Apparently, there are those that think it is time to bring back the Scarlet Letter. You remember, the one made famous by Nathaniel Hawthorne’s novel. Bringing back the scarlet letter would make our lives so much easier. We could have the RS sisters make them on a craft night (self-adhesive, please) and have then ready to stick to anyone who commits adultery.
I guess we are going to need a lot of them.
There is an article making the rounds on the internet that makes an aggressive case that looking at pornography as adultery. I understand the writer’s point of view, and why so many readers are supportive of that idea in today’s world. What caught me by surprise is how many members of the Church seemed quick to embrace it, and to share it on social media. It had almost a “Gotchya” feel to it. Is this attitude becoming of Latter-day Saints? Is it even accurate?
Should we be referring to our brothers and sisters who struggle with pornography as “Sneaky, shameful perverts?” And “adulterers?”
I think not. While my point is already made, I am going to share my opinions regarding the issue, and the increasing trend of bringing back the scarlet letter. This is a loosely constructed series of thoughts about what I think should be a delicate, careful subject:
Who should be wearing the scarlet letter of adultery? Some would say married men who participate in pornography are adulterers. But what about the married women? Adultresses? They can use the same “A” as the men. We will need, however, to print up some of the letter “F” for “Fornicators,” for the young men and women that are not married yet.
You don’t know what people in your life struggle with pornography – or where they are in the struggle. It could be a son or daughter, a kindly old High Priest in your ward, or a young mother. It could be a cute Boy Scout, or a beautiful Mia Maid. Pornography is erasing the traditional divides. Recently, I read that as many as 20% of people now being treated for pornography addiction are women.
There is no doubt that pornography is the plague of our generation. It is everywhere. It is insidious. Viewing pornography chases away the Spirit, and leaves us on our own. It ruins people from the inside out. It is clear that God and his servants are acutely aware of the prevalence and danger that pornography poses to us individually, and as a society. (If you have any doubt about this, click on this link. You could read for days.)
Pornography infects and destroys lives, marriages, families, and societies. It is, indeed, the plague of our generation. Please do not use anything written by me, or anyone else to justify that it is “no big deal.” It is a big deal. It is a killer.
From a religious perspective, participating in pornography is a sin. We must turn away from it. We must repent. It will keep the Spirit away from us, it can keep us out of the temple, and keep us out of God’s presence. It can, and often does, lead to even uglier sins.
For those who have reached the point of addiction, it is usually a monster of their own making – as are most addictions. Not always, but usually. This, however, absolves no one. The sin still needs to be resolved, and the addiction dealt with.
Is pornography adultery? Christ’s teaching obviously support that idea when he said,“But I say unto you, that whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery already in his heart.” (Matthew 5:28)
Yes, pornography and its associated thoughts are mental/emotional adultery. It is enough to keep us out of heaven. Alma taught, “For our words will condemn us, all our works will condemn us; we shall not be spotless; and our thoughts will also condemn us.” (Alma 12:14) And Paul taught that, “For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God.” (Romans 3:23)
But is mental/emotional adultery the same as physical adultery? No. Both will keep us out of heaven, but they are not the same.
When our sinful thought becomes sinful actions, it grows. There are more people involved, and consequences increase. For example, I can be angry at the umpire – which is a sin – but if I march onto the field and punch him in the throat, what was once only a thought, can now alter the course of my life, my family’s life, and the umpire’s life as well.
It is illuminating to see if the Lord’s servants look at pornography and adultery in the same light. Here is a test: Go into your Bishop’s office and tell him you looked at pornography 5 times in the past week. Then tell him you slept with 5 different women in the past week. See if they are treated the same. (I promise they won’t be, so don’t really go do it.)
If you took Malachai 3:8 with the same literal interpretation, we would need new forms for Tithing Settlement that had the options, “Full Tithe Payer” or “Robber.”
If every person who had run-ins with pornography were forced to wear a scarlet letter, I promise you would be surprised t0 see them everywhere: At sacrament meeting. At Priesthood meeting. At Mutual -YM & YW. At Relief Society. At scout camp. And tragically, in Primary. If all of those brothers and sisters were treated by the church as “adulterers,” Disciplinary Councils would have revolving doors.
Yes, there is a point in which pornography addiction can lead to church discipline, but this happens as an effort to save a soul, not to punish. And that is a discussion best kept between priesthood leaders and the penitent.
Huge concern: If you are participating in pornography, PLEASE do not use the accusation that you are an adulterer for justification for greater sin: “Since I am already an adulterer with porn, I might a well go out and do it for real.” Don’t buy into the literal argument of “In for a dime, in for a dollar.” Physical adultery is fraught with greater consequences, and expands the circle of sin.
How did Jesus respond to people struggling with pornography? We don’t know. But we DO know how he responded to an actual adulteress. He surely didn’t point at her and say, “Ew, gross. You are a shameful adulterer. You are a pervert.”
Instead, he said to her, “Woman, where are thine accusers? Hath no man condemned thee?”
