man why he hasn’t submitted his mission papers in is the religious equivalent of asking a woman how much she weighs.
Bad form.
Sure, close family members, a Bishop, Stake President, young men leaders, and home teachers should know the answer to that question – but even they don’t walk up to him at Sacrament meeting at hit him with a “What are you still hanging around here for?”
As one of my FOMLs would say, “It’s ‘Nunya.'” As in Nunya Business.
I understand that some of those unfortunate questions and comments come from pure hearts and good intentions, but I also know that sometimes it is flat out nosiness.
Since those questions are out there, I’ll list some of the reasons that an 18 year-old might not be rushing to leave on his mission.
1) Nobody is asking him to. When President Monson announced the change, he used the word “option” TWICE.
“I am pleased to announce that effective immediately all worthy and able young men who have graduated from high school or its equivalent, regardless of where they live, will have the option of being recommended for missionary service beginning at the age of 18, instead of age 19. I am not suggesting that all young men will—or should—serve at this earlier age. Rather, based on individual circumstances as well as upon a determination by priesthood leaders, this option is now available.” (link here)
An option is not an edict.
Elder Russell M. Nelson added: “These age adjustments are new options now available to bishops in evaluating what is best for each of their youth. Young men and young women should not begin their service before they are ready spiritually and temporally.” (link here)
2) He is just not ready spiritually. Of the young people I know that are preparing to serve missions, this one seems to be less frequent that other factors. Today’s youth are spiritually strong – remarkably so. However, if a young man or woman is not solid in his/her testimony, they shouldn’t be out serving. A mission is not a self-help program to grow a testimony. So, if a young man doesn’t feel that he is quite “there” yet, some extra time and effort might just make the difference between serving as a testifying missionary, or killing time.
3) He is not ready physically. There could be lingering health concerns. There could be medications that need to be adjusted. There could be corrective surgeries that need to take place before he takes off to strange lands. I worked with one fabulous young man who had to lose 100lbs before he could serve. He did it, but fielding the questions from “concerned” people was a struggle for him – he was really glad to get on that plane.
4) He is not ready emotionally. A mission is tough. No way to sugarcoat it. Some young men are not emotionally prepared to cut the apron strings and strike out on their own. Especially at 18. Others may have emotional challenges that require professional treatment, or medication. These things need to be stabilized, and understood before the rigors of the mission life kick in. Emotional and mental health issues are not things that should be taken lightly, and they can’t always be dealt with quickly.
5) He’s not worthy. There, I said it. I listed it at #5, but it leaps to people’s minds a lot sooner than that. It happens. Sometimes a young man is not worthy to serve. Yet. Often he is quietly working with his Bishop to repent. He might be fighting a terrible battle against an addiction. He might be waiting for a period of time to help him establish new patterns of behavior and obedience. This is a blessing. When it comes to worthiness, there is no rush to leave. Better to be late, and clean.(Story here.)
“Personal worthiness is the minimum spiritual standard for serving a mission.” L. Tom Perry (link here) Minimum?
and here is one you might not have considered:
6) He is trying to follow prophetic counsel. Over the past few years, there has been tremendous counsel given by the prophets to young men preparing to serve missions. It would seem that since the age change, many of our young men and their parents have completely forgotten about it.
– Get a job, learn to work and pay for part of your mission.
“Prospective missionaries need to learn to work. They ought to have a job and save money for their missions. Every mission president would concur with me that the missionary who has worked and saved and helped pay for part or all of his or her mission is a better-prepared missionary. Working and saving for a mission generates enthusiasm for serving and gives a young man or a young woman a good work ethic. Whatever else missionary work is, it is work!” M. Russell Ballard. (link here)
“Let me offer a simple suggestion: get a job that involves interacting with people. As an increased motivation, set a goal to earn enough money from your part- or full-time work to pay for at least a significant part of your mission. I promise great blessings—social, physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual blessings—to every young man who pays for a significant part of his mission.” L. Tom Perry (link here)
– Experience living away from home.
“Live away from home for a period of time before leaving for the mission field. Whether future missionaries go away to college or for work, living away from home helps them adjust to the necessary independence of being a missionary. This also provides opportunities for them to wash their own clothing, clean their own living areas, prepare food, and be responsible for their own safety and well-being. Even if future missionaries cannot live away from home, they can be more independent by taking on these responsibilities.” Preparing Emotionally for Missionary Service,” Ensign, 2011. (Link here)
When President Monson extended the option of leaving at 18, I don’t recall him suggesting that it would somehow overrule the counsel for mission prep from previous years. That counsel is still good counsel, and would make for better missionaries, at 18, 19, or 24.
Why am I going on about this? Simple. Some of the finest young men that I know decided to put in a semester of school before serving their missions. I am safe to say that one of these young men is perhaps the most prepared missionary I have ever met. He, in discussion with the Lord, his parents, and his bishop decided that some pre-mission school would be the right thing for him.
But I still hear people asking questions about why he isn’t gone yet. Seriously?
I wish more young men would let their preparation dictate when they leave, rather than the calendar. I also wish those who don’t head for the MTC right after the last bell of their senior year never had to explain themselves to curiosity seekers.
For me: Don’t judge, don’t be nosy, be a good example, and love them.
For you young men: Go when you are prepared. Get prepared. Counsel with you Bishop, your parents and the Lord. 18 is NOT the new 19. (But don’t use this for an excuse to not be where you should be, doing what you should be doing.)
All of us: Never ask a woman about her weight.
Here is the follow-up to this post: Part 2 – 18 is NOT the new 19: The Elephant in the Room.
It is true that 19 had become entrenched. This is because it had been the minimum age for about 50 years (In fifty years 18 will probably be just as entrenched), but when it was originally changed from 20 it was seen then as an “option.” As an example, Elder McConkie’s son Joseph went out at 19 a few years after the age change (1960s) and his grandfather President Joseph Fielding Smith was concerned that 19 was too young and missionaries should still wait till 20 (BRM biography). That is how I see this change going. After a time of adjustment, everyone will recognize that 18 is the new 19. However, none of this contradicts your above points that not everyone will be ready and prepared then (just as they weren’t all ready at 19) and we need to assist them not attack them.
The author makes good points but also misses the point. Of course 18 is the new 19. Everything he said has ALWAYS been true about missionary service, even when it could begin at 19. Re-read the article and ask yourself, would all of these points still apply to a 19 year old today or a 20 year old? If a young man isn’t ready to serve then of course we prepare them and get them out later rather than unprepared. That is true at 18 and 19 and 20 etc. However, none of this changes the fact that there was an age change and now the standard is 18 and after high school. There are exceptions to the rule but that is the new standard age for service with same window of time extended up to 25 years old..
The standard is NOT 18 after High School – re-read what the prophet said.
What I mean is that the age a missionary used to be able to serve was 19, the age a missionary can now serve is 18. Therefore, 18 is the new 19. Just as some were not ready at 19 and had to wait, so some will not be ready at 18 and will have to wait because 18 is the new 19. What has caused some debate is when President Monson said “I am not suggesting that all young men will—or should—serve at this earlier age.” But my point is that this statement perfectly applied when the age was 19. Not all were ready to serve at that age and so they went out later. I served with several great missionaries like this but it did not change the fact that 19 was the age that missionary service typically began before the announcement that 18 would be the new 19. Interestingly, this part of the quote is left off the page on the LDS youth website about the age change, perhaps to avoid the argument over semantics that we are having. (see link below).
https://www.lds.org/youth/video/welcome-to-conference?lang=eng
Argument? Where? I agree we see a bit of a difference, and it probably focuses on the word “option.” Now YM have the “option” of going at 18, which implies no expectation whatsoever. I think that the 19 line was emphasized much more of an “expectation” than merely being an “option.” Now, a YM can be 18 and completely, absolutely worthy, and be on the path to a mission at 18, yet choose to wait. Back when YM didn’t go at 19, it was usually a hold up, or lack of desire. (At least that is what I witnessed in my experience.)
