You know how this time of year gets crazy busy? And we all resume talking about how we should simplify our lives? Well here we are, entering the holiday season. A holiday season that can have the joy sucked right out of it, if we are not careful.
I think our generation has been charged with simplifying our lives, and I think we are failing. What do I mean by that? Here are a few quotes and links, if you would like to dig in: (I found it stunning to see how often this topic has been addressed during the past decade. Obviously, it is of concern to the Brethren.)
• In 1980, when the Church embraced the 3-hour block program, one of the two key purposes was “to allow Church members more time for personal gospel study, for service to others, and for meaningful activities.” (link here.)
• Elder L. Tom Perry: “In our search to obtain relief from the stresses of life, may we earnestly seek ways to simplify our lives.” (Let Him Do It With Simplicity, October 2008)
• President Dieter F. Uchtdorf: “If life and its rushed pace and many stresses have made it difficult for you to feel like rejoicing, then perhaps now is a good time to refocus on what matters most.” (Of Things That Matter Most, October 2010)
• Elder Dallin H. Oaks: “The amount of children-and-parent time absorbed in the good activities of private lessons, team sports, and other school and club activities also needs to be carefully regulated. Otherwise, children will be overscheduled, and parents will be frazzled and frustrated.” (Good, Better Best. 2007)
• Elder M. Russell Ballard: “Don’t overschedule yourselves or your children. We live in a world that is filled with options. If we are not careful, we will find every minute jammed with social events, classes, exercise time, book clubs, scrapbooking, Church callings, music, sports, the Internet, and our favorite TV shows.” (Daughters of God, April 2008.)
• Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf: “Isn’t it true that we often get so busy? And, sad to say, we even wear our busyness as a badge of honor, as though being busy, by itself, was an accomplishment or sign of a superior life.” (Of Regrets and Resolutions, October 201o.)
There are plenty more – you get the idea. Since the 3-hour block program took effect, there has been a steady steam of counsel from the brethren to simplify our lives. It seems to me that we make some progress here and there, but the trend towards busy-ness seems to keep tracking upward.
Have we failed? Check you calendar for the next month and get back to me. I look at my family’s calendar, and I want to cry.
Now the point of this post is to not make us feel guilty. It is also not to preach why the brethren are right and to call us to repentance. My goal is to look at some of the reasons why we are so busy, and try to make sense of why it is so not simple to simplify.
I think we can explain our propensity to over schedule into just a few categories:
1) We love our kids. (And that’s a good thing.)
2) We love the Lord. (That’s a good thing, too.)
3) We live in the world. (Not so good, but a reality.)
Did I lose you? Can it be that we are over scheduled because of love? Hear me out:
1) We love our kids. We want them to have it all – and keep them busy. We want them to develop talents, have rich experiences, have full social lives, be educated, etc. We want them to have, and enjoy all of it. As parents, we want them to exceed our grasp. The way to help them do it is to have them join sports teams, take music lessons, clubs, dance classes, chess club, and a million other things. (And I didn’t even include academics – homework, projects, tutors, etc.)
But things have evolved. For example when I was a kid, little league baseball ran for two months in the summer, when nothing else was going on. But, as the world has moved on, if you want your child to excel in a sport, it is now a year-round endeavor. Club teams, school teams, tournaments. This is the first autumn in years where we have not spent a huge portion of our Saturdays sitting in camping chairs watching sports – and it has been glorious!
Or music. Or dance. It is more competitive than ever. Private lessons go with recitals and competitions, and lots and lots of practice. We want them to flourish. We want them to be successful.
And we want them to have fun. Lots of fun. So we schedule that, too.
We also want to keep them busy to keep them out of our hair. Which is an stunning statement if you stop and think about it.
2) We love the Lord. We want to serve him, and his children the best way that we know how. Having spent my life serving in different church callings, I can safely say that I have been part of the over scheduling problem. But not because I am trying to harm families, but because I love the Lord, and am trying to magnify my callings.
There are cultural and organizational traditions in the church that lead to chronic over scheduling that will never really be resolved until we embrace a simple concept:
Magnifying a calling does not mean to make it bigger, In many cases, magnifying a calling would mean to make it smaller.