I LOVE this! My little brother left for his mission a couple months before he turned 21 (this was before the age change), and I got to hang out with him for a few days here in Utah before he went into the MTC. Back home (we are from the east coast), everyone knew he was just trying to finish school and earn money (again, the whole preparation thing) before he left….he never questioned whether he would go; he was just going when he felt he should. So no one at home really asked questions. But in the couple days here when people would ask “ohhh, did you just turn 19?” and he’d say he was almost 21, I was appalled at how people couldn’t even hide from their faces what conclusions they were jumping to. It was as if they were saying “I’m judging you right now and I bet you weren’t worthy or you were inactive” or whatever else was going through their heads, but all that came out of their mouths was “…oh…” with raised eyebrows. That hurt ME, because I felt that these mere strangers had NO RIGHT to judge my little brother, especially for something they know absolutely nothing about! And I see this now too, even with sisters, it has almost become an expectation for sisters to serve as well. Back in my day (about 4 years ago), it was not an expectation, and some people even looked at me with disdain for serving a mission, as if I was running away from my wifely and motherly duties. (hah. Funny part is…I met my fiancé on the mission. take THAT, you judging people!)
So I guess that was a long-winded way of saying THANK YOU for sharing your opinion!
I experienced this same quality which I call rudeness, on the question of marriage (1st marriage at 51) throughought all the years from 18 to 51. I think that “Nunya” is great advice. People need to realize that these personal decisions are just that — PERSONAL.
For a long time Church membership has incorrectly emphasized mission service as the goal for young men. I know I have fallen into that rut on a few occasions as I have worked with YM over the past 30 years in various callings. The objectivie however is not really missionary service – it’s commitment to the Gospel, beginning with worthiness and preparation to receive the Melchizedek priesthood and attend the temple to receive the endowment ordinance.
While I know the brethren understand the relationship between all of these, so many members see only the mission call, and in many cases see it much like they would a ‘study-abroad’ session or acceptance to a far-away university. Is it any surprise that with so many more going on missions, there is also a huge increase in the # of FTMs coming home early (unprepared).
No YM (or YW) should feel pressured to go on a mission before they are ready. While it is ultimately the responsibility of the individual and his priesthood leadership (bishop/stake pres), it has been my sad experience to witness that if a YM feels pressured, they often hide things that might make them ineligible from these leaders (and maybe deny it themselves). Your comments help remind us that we need to teach youth Gospel principles so they will have the same love for the Savior and when the time is right, will want to serve as they’ve been called.
http://cluttereddeskclutteredmind.wordpress.com/2013/10/30/actually-18-is-the-new-19-a-response-to-middle-aged-mormon-man/
My son will turn 18 the month after he graduates from HS. His inactive older brother has been trying to talk him out of going on a mission, but he has been going to mission prep and decided to put in his paperwork to leave sometime next summer or fall. We have been very please and excited about his decision, but your post has left me feeling upset and worried about my son. The longer he waits to go, the longer his brother will have to try and talk him out of it and convince him that a mission and the church is not for him, but now I worry that if he does go, maybe he is not mature enough and maybe his testimony is not strong enough. Some of your posts give me a good feeling and seem to have the spirit. This one just made me ill. Isn’t fear the opposite of faith? Why are you trying to instill fear and doubt about the inspiration of serving at 18? That is the effect this post has had on some of your readers. Serving a mission always entails a “leap of faith” no matter what the age of the person serving. Please think about the impact of your posts. You have many readers and this one was even featured in LDS Living.
If that is what you took away from the post, then you did not understand it. Of course it is a leap of faith to go serve. I want them to go out prepared and worthy so they don;t come home early with their tails tucked between their legs. THAT makes me ill, and I have seen it far too often.
A dude with a blog should not have the power to make you ill, or cause you to lose faith. Your son needs to base his decision on what the Lord wants, what he , his parents and leaders feel is correct. THAT is my message.
So True! Thank you for writing this article. Maybe it will help some realize before they stick their foot in their mouth! There has become such a stigma in the church about serving, the age of service and even whether they are serving in a foreign country or not. …as if that makes them more important. I am hoping that the change of age might take the pressure off!
I know for a fact that many young men who just graduated high school and were worthy to go on a mission were falling away by 19 and unable to get back to that worthy status and therefore becoming less active etc and becoming a part of the “lost generation of 18-35 year old’s” that are single or married but not feeling like they can associate with “good” Mormons. Yes it is inspired and the data was the trigger for the requested age change.
I don’t doubt that for a second. The new age change is a great blessing for many who might have become “lost” during that year. I totally believe what you are saying, and I am especially curious how you can state it as a “fact” and what “data” you have seen to support it. Please share!
That happens even after a mission. Missions don’t fix people.
At the same time, just because you choose not to go at 18 doesn’t mean the pressure/excitement for the future missionary should be less at 19. For several of my older missionary generation, including me, possibly, we went at 19 because that’s when we were supposed to go. By changing the age limit and relaxing the time that missionaries “should” go, there may be a weakening of a set time that missionaries leave. If this occurs, I fear we may lose some of our “semi-committed” missionaries who don’t feel like there is one time to go and so they keep putting it off and off until…they don’t go.
I think that is a legit concern. That’s what I was thinking about when I talked about which road they are on, and if they are taking detours. I know some boys who would have gone at 18 but went “off-roading” and never got back on the road.
People need to stop being so easily offended by innocent questions, such as “Why haven’t you put in your papers yet?”, whether it is because of nosiness or otherwise. I do agree it is no ones business but your own why you make the choices you do. But to be offended because someone was trying to make conversation and that is the question they went with seems very childish and immature to me. If a young person has not yet submitted their papers it is because they are not ready, in one form or another. It is simple enough to state this, it doesn’t reveal anything embarrassing or incriminating and it politely and respectfully answers the question. Further pursuit may warrant a “nunya” response, but the question itself is usually asked in innocence, curiosity, or concern and love. It is becoming much easier these days to “offend” people by asking simple, innocent questions like this. I think all people, especially young people preparing to serve a mission, would do well to remember Moroni 7:45: “And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.” To not be easily provoked also means to not be easily offended!
“Why haven’t you put in your papers yet?” is not an innocent question, and frankly, it is offensive. If you were in the repentance process and someone approached you asking “why didn’t you take the sacrament today?” I don’t think you would find it innocent. You would find it prying, invasive, and painfully embarrassing. I’m not trying to imply that any missionary who hasn’t turned his papers in the day of his birthday is unworthy, but having to explain the reason, regardless of how benign, would be unpleasant.
Whenever I get a “why” question like that, from a ward member who I have don’t have a close and trusting relationship with, I can only assume that they don’t have my best interest at heart. Usually they have something to gain, like the ability to feel superior to me, or information to share with others who are also not close to me. There are so many more productive ways to show love and concern with those in are ward than with prying, personal questions. No one likes to be “that guy who got offended” but we are all human, and it’s okay to demonstrate sensitivity and compassion.
Perfectly said!
Statements that begin with “People need to stop being so easily offended…” generally don’t need to be read any further. What normally follows is usually judgmental from beginning to end.
Excellent post, thank you.
I remember one of the best elders I knew (of many excellent ones) was with me in the MTC at 21. He brought a maturity and dignity to his calling that I admired and even envied! I got to be companions with him later and around him I couldn’t help but feel like I was instantly the best version of myself, as if I were suddenly aware of being worth more than I’d ever let myself believe. He was a powerful missionary. It’s my understanding that previously he hadn’t wanted to go on a mission, but at a certain point, it just became important to him, and he got ready and went. I think what I always envied was that personal motivation that I still wonder if I have, 6 years after reporting to the MTC. I’m not suggesting 21 is better than 19 (although I occasionally wondered), but I am suggesting that preparedness should takek precedence over age.
I understand why the age was lowered, but they must in turn come back and emphasize that it is only an optional choice, again, and that they still wish to include missionaries of all ages.
Thank you, this is a great entry (and blog, too!). I am ashamed to admit that I was starting to look at 18 as the new 19, but your post here, reminding what the prophet actually said, has helped me. And this from one who didn’t go until he was almost 21.
I’m a little fearful too, that some a little older, will be more likely to choose not to serve, now feeling too old.
Another thing to consider is money! I had a brother who left right out of high school, he had just barely turned 18, and that was right for him, but now he is flat out broke. He worked out with my parents that he would pay for half and he didn’t even earn enough to pay for a quarter of it. I have another brother who left just over a year ago and he had the entire summer to earn money to pay for it, and for him that was perfect! He was able to earn enough to pay for three quarters of his mission.
I also totally agree, many people have come and asked me, (most people multiple times) if I am going to go on a mission now that the age has changed, and I”M ONLY 16! when I tell them that I don’t know for myself yet, I always always get snide, cruel, and completely biased remarks back, like, “well, my daughter is 14 and she already knows that she’s going” or the ever famous, “well you should because it is required now.” that one drives me crazy! People need to understand that it is OPTIONAL! for girls! it’s the priesthood for boys to do it at some point between age 18 and 29 but it is not required, nor is it expected for girls. Anyways, that’s my two cents, take it as a grain of salt.
I guess one of the strategies parents need to help their mission age kids with is how to answer a direct question. If kids give a direct answer then the issue is usually dropped, but if they skirt around the questions it naturally makes one wonder.
The Young Men have the option now of going at 18, but I do think it is becoming the new 19. When the age change was first announced there were many who had other plans and who were simply not ready. There is no reason in the future that 18 can just be the plan for the Young Men. It’s wonderful that Young Men who want to serve missions need, now more then ever, to prepare while they’re in High School. No more putting off preparing until after High School. Along with the new curriculum for the Youth they can and should be expected to get prepared and go at 18! Just like in the time of Noah, after the rain started it was to late to prepare, and the parable of the 10 virgins…all ten were waiting but only 5 were truly prepared. We are preparing the Earth for the Second Coming of Jesus Christ, we need to get prepared today. So yes, 18 should be the new 19, so we can Hasten the Work!
Once again, Anonymous, the prophet has not told the young men to go on a mission at age 18. You may want to go back and read what he actually said.
Thank you! My little brother-in-law turned 18 in the middle of his senior year and could have easily left when it was over like his 3 cousins did but after prayer and discussion with parents he decided to do a year of college first. We were ALL happy to hear this news. He would have made a great missionary at 18 but he will be an AMAZING missionary at 19.5.
Well written. Thank you. My two children who are currently serving missions. My son left when he was 19 and my daughter left when she was 21. I get asked all the time why my daughter didn’t go at 19 and I have to remind people that the age change has only been in place for 1 year. She didn’t have the option to go on a mission at 19… same with my son at age 18. How quickly people forget….
I think this post should be required reading…….from the pulpit…….in every chapel!! I am not sure what it is that makes so many people in the church think it is their God-given calling to pester other members of the church about things that are absolutely none of their concern. My husband was so severely hounded about serving a mission as he approached the age of service that he stopped going to church! He was inactive for several years before experiences between him and the Lord led him on the path to a valiant full-time mission. At the age of 23. Yes, young men, and young women, should be encouraged and prepared to serve missions, but it should not be in a way that singles them out or makes it appear that their own communication with the Lord as to their time of service is not valid. How are our young people going to learn to rely on the spirit of revelation if they continually have “well-meaning” people constantly telling them that they are wrong and that they know better than the Lord. I strongly agree that this also applies to couples who have not had children yet, singles who have not gotten married yet, women entering the work force, and many, many other examples. No one should have to air out the painful, heart-breaking struggles they are having with infertility in order to get someone to quit asking them why they haven’t had any children yet. Jesus Christ did not bring people to repentance and conversion by “well-meaning” pestering. He did it through love, through truth, and through the spirit. We should do like-wise. We all have far too much going on in our own lives to ever be the judge of somone else’s. Thank you again for this marvelous post!!
Lora, after watching what my friend’s son is going through from continual questioning by a “well meaning” bishop, you said exactly what I was thinking. Do these kids not have enough pressure out there without getting hounded in a place that should be full of love and safety (church!). Starting as Sunbeams we instill the expectations of serving a mission (“I hope they call me on a mission”) so I don’t think we need to keep pushing and reminding them when they are 18 about going on a mission. If someone really wants to serve a mission, they will make it happen without all the outside pressures. But too much pressure and I’m afraid we will lose them. What would each of us do if someone kept hounding us about an issue? Think about it. I know I would get out of the environment that was making me uncomfortable, especially if I didn’t have the maturity to realize that people can be insensitive at times. I love when you said ” We all have far too much going on in our own lives to ever be the judge of someone else’s.” That concept alone could take up a whole month of talks and lessons. Thank you MMM for the great article and thank you Lora for your insight as well.
Sorry, but I have to disagree a few of your points. Yes we need to be sensitive to the situation of a young person but positive pressure is good. If the young person is not worthy or has health issues then these are good reasons to wait. Other than these reasons there is no real good reason to wait to go on a mission. Young men need to leave as soon as possible. One of the reasons that the age was changed to 18 for young men is it leaves less time to mess up and become not worthy. Once this happens the chances of going are very slim. If you don’t feel ready, guess what, no one ever feels ready. That’s what faith is for. The Prophet said become better prepared, not to delay. This preparation is to happen in a boys youth not when he is 18. The Prophet would say go! Have faith and get out and work!
Actually, the prophet wouldn’t, and didn’t say “Go!” He said the opposite: “I am not suggesting that all young men will—or should—serve at this earlier age. Rather, based on individual circumstances as well as upon a determination by priesthood leaders, this option is now available.” That is much different than saying to “leave as soon as possible.” If that were the case, he would have held 18 up as an edict, not an option.
You are taking these words and using them as an excuses to delay for worldly reasons what is a Priesthood responsibility. If an young man has an issue with worthiness or health then yest they should wait.
61 And another also said, Lord, I will follow thee; but let me first go bid them farewell, which are at home at my house.
62 And Jesus said unto him, No man, having put his hand to the plough, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God. Luke 9:61,62
I am “using” the prophets words merely to point out that they disagree with your premise. I was a bishop who was tasked with helping determine when/if these young men should serve. I also have four sons. So far we are two for two on sending them off. I expect all of them to serve. Those two roles have taught me that different young men develop and mature at different speeds. There is no “one-size” fits all approach. All young men should serve. Sooner is OBVIOUSLY better, but not for everyone.