Elder M. Russell Ballard said, “To innovate does not necessarily mean to expand; very often it means to simplify.” (O Be Wise, October 2006)
Elder Richard G. Scott said, “May I give you a word of caution as you plan your activities. Make sure that the essential needs are met, but do not go overboard in creating so many good things to do that the essential ones are not accomplished. …Remember, don’t magnify the work to be done—simplify it.” (The Doctrinal Foundation of Auxiliaries, 2005)
Bigger is not always better. (Maybe a personal visit from a leader and youth leader might touch the heart of a lost youth better than that huge, expensive combined activity.) Sometimes the very best way to serve the families in a ward is to cancel more than schedule.
Elder M. Russell Ballard said “Occasionally we find some who become so energetic in their Church service that their lives become unbalanced. They start believing that the programs they administer are more important than the people they serve. They complicate their service with needless frills and embellishments that occupy too much time, cost too much money, and sap too much energy.” (O Be Wise, October, 2006)
There are organizational challenges as well. Our local leaders have repeatedly been counseled to assist the families they serve to simplify their lives. Elder Dallin Oaks said, “Stake presidencies and bishoprics need to exercise their authority to weed out the excessive and ineffective busyness that is sometimes required of the members of their stakes or wards. Church programs should focus on what is best (most effective) in achieving their assigned purposes without unduly infringing on the time families need for their ‘divinely appointed duties.'” (Link here.)
My EC’s calling demands so much of her right now that it makes my head spin – and I used to be a bishop!
3) We live in the world.
Parents are busier than ever in their involvements outside the home. Moms and Dads are working longer hours to make less money, important school and political service obligations are always calling.
There are more things pulling on our kids time than ever as well. The school days are longer. The school years are longer. Social lives, social media, gaming, employment all fill their days.
One example: My sons will never be as involved in sports as some of their friends. Why? Because their friends play on Sundays, and mutual nights. They don’t have FHE, mutual, service projects, camp outs etc. It is an unbalanced playing field, and when my kids try to compete on that uneven playing field, something has to give. And to us, it is not worth the risk to sacrifice church activity for something as earthly as sports.
But that’s not fair! Nope the world ain’t fair. So what. Move on.
There are enough things in the world to fill every minute of our every day. Many of those things are evil. But there are still enough good things out there to fill every minute of every day. And that is the bigger challenge. Sure, I can avoid filling my life to overflowing with the evil stuff – but what about the good stuff? Can I say “no” to good stuff in order to keep my life simpler?
Apparently not. Otherwise my family wouldn’t be so busy.
I love my kids, and want them to be busy, happy and well rounded. I love the Lord, and desire to fulfill my callings, and support others in their callings. Those are good desires, and I don’t apologize for them.
But I want to simplify my life. I want my family to have more time without all the pressure and busy-ness.
As Hamlet said, “Aye, there’s the rub.”
I wish we could all lose the guilt from not going to all the extra church activities. If we understand the Church is organized to support the family, not the other way around, we would follow the Spirit and attend the activities that will bless our family. Attend the block on Sunday and mutual – everything else is optional! As we follow the Spirit, we will have the confidence that our lives are filled with the best things and not be burdened with guilt even when our visiting teaching companion can’t understand why you didn’t attend her scrapbooking mini-class.
I’ve thought for a while that the church message to simplify was just talk. The organization itself pushes and pushes and pushes for more (and more and more).
I want to cut things. I’m tired. I feel guilty for the two outside-school-and-church activities that our entire family (we do hobbies as a group) does and loves. When I look at which activities I’d like to get rid of, which have the least meaning for our family, it is some of the church programs. Activity Days (ugh). Three fourths of the YW activities. R.S. meeting (whatever it’s current name is). Scout campouts (where my hubby drags a bunch of teens (who’d rather spend the weekend on their computers anyway) out into the forest). The never ending firesides, parties, conferences, missionary activities, etc that are always promoted as new and special, but are always exactly the same as every other fireside, party, conference, missionary activity.
I’d love to cut all this out of our life. I don’t because that’s the first signal that something is wrong not with a person’s schedule, rather their testimony.
And then there’s the big hypocrisy…. My oldest daughter has her heart set on getting into BYU-P (and since it costs a lot less than any of the UC schools, I’m willing to help her). To do so, she doesn’t just have to have a 4.0+ GPA, but be 4H Allstar, volunteer at a horse rescue, earn every award possible, etc.
Our leadership could change a lot of the above so that families don’t have so many church commitments. Until they do, the simplify lecture is just talk.
I feel like I have been fighting an intense battle (an exhausting one) to simplifying family’s commitments. We don’t do sports for kids or any other extras. My kids play at home. I don’t do crafts or other activities. I have to work and any time I have after work is for my family. Yet my calendar is overflowing with events. I had to harass my mother to nail down a date for the family Christmas party in October because the list of parties and activites in December was already crashing down on me. ALL of that list came from my ward. If the church wanted to simplify time spent at church meetings so that families would have more time together and for individual study, I think we missed the point (at least in my ward). Between RS, youth, scout, & elders quorum activities, fun runs, craft nights, music performances, self help meetings (not addiction recovery), stake choirs & sports teams(children’s, youth, adult), women’s early morning workouts…I’m exhausted before they finish the announcements and I came to church to feel refreshed and renewed. As a family we have decided that most of the activities planned by our ward/stake can’t be on our necessary or essential list. We just won’t see each other if we try. But that decision comes with a whole bucket full of judgement from leaders about whether or not we are sustaining them if we don’t participate in everything they plan. If not participating in it all means I’m not sustaining them then guilty as charged. My family can’t do it all. (To clarify, I do magnify my calling, attend Sunday meetings, do visiting teaching and attend the ward Christmas party. I even deliver an occasional meal to those in need. It’s everything else that I’m cutting out)
The balance between busy enough to stay out of trouble ( and in my case better at managing time) and being too busy and needing to simplify can be so hard! And I only have a 2 year old! Thanks for all the quotes from the brethren, I could do better this December by keeping it more simple and letting what is most important have the time it needs
Anyone have advice on simplifying for a RS president, as far as additional meetings (besides Sundays) go? What ARE the essential things?
I imagine the answer would be different for every RS President in every ward. It depends on the needs of YOUR sisters. I would suggest that you talk to your counselors, and your bishop, and take it to the Lord. Essential to some might be a waste of time to another.
Years ago, I taught a teacher training about magnifying our callings, and tried to make that same point. That, a magnifying glass allows us to focus in on one specific aspect of something. So, we should in our calling: Focus in on the one part that is our specific assignment and do that one part to the best of our ability. Too often, I try to ‘help’ others in their callings, and just add craziness to my life that does not need to be there.
Elder Oak’s talk – I remember the catalogue! http://www.lds.org/ensign/2007/11/good-better-best
Unfortunately our schedule is filled – or rather my husband’s is filled – with tithing settlement for December. Not much we can do about that!
P.S. You have two #2’s instead of a #3. 🙂
Sister Julie B. Beck, when she was General Relief Society President, spoke in a leadership training session and gave the BEST ADVICE EVER on this topic. It changed my life. I’ve passed on her direction, really the Lord’s direction, on this topic to others. In one case, it made a lifetime of difference in a shortened life. Once a person gets a handle on what is Essential, Necessary and Nice it makes things fall into place more easily.
Here’s the link to her talk. https://www.lds.org/church/news/go-to-the-lord-for-help-with-balance?lang=eng
Great timing on this post!! Love all the links you provided.
Thank you so much for this link! It’s exactly what I needed this morning.
Interesting how the talks about planning our work more effectively came to us in 2005-6 and then the emphasis on simplicity and focus came in more recent times. I appreciated Elder Oaks’ counsel in his talk – it prompted me to streamline my kids’ activities to only 1 per child (rather than 3 as it had previously been).
Wow, so here I was, sitting down to lunch, wall ready to fill in my December schedule, and I read this. Perfect timing. The pencil is being put away as we speak.