The premise of this article is that it is OK to delay going on a mission for worldly reasons. People often use a snippet of what the Prophet says to fit what they want. If you were to ask the Prophet should I wait a year to go to school, should I read the BofM more, should I work in a job some more before I go on a mission. He would definitely say no, go now. Testimonies are born in the doing. The longer a young man waits to go the more time the adversary has time to get him. Look for ways to go, not for reasons to delay.
You simply don’t understand the premise of the article. It is about manners. And some explanations so people won’t be nosy. There is no justification for delay here. Anytime someone claims he can speak for the prophet makes me nervous.
But I do agree with this:” Look for ways to go, not for reasons to delay.” Wise counsel.
Sadly, I also know young men who have gone out, and returned home because they should not have gone out yet. For many reasons.
I think the scripture you quoted is very relevant. The Lord is very specific to this man on what he should do. And that is what we want for our YW / YM. Not to go a mission on a specific date or age or any other man-made criteria, but to go because they each understand (via personal revelation) the specific instructions the Lord has for them.
How on earth can we judge that for another person?
“One of the reasons that the age was changed to 18 for young men is it leaves less time to mess up and become not worthy.”
Says who? Please cite a reliable source for your statement.
My husband’s best friend is planning on going on a mission and he is 20. And one of the elder’s in our ward right now is 21 and just started. It’s their choice and we should never pressure anyone if they are not ready. And we need to not judge them. I definitely agree with this post. Thank you!
When I read a few lines of your post, I was tempted to give you an argument. But having quaffed deep at your Pierian stream, I changed my position. You are right, of co9urse, that those other than those that have a right to know, ought to be more sensitive to the feelings of these young men and women, and give them credit for making -plans for their lives.
It is known to professionals in the field of human behaviour that someone that has made their mind up either to pursue or not pursue a certain course, will not be influenced by busybodies seemingly determined to move them along a particular path.
Even if we grant that the enquiries are made with the best possible intentions, Latter-day Saints ought to be aware of how their searching questions into an intimate part of the lives of young people might be [perceived as unwarranted interference.
I see no problem in encouraging young folks to serve missions. missions are important parts of the Gospel,and should be encouraged, but in ways that will not cause distress to any. Often, this will be by containing our enthusiasm for directing others instead of preparing ourselves for whatever callings the Lord has in mind for us.
May I add that I agree with ‘tulipdjc,’ that it is equally insensitive, and in certain cases more so, to enquire of married people when they expect to start producing. While that is a reasonable question for a farmer to ask his hens, in the sphere of human activity it is extremely insensitive.
“Let us oft speak kind words to each other,” but leave probing questions with the distinct possibility of wounding the feelings of others unsaid, even if we think them. Such thoughts, whether expressed in words or not, are wicked, and are never asked by those that have the Spirit of God in them.
Our attitudes to young people in all conditions must be Christlike.
God bless us to measure up the the standards we may be tempted to impose on others. And, if you need to repent of bad habits, call your Ward Executive Secretary and make an appointment to confess to your Bishop.
Be blessed,
Ronnie
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Love this!!! I think it would be more like asking a newly married couple when they are going to have kids! No one’s business but theirs!!!!
Good job!!!!! I like the saying: “what other people thing about me is none of my business.”
Being “boss of my brain” following the spirit is the way to go.
My youngest son is in the mission field now. He left before the age change, and I am glad. He went to college for a year, and he had a very good year. He left far more prepared than if he had gone straight out of high school. He is enjoying his mission very much, even though it is hard.
On another topic entirely, when referring to people, it is proper English to use “who” rather than “that.” (For instance, “Of the young people I know that are preparing to serve missions, . . .”)
This is surely the wrong blog to read if you are looking for proper English, and no typos. Perhaps we could send people over to your blog if that is important to them.
Most adults judge blogs by their content, not by their orthography of according to our understandings of orthodox grammatical structure.
A young lady from another continent stood to speak in sacrament meeting. Her local accent was so think that some had difficulty understanding her.
One brother said to another, “I could not understand a word she said!”
The brother replied, “Neither could I, but DID YOU FEEL THE SPIRIT?”
The person that never made a mistake, never made anything.
I was so impressed with so many of the responses on here until this. No one is being rude here. If you don’t like using “who” instead of “that” then it’s your call, but no one was trying to offend you or take away from your message. It’s a great message but your response of a little constructive criticism is enough to make me want to stop reading. The reader learned from your blog. Is it too much to learn a little something from one of your readers? If I have now upset you then I apologize, but I was saddened by this.
I am not upset at all – a grammar correction is nothing compared to the vitriol I get from other strangers who oppose my views. I reacted at the irony – because at its core, this post was about trying harder to stop being critical of others, and the comment lined up as an example.
If that is enough to make you stop reading, I understand. And surely it is not worth being sad about.
The who/that thing bugs me also. Do they not teach that anymore? I almost never hear people say ‘who’ anymore.
Our oldest son went on his mission when he was 21
I will try to finish my previous comment, not sure what happened there. He waited to leave because he felt he was not ready (and he wasn’t.) He heard all the negative comments about why he hadn’t left yet. I actually told a few people at church to leave him alone and stop bugging him about it. He went when he was ready and had a great mission. He told us when he got home, that he wouldn’t have stayed out at 19. Every young man or woman had the right to their own revelation and timetable without any grief or guilt.
An observation: the missionaries serving in my area have been what I call “lackluster”. I haven’t seen a dynamic missionary in quite a while. It’s almost like the missionary age-change triggered a race: I’m almost 18…on your mark, get set, go… I have to go because it’s what is expected of me — NOT I’ve received my own personal revelation to go. An example: there is a young man in our ward who went to the college ward when he turned 18, and received a Sunday School calling. He taught one time, and never showed up again. But when the missionary age changed, he was the first one from our stake on a mission. Couldn’t fulfill a simple calling, yet off like a shot for a mission. Even the boys who are expected to go are entitled to receive inspiration from The Lord that He wants them to go. Just like when we get a church calling, and are expected to accept, we also are entitled to our own personal revelation that that is where The Lord wants us at that time. I realize that some 18 year-olds are ready, but it seems to me that many of them are going because they are expected to, not so much because they are firmly planted in their testimonies and are READY to serve.
“Lackluster”? And what do people say about you??
Well, OK, but you asked — I’ve been called: stunning, drop-dead gorgeous, amazing, dependable, punctual, hysterical, witty, organized, highly intuitive…on the other hand, I have also been told that I’m: hard to read, high-strung, stand-offish (I’m working on that), “stuck-up” (hey, it was the 80’s and I was shy). But lacklaster? Nope. Not once. I either go all the way with what I said I would do, or I don’t make the commitment in the first place.
I like your idea of “Nunya”. Another BIG area this applies to is having children. How is it that a very personal part of my life is a topic for small talk in a group!
Look at you being all famous again. Just remember us, your loyal readers when you are too big for your blog. Congrats to making LDS Living page.
I have no idea what it means to be “too big for my blog.” I do understand what it means to be “too big for my jeans.”
kinda the same thing.
Too big for my jeans has more to do with cheeseburgers than ego.
I was one of those who left on a mission and then came home early. I can sympathize with those who been asked this difficult questions whether not they are going to whether or not they are preparing to go or why they came home. When I came home sure I felt you know the tad bit guilty just not being able to do the mission but even more so I felt less of a person because other people thought that I wasn’t worthy or there was something wrong with me or just I’m not a good person at all because I didn’t serve a full-time mission.
Turns out it was a good thing I came home early. Since coming home I have gone to earn my bachelors degree my masters degree and currently I am a PhD student during this time I have been able to share the gospel and its principles with more people than I would have been able to on a mission. Each individual has his or her own plan there is no set pattern everyone needs to follow.
I am glad things are working out well for you, but I would disagree that serving a mission is subject to our interpretation of our life plan – all worthy young men have been asked by the Lord to serve a mission.
My own experience presiding over two student wards would suggest that these comments are most appropriate. Preparation for missionary work requires a preparation system. While I have not been a mission president, I have seen first hand what can happen when an unprepared missionary does not yet “get it.” It is hoped that parents will create loving MTCs in their homes. We all hope that helicopter parents will get the message and teach faith and judgment, rather than co-dependence–but those hopes may be too much.
Another minefield may be in store for returning young men. Our ward (I live in Texas) has a bunch of incredibly bright, good-looking sister missionaries. I wonder as the pairing dynamics change if the young men who return will not have to step it up to be worthy of these sharp sisters?
We are all being being asked to hasten the work! We all need to step up to the plate. There’s nothing wrong with putting a little pressure on these YM. If they want to wait a year then that’s all they need to say, “I’m going when I turn 19.” Young Women are feeling more pressure then ever before to serve a mission as well, it’s not required but they feel that they should go. It’s an exciting time for all of us! I think it’s okay to expect that the YM should serve as soon as they are able! For those of them who don’t feel prepared it should be a lesson to be learned, we don’t have time to wait..the time is now!
I have to say that find this attitude really upsetting. “There’s nothing wrong with putting a little pressure on these YM.” I struggle with understanding why anyone has the RIGHT to put pressure on someone who isn’t an immediate family member to begin with. Encourage, uplift, inspire – yes. But pressure? Don’t you dare do that to my kids. It’s crossing a line.
And religious pressure? What happened to ‘I teach them correct principles and they govern themselves?’ Do we not believe that any more?
You know what I want? I want my kids to have such a great relationship with their God that they know and accept His will for their future (not yours, not mine, not their Bishop’s, nor their YW’s President’s, but God’s).
Do you realize, Anonymous, that you are going against the words of the prophet? You are suggesting something entirely different than what President Monson advised. He said:
“I am pleased to announce that effective immediately all worthy and able young men who have graduated from high school or its equivalent, regardless of where they live, will have the option of being recommended for missionary service beginning at the age of 18, instead of age 19. I am not suggesting that all young men will—or should—serve at this earlier age. Rather, based on individual circumstances as well as upon a determination by priesthood leaders, this option is now available.”
Where have you learned that the Church tells us to pressure young men into going on missions? Parents and Young Men leaders and bishops should help the young men under their stewardship prepare to go. Others with a close relationship of trust may discuss missionary service with the young men if asked. The rest of us should close our mouths and mind our own business.
Most 18 year olds that I know are still a bit immature and need some growing up… and to picture them at the MTC drooling over the 19 yr. old sisters isn’t a good sight at all.. so yeah, wait til you’re 19. And then there are 18 yr. olds that are just as ready, with leadership skills, testimony on their shoulders, and a maturity level that matches it.. go for it!
Hmnn! What scientific evidence can you present that supports your theory that at 19, young men stop drooling over pretty girls? as they did when they were only 19.
I’d appreciate seeing the data.
As a man who didn’t serve a mission, I think the intentions of the article are good, but it misses the mark. This article makes it seem that we shouldn’t ask t young men about their plans to serve a mission, because it will be very damaging to them due to added pressure causing them to go inactive. Yes, I do think we need to be mindful of how we talk to the young men about a mission, but If a young man is going to serve a mission, he’s going to serve a mission and for the most part, he wont have a problem explaining why he might not be going at 18 or 19 or 23. All of the reasons mentioned in this article as to why a young man might not serve at 18, can apply to anyone 18-25. Now, there will always be those who don’t want to go on a mission or who aren’t worthy or who are inactive. We need to be more sensitive with them and make sure we don’t pry and not sound judgmental. I can confidently say that most young men who go inactive, do so for reasons other than the pressures to serve a mission. For the most part, I see asking about a mission no different than asking about education or a career or marriage. I’m in the young mens program and I’ve developed relationships with the young men and I care for them. I want to know how they’re doing and what their plans are in life. In the LDS church, it just so happens that a mission, is a big part a young mans life, so I’m going to ask. Again, we need to mindful of how. If you know the young men and develop a friendship with them, you will know how you can talk with them. In addition, I think its a good thing to let these young men know that we and the Lord expect certain things from them. Thomas S. Monson also said that serving a mission is a “priesthood duty”. I guess to sum up my words… be mindful of how you talk to the young men about serving a mission, but don’t avoid the conversation altogether..
Whaaa? I had to go back and read my post to figure out where the idea of young men going inactive came from – and it sure wan’t from this post. I guess we see things based on our own views.
The point of the article was simply about manners, and I think you are right when you wrote that “we need to be mindful of how.”
Also, I think the stewardship and the relationship that someone has with the young men plays a big part in the type and effectiveness of the discussion about serving a mission. You have a stewardship and a relationship, so it is completely appropriate for you to have that discussion. You can have a huge influence for good on these young men. However, someone without that stewardship and relationship perhaps shouldn’t ask the same questions in the same way that you can.
I agree. Young Men leaders should have that relationship, and try and support and serve (not interrogate) Home Teachers should also fill that role. (Though seldom do)
Totally agree. Sometimes we dance around the issue and I think we are a little too soft because we are afraid to offend sometime. I have a son exactly in this situation. He is going. Plans to, wants to (as far as I know) and I encourage and talk about him going sometime after he graduates from high school. If we avoid it, it seems that we don’t care or some may think. If we ask too many questions, we are too nosy and it is none of our business.
I would rather have someone asking when are they going than asking why aren’t they going? I understand the problems and the pressures. I almost didn’t go. I am so glad I did and had a number of people in my ward encouraging me to go, asking when I was going to go, etc. Be smart. A little pressure is good as well. It builds testimonies because the young man has to make that decision and shielding him as a mother or father wants to do by nature, sometimes hurts more than helps. I appreciate the article. it will make me think twice before I ask the next young man in my priest quorum when they are leaving on their mission but I will probably still ask 🙂
We were watching conference when the announcement was mad. I saw my 18-year-old senior son. He was not worthy to go. We all knew. I saw his face. It was like someone had kicked him. He was just hoping to be worthy by 19. He was working hard. The comments from ward members about how he could go right out of high school were more than he could bare. Okay, he should have been stronger. Okay he should have had better parents. I don’t know. But it was just one more nail in the coffin. Because of the comments of the ward meant he didn’t want to go to the ward socials/young men activities. I know other boys could have done it, but he couldn’t prepare under the pressure. He left for the Marines two weeks out of graduation. He is not doing spiritually well. So if the age helped others. Not so much him. Oh I know he needed to be stronger. But if you are going to use that argument, then you have to use it in the reverse. Boys are going earlier and it is keeping them from wandering between 18 and 19. If this previous group had been stronger then they won’t have wandered before 18.
I’ve had this problem being a young woman in college since the change came about. A ton of girls from my old ward and from my college started taking off as soon as the change happened and suddenly everyone started asking me if I was going to go. At first I didn’t think anything of it when I said I wasn’t but then as more girls left and the hype grew more people were more critical of my not going. I’ve actually had people ask if I was going and when I said no they asked if I’m in a relationship…again I reply no I’m paying attention to school and not dating much right now and they would ask “well, if your not planning on getting married then why aren’t you going on a mission” I was shocked, and it wasn’t the nice Why? it’s more of an accusatory Why aren’t you going? I have been asked almost this exact question multiple time and it really irritated me at the judgement that suddenly since the age is lowered I should definitely be leaving if I’m not getting married. (I’ve also had the comment: “well if your not getting married then you should go on a mission since you can now”)You can really feel the judgement from people when they say things like that..it’s uncomfortable, rude, and it hurts (way to make a person feel terrible) It seems along with people forgetting that its an OPTION for young men to go earlier it’s also still an OPTION for women to go at all, now they make it seem like a requirement if your unmarried and its only gotten worse since I just turned 21 and I’m still not going.
Brittany,
Like most Saints, I am appalled by the treatment you received. Perhaps we need more sermons from our pulpits to remind Saints to be gentle with each other.
When someone says something inappropriate, it is quite proper to remind them that they have no right to say what they are saying. Sometimes we need to be reminded of who we are and how we should act towards others.
Good luck.
Great article!!!!!!!! Our stake had a great fireside for parents. It was all about getting your son ready for a mission – what they need to be doing to prepare (oh and this was before the age change!), what they need to avoid, how much money they should be saving (if you started putting 20 bucks aside each month starting when your son or daughter was born you’d have the mission saved for by the time they left). Anyways one bishop said we really need to get people to watch the kind of questions they ask. Instead of asking “when are they going?” or “haven’t they left yet?” or something along those lines – maybe we should just be asking questions like “how are your kids?” “what’s new with your family?” This bishop pointed out some young men can’t go because of emotional problems, or prescription problems, some can’t go because of sin or financial, etc. So, I never ask. I figure when they’ve put in their papers or received their call they will be more than happy to share that with the world – so until then I don’t bring it up.
Amy: Sounds like your local leaders are on the ball, with lots of good counsel.
I know when I was a missionary, there were times when missionaries would just freak out because if the pressure (and they didn’t screen very well for mental health issues). I can imagine that being emotionally unprepared would make everything a million times worse than reality.
A few years back, a ym in my ward put in his papers and was told that he wouldn’t be serving a mission by Salt Lake. He was needed for other things at home. He had been living with his grandparents because is father was sick. Thankfully, word got around the ward so that no one asked something that would make him feel bad, but I wonder how the ward was when he moved back to live with his parents. They knew about his father, but I hope they kind of heard the reason he wasn’t going on a mission. It must have been hard to tell people you weren’t serving because you were told no.
I know some young men that were not worthy to serve full time proselyting missions. However, instead of hanging them out to dry, wise and inspired leaders called them to ward positions and told them that this calling was their mission.
I happened to walk past my (pretty dang stellar) 16 year old daughter in the hallway at church just in time to hear her peers ask her if she planned to serve a mission. Her reply was, “As of right now, I am not planning on it”. Her reply was immediately met with the charming responses of “You are such a slacker!”, “Why not?”, “Rebel”, and “What is wrong with you?” I was so surprised at the flack she was receiving! So I quickly turned around and in an extremely cheerful manner said, “Remember. . .it’s called personal revelation!”
She did have a plan. . .and it is the Lord’s plan for her. After she received her Patriarchal blessing, she prayed long and hard about her future. After some time, she received a confirmation that she should attend ASU (which was NOT her first choice) after graduation. She applied and has been accepted. Last week, she received an unsolicited (but MUCH appreciated!) scholarship offer from ASU.
It pays to follow the promptings of the Spirit! You see what I did there? ;o)
Though I agree with what you posted, I don’t think there is anything wrong with asking those questions unless they are asked in real accusatory manner. But even then, part of mission prep that is really important is getting used to weird questions, accusations, and judgement. That comes with the call, so why not prepare now?
Good point. That’s the reality of life. People fall short, including me 🙂 We can all be more forgiving, on both sides.
At Seminary graduation last spring the Stake President asked each graduate to step up to the microphone and say what their post-graduation plans were. Talk about putting kids on the spot! All the young men except about 5 were able to say they had received mission calls or had submitted papers and were waiting for a call. I ached for the ones who had to say they were going to work, or go to school, or whatever, because you could feel the “judgement” of everyone in the chapel wondering what the kid had done, or why he couldn’t go yet. Let the poor kids go when the time is right for them! We have seen a lot of early returns in our area recently.
It never is a good idea for these young people to feel pressured to leave before they are ready-and many just aren’t ready to go at 18. While we have seen a lot more kids going out from our stake, we are also seeing quite a few more come home than ever before. You are so right in reminding all of us that it is an option!
This is a great post. I’m sure that well-meaning people all over the church have done a little (or a lot) of harm while trying to be encouraging.
I’ve been fairly close to most of the recently called young men and young women and can say that, with few exceptions, they’ve left when they were ready, not when they were eligible! And thankfully so!
Good post! Thoughtful!
My 21 year old (5th missionary) just landed in Cincinnati last week. I got so tired of the questions I was asked about, “When is he going?” I can only imagine how many times he was asked and how he must have felt.
He left when he was ready.
While the number of missionaries is at all-time high, based on what I’ve seen, the percentage of missionaries returning home early (for various reasons) has also increased significantly since the minimum age was reduced. It is great that the youth are excited to share the gospel, but parents (especially) and leaders (and the missionary him/herself) need to make sure that they are fully prepared for the experience before they go.
I would be curious to see some data on that – it the % of missionaries returning home has gone up or not. I have heard that spread about, but haven’t seen it where we live.
I’m fine with the model, because in the vast majority, it still works out fine. Perhaps church-wide the prospective missionary, parents, and bishops need to throttle back the excitement, and take a harder look at the level of preparedness.
Now go through the same scenario with girl/boy twins. Son was not ready at 18 or 19 for worthiness issues. Church made the announcement in Oct after the twins 19th birthday and daughter was in the MTC by Feb. Talk about other members asking awkward questions. “Wait, aren’t you and you sister twins? How come you’re not going? blah, blah, blah. Son still as testimony and talks about going but the church and local leaders really have nothing to offer 18-26 single ym who made the choice not to serve. How many bishops will ask that ym to be a scout master or work with the ym in the ward? What yw would even want to date said ym in a “student” ward if he has chosen not to go or can’t go? Ugghhh. Our “culture” needs some work.
As for the yw out there at 19, my daughter has been in the field since Feb. and is training for the third time. Current compster has major psychological issues (ocd, manipulative, “I don’t like talking to people” was an actual quote) and most days are spent in the apartment with the girl locked in the bathroom yelling at my daughter to go away. Mis. Pres. doesn’t know what to do and this is only one of several such “new” 19 year old sisters with problems in the mission (quote from Mis. Pres. wife). Ultimately the work will go on but a lot of kinks will need to be worked out. I would really like to see the church move away from the current full time missionary model. It has its good points and bad but what will be the real test is to see if the baptismal numbers go up with the increase in the number of missionaries.
I have several good friends who didn’t go on a mission and yet were able to marry a beautiful woman while of student ward age and be successful in life. One of them, who I affectionately call “Dad,” has served as YM president, EQP, Bishop, Stake President, and is currently a Mission President. Another, who I affectionately call “Kyle,” is married, has two kids, and has served for years as a Deacons Quorum Advisor/Scout Master. There may be some stigma, but I don’t think it’s as bad as you paint it.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you! Guess who needed to read that? ME! I love our YM and YW regardless of their choices, but I have said some of those very things to them and I want to hit myself upside the head and say, “What the heck!”
I am going to share this on Facebook (a friend of mine shared it first) and then I am going to try to live what you just preached and pray that I can keep my mouth shut before I offend.
ATB – Whoever you are, I love you!
🙂
There is nothing wrong with asking questions such as ‘have you turned your mission papers in yet’. And, there is nothing wrong with saying, “I haven’t”, “I am finishing school first”, “I need to lose weight”, “It’s not the right time for me to serve”, or any other honest answer. The person asking might be nosy, but they also might be interested in your life and want to know more about you as you are preparing to serve a mission. And, there is no reason to assume they are giving you a hard time. Be nice and answer the question.
Asking a woman “why” she isn’t married or “why she doesn’t have any kids” IS no one’s business.
Seems to be quite a double-standard. Why can’t the woman just “Be nice and answer the question” ?
What if the young man’s “honest answer” is “I’m battling a wicked porn addiction?”
Agreed. Best to avoid the chance of offending someone. I’m not saying that we should walk on egg shells 24/7, but seriously, is it any of our business? No. I agree with whoever commented above and said that we should ask general questions like how they’re doing or what they are up to nowadays. I’d much rather give someone the chance to open up to me and feel trusted and respected. Who knows. By asking kind, non-loaded questions, we might end up being the supportive friend that they need.
This whole thing reminds me a bit of parenting. Does it work better to drill kids, especially older ones, with questions, or is better sometimes to just let them come to you when they’re ready to open up? I think we all know the answer to that question!
I completely agree with MMM. We need to respect everyone, man or women, and allow them to live their life. All we can do is support them and be the best example we can possibly be.
This is very wise counsel. I’ve probably asked these questions myself, but I try to just ask young men who’s mission calls have been announced, or ones that I’ve heard they submitted their papers. Another issue is Mental Health issues. My son has Bipolar 2- its not as severe as classic Bipolar, but any depression issues that are being treated with medication pretty much disqualifies them. So its difficult when people in the ward he doesn’t feel that close to start bringing these issues up. He shouldn’t have to say- “I’m disqualified because I have Bipolar”
I tend to avoid people in general in order to avoid offending, since I tend to regularly open my mouth only to have my foot jam itself firmly inside. On those rare occasions when I do have to interact with someone, especially someone in the categories mentioned above, I try to rely more on questions like “Hey, how are you doing? What’s new with you these days?” Then the person has free reign to share or not share and I am hopeful that my interest is not interpreted as being nosy.
Why haven’t you left yet?
I have to finish high school first. Prophet said so.
Preach it, brother.
FOML #2 was already in his first semester of college when the announcement came, and he decided to stay with his plan of a finishing a school year and going several months after he turned 19. For him, it was a great decision. Had the announcement happened a year earlier, he might have gone at 18, but it wouldn’t have been nearly as good. I think he would really have struggled. He probably could have done it, and it likely would have worked out okay, but with the experience and confidence gained in a year away from home he has been able to hit the ground running, and I think he’s having a much better experience (and is able to be a much better missionary) than he would have.
FOML #3 graduates next spring and will be 19 in the fall, and she wants to be in the MTC as soon as they will let her. I’m trying to talk her into at least a semester of college way from home first; we’ll see how things shake out.
I agree 100% with this post. I think the challenge is not so much in the pressure they may get from adults, but in the dating scene, and I don’t know that there’s any way around it. If a young man isn’t jumping onto his mission, a young lady is probably wondering if he’s emotionally sound, spiritually strong, physically ok, etc., all those things you mentioned, and all of a sudden the boy is tagged as less desirable. Perhaps this is more of a problem in the Mormon Corridor than elsewhere. It’s not right, but it’ll happen. And that’s the pressure that the young man will feel worse than from the adults.
Now that young ladies can go at 19, I think they’ll start to have that same pressure, which is unfortunate, but young men will wonder why a girl doesn’t want to serve a mission. This is what worried me most about lowering the ages. The young ladies aren’t expected to serve, but by lowering the age, I think that social pressure will be there.
Amen, Brother MMM.
Amen! I have been questioned for many years … ” why aren’t you married?” Sometimes the answers that come to my mind except “nunya” are …. I suffer from PTSD from a traumatic childhood experience! … I am fat and ugly and my mother dresses me funny…that’s why. …and my favorite, I was for ordained to marry a widowed general authority, who’s wife would you like me to kill?…. In other words … don’t ask the stupid questions!
Do it Jana and just watch their faces. 😉 Warrior on!
Good points but I would say ….Asking a young man “why haven’t you turned your papers in? Or weren’t you 18 last summer?” Is more akin to asking a woman in the church to “why don’t you have children yet?” These kinds of attitudes/noneofyourbusiness questions cut more to the heart of our good people than does an uncomfortable implication about weight. We are talking casting aspersions about someone’s value/worthiness. Not a good place to be.
My step-son is one of those boys who needed to lose weight before going. He was working on it (and we all know what a struggle weight loss can be), but the pressure from everyone got to him. He decided a mission wasn’t for him, and evenutally wandered away from the church for a while. He’s climbing back and still has the goal to go on a mission, and still has the weight to lose. I wonder what it would have been like for him if the ward, instead of asking why he wasn’t gone yet, had all pitched in together to help him with his weight loss challenge. That being said, he made his own decisions and is accountable for them. Perhaps he wasn’t spiritually ready and the good-natured questioning was the wind that blew him off track when he was already poised there.
For me, this is very comparable to asking a woman why she doesn’t have kids, or why she doesn’t have more children. Because, when it is something that an individual is striving for, but for whatever reason it is not coming together in the way or timeline that they had hoped, these questions are very painful. And as you say, bad form. So rarely does anyone really know all the things that are going on beneath the surface of another individual. We don’t know what efforts they have been making, what issues they’ve faced and are working to overcome, etc. We don’t know what conversations they have had with the Lord and what the Lord’s answers have been for them. We simply do not know.
Too many people kept asking my son “When are you leaving on your mission”. Every Sunday, at meetings, activities whenever they saw him it was always the same all the time. He had his papers filled out and was doing all he had to do to prepare himself. One day he came home from Church and said, “If one more person asks me when I’m leaving I’m going to freak out”. It was shortly after that he stopped going. He is now less active. If I could say one thing to all the members, it would be to please let these young guys have some space! It’s true, we don’t know their thoughts and feelings. Some have a lot of anxiety about home, family, being away for the first time, social situations, will they be able to endure etc. I am very careful to always be aware of what I say to a future missionary and I hope others will be too.
I feel very blessed to have lived in a “mission field” ward and not in Arizona when my son turned 19. He has several learning disabilities and ADD. These created some emotional and mental immaturity that caused us to delay his departure (medication changes and sought counseling from LDS Social Services).
How blessed we were when the Brethern announced the new guidelines and then announced the option for Welfare Service Missions for young Elders! This new program provided an opportunity for my son to serve a mission under conditions that were specific to his needs.
The Ward we lived in applied no pressure and he was able to start serving his mission at 21. He was a valuable asset to the Employment Center that opened the week he entered the mission field. His computer skills had improved with his attendance to the local college and he was much more mature than he was at 19. (He is now in his 30’s and serving his country in the U.S. Army Chaplains Corp.) The stresses of a “regular” mission were averted and he grew in spirit and maturity.
I hope that more Bishops will be aware of “Service” missions and that members will learn to not pry into deeply personal decissions that our young people have to make. Remember: the calling comes from the Lord, not the members.
I agree with most of what is contained herein. I also feel that we continue to do a disservice to our prospective missionaries in another aspect of emotional preparedness. We are hesitant and reluctant to tell the truth and be men and women of integrity about the full spectrum of the mission experience. The great faith promoting experiences punctuate what is very often a difficult, soul-searching, mundane, tedious, and occasionally contentious time. Is it the best two years of a young person’s life – possibly. But is that because they live in perpetual spiritual nirvana – not so much. It is meeting, addressing, and succeeding despite challenges that make it great.
Well Said, Matt, very well said.
excellent
Amen, Amen, Aaaaamen!
THANK YOU! Took the words right out of my mouth!
Brooklyn has felt this pressure. They are having their Youth missionary week, and she is really loving it- she has had the chance to teach non-members, and has learned alot. She will be 17 in Feb, and because she is put-together and smart and had such a strong testimony, people as ask her all the time if she is excited to go. She has decided that unless she hears otherwise from the Lord- she is not going. She feels really pushed to get her education, and is looking forward to being a Mother. She has come home crying from activities after being lectured about what a great missionary she would make. I told her to stick to her guns- its her decision and she would make an even better Mother. I have felt like I need to support what she decides and don’t try and sway her. SO MUCH PRESSURE. Leave my Brooky alone.
When I was 21, all of my friends were leaving for missions or getting married. All were asking me when I was going to go. I prayed about it and received an answer not to go. After I finished college, when I was 24/25, I prayed again about it and the answer then was to go. I then started my mission when I was 25. I soon found out that when I was 21, I could not have served where I did serve. Brooklyn sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders. If she is guided to get her education and be a mother, it is what the Lord wants for her. She should continue to follow the Lord’s counsel and continue to check with Him every once in a while.
i cant serve one because im autistic so yea your daughter doesnt have to but if she wants to she can and anyway she can go on one with her husband as can i with mine ill be eighteen in december
We have autistic missionaries here in the Church and Family History Mission.
Again, personal choice between them and the Lord. Just because some autistic people choose to serve, doesn’t mean that it’s right for everyone, and that’s okay. 🙂
I have an autistic friend who served a mission, he even got it extended, seemed like he was out there forever! It did wonderful things for him too.
My son is autistic. He has a testimony that is stronger than anyone I know. He filled out his mission papers and received a sweet reply telling him how much the Lord loves him and is aware of him but his services are needed locally in the growth of the kingdom. I thought he would be upset, yet he was excited because he could continue working with the cub scouts where he felt like he was making a difference.
What a beautiful example your son is. The meek and humble have the most to say when you listen.
Her desicion has nothing to do with Autism.
I sounds like Brooklyn is already being a good missionary.
My sister has felt the same pressure, a lot of it from herself however. She is wonderful and I’ve always thought since she was young that she would make a good missionary, but never used those thoughts to pressure her. She wants to go on one so badly but has sought answers on her own and has found that she is supposed to stay at school for now. I think she is so awesome for depending on the Lord so much for those answers and sticking to her spiritual promptings.
I can’t believe the added pressure at 17 to be a mother. And “really pushed to get her education”. Hope your pressure doesn’t backfire on you and your daughter.
I wish she could feel like she can do it all! I have a masters degree, served a mission in South Korea and am married with 4 children. All three of these accomplishments are used and valuable in my personal and professional life everyday. Serving a mission has been a blessing in every aspect of my life and now that the age has been lowered, it seems even more possible to make all three happen. Good luck!
Amen, amen, amen!!! Thank you for thinking and saying this! It’s no different really than someone asking a couple who have been married for a few months or years when they are going to start a family–or asking a couple who are dating, when is the big day? How thoughtless of us to not allow others their privacy while they not only consider their options but perhaps are dealing with awkward or difficult or sad circumstances beyond their control. Busy bodies–that’s what too many of us are! Thank you MMM!
Thanks for this! We see the same questions being asked of young men in our area. But after hearing the Washington DC South Mission President’s wife speak in our Stake Conference about how many of the 18 year old missionaries have not learned the basics of living on their own and experience an extra large dose of home sickness upon arriving in the mission, I’m extra inclined to help my sons prepare in that way by sending them to a semester of school AWAY from their momma before going on a mission.
And our mission president’s wife said many of the newbies have a hard time getting up early in the morning. That’s another reason to put all youth on early morning seminary, with non-paid, called teachers, as the majority of the WORLD is doing, rather than release time, or as we call it, Sissy Seminary.
So, a mission president’s wife complains that 18 years old missionaries are unused to taking care of themselves. Does she advise they spend a few years in the Armed Services before they serve their missions? Missionary life is a new experience for missionaries of all ages unless they have been thrown out of their families at an early age and had to fend for themselves.
I taught Early Morning Seminary, and while there were many successes, I would have been more than pleased if my students had opportunity to attend release time Seminary. The EMS classes I taught began at 6 am, following class students had to go home, eat breakfast, and prepare for school. Very busy mornings.
If we take the view that the Lord knows what he is doing and that safety lies in following the prophet, then worldly concerns fade away as the light of the Spirit illuminates these young men. One of our ward members has just turned 18. He has graduated from high school, and has been in Dundalk, Ireland, for two months. How is he doing? He is an amazing missionary. He and his senior companion just teach and teach ell day, every day, and are baptising beyond expectations.
While he might not be typical, he is not extraordinary of today’s faithful young men and women, most of whom serve successful missions whatever age they are at departure.
Follow the Lord by following the prophet and his chosen leaders.
“Follow the Lord by following the prophet and his chosen leaders.”
I think that is the most important “take away” information we can gain from this post. I have a son in the mission field right now. He was 18 when President Monson made the announcement of the new option, and he had his papers submitted 9 days later. He is an amazing missionary BECAUSE HE WAS PREPARED TO SERVE A MISSION. He knew he was prepared, his bishop and stake president knew he was prepared, and his dad and I knew he was prepared. Had he not been prepared at 18, it would have been a mistake for him to leave at 18. He has watched too many missionaries (ages 18 AND 19) in his mission go home early because they were NOT prepared. That is not President Monson’s fault.
I won’t pretend to know that I know whose fault it is, but I do know this: Members of the church need to stop blaming poor outcomes on others and realize that each of us is responsible for raising the bar in our own homes to give our sons every opportunity to be prepared to serve a mission at 18 and our daughters every opportunity to be prepared to serve a mission at 19. BUT, each member of the church also needs to be responsible for listening to the counsel of our priesthood leaders and the Spirit to determine when it is the right time for us and/or our children to serve a full-time mission.
SO true. My neighbor boy decided to stick with his plan he already had in place and not rush things. So he is leaving at 19. I think the extra prep time was food for him. Also, as far as I know, a person can leave for their mission through the age of 26. Twenty six!!!! When I was a youth I met a missionary that was 26. Does it matter how old you are when it comes to serving. The Lord? Absolutely not. And now there are more and more local opportunities to serve missions for those with extenuating circumstances!
One of my dad’s mission companions and good friend ever since worked to earn all the money for his mission before he left. He was a 26-year old missionary. I think that is brave and so great. Our sons are currently serving and were eager to go with little opportunity for earning money right now. Their turn will come and there are a lot of good ways to do things. Bless all their good hearts for the willingness to serve.