She said, “No man, Lord.”
And Jesus said unto her, “Neither do I condemn thee: Go, and sin no more.” (John 8:10-12)
As members of the Church – brothers and sisters – can’t we resist the urge to paint someone with a scarlet letter. Can we be more Christ-like than to call them out as adulterers, and perverts?
When a husband admits, (or gets caught) to an involvement with pornography, the wife suffers greatly. It is a difficult, painful experience for her as well. Feelings of self-worth are wrongfully, but inevitably, called into question. Trust is shattered. Anger, guilt, resentment all need to be swallowed up in forgiveness for her to progress as well. Often it is more difficult for the wife to get to a place of peace than it is for the offender. So I ask you: Does drumming the idea that her husband is an adulterer help the situation in any way? Or does it merely make it more difficult?
I imagine that every bishop in the Church has worked with those struggling with pornography addictions. I know that I did. Unless you have been somehow involved in that struggle, you are most likely painfully ignorant of what a brutal addiction it can be. When someone says, “He could stop if he wanted to.” It merely shows a lack of understanding, and charity, with an extra-helping of judgment on the side.
What is the WRONG way to help a person struggling with pornography?
Shame, ridicule, and name-calling. Guilting, anger, gossip, and judgment. Not only do these thing not help the person overcome, they will condemn us. (Don’t judge me because I sin differently than you.)
Rejection, abandonment, and shunning. I have seen situations where a new and old couples are blown apart by a discovery of a porn addiction, and the offended spouse immediately runs for the hills – or at least home to mom. It saddens me.
Those very actions drive a person deeper into the spiral that takes them right back to their method of escape – pornography. Much like an drug addict returns to his drug of choice when the pressures around him, and in his heart get unbearable.
As pornography becomes even more prevalent in society, and in the Church, we are going to have to get better at dealing with it. Avoidance will not be enough. The perception cannot remain that pornography is a stigma that only a few “perverts” are participating in. We need link arms, work, and concentrate on what does help:
Forgiveness, charity, prayer, faith, service, fasting, doctrinal and scripture study – because this is a spiritual battle – not a white-knuckle test of will. Professional counseling can prove incredibly valuable as well. The words of the living prophets are of great value in this fight.
Patience. There are people I know – people that I LOVE – who have fought this addiction for months, years, even decades. Every day is a struggle. Every day is a heartbreak. Every day the guilt of their behavior and thoughts eats them alive. I don’t look into the eyes of these struggling people and see “adulterers” and “perverts.” I see people that I love, and respect. I hope to see them as Christ sees them.
And there is the final word: Hope. To those of you out there who struggle with pornography, you probably spend a lot of your life telling yourself you are scum, and that those who would brand you with a scarlet letter are correct, and that you deserve it. Some of you probably designed your own scarlet letter and put it on yourself.
But here is the truth: God loves you. The power of the Savior’s atonement is very real. It can, and will, heal you. I have witnessed it many times. There is hope in repentance. There is a hope for healing. There is hope that your heart and mind can be cleansed. Yes, it might be the toughest thing you have ever done, but it can be done. I also promise that you cannot do this alone.
Go find your bishop and talk to him. He will stand by you and strengthen you. Ask him to help you find the help you need. God will strengthen you. Your loved ones will stand by you and strengthen you, if they truly understand.
Others will call you names – and that’s on them.
We had a branch president a few years ago that made the statement, “I wish every sin smelled like cigarette smoke, boy how the chapel would stink”
That would be better than the scarlet letter. The thing is, in this age of accountability, we are required to watch our “thoughts, words, and deeds” not just part of them. Another cliché, where much is given much is required. I definitely can’t offer sound advice other than that which is already given. Avoid it like the plague and decide on an escape mechanism before being exposed.
In some ways, I think porn addicts are very different than other addicts. From what I understand most addicts are often exposed without their consent and before they are capable of understanding what they are seeing. They often become addicted without any real consent on their part. That is different from the average drug addict or alcoholic who makes the first choice to try drugs or alcohol. Maybe that doesn’t make a difference for peope’s subsequent actions or choices, but it certainly informs my feelings about it.
I read both posts and reread the Matt Walsh piece again. I absolutely understand and agree with your comments, but I do think that the original piece was taken out of context. In the beginning of the Walsh piece, he refers to a man who sees no problem with his pornography habits, fails to see its impact on his wife and their marriage, and who justifies what he is doing. I thought Matt Walsh was speaking to men and women who don’t find anything wrong with viewing pornography and justify it. I think this is vastly different from addicts who understand the sin but are fighting against addiction. The distinction is important. I think most LDS people understand the seriousness of pornography and even though they fall prey to it, don’t justify it. So the audience is different.
I agree. Matt was writing to a larger audience, and I pivoted to speak to an LDS audience. I believe that knowing what we know as members of the church, we should react differently than the world at large.
I read the article you mentioned and felt he wasn’t talking about those that are currently battling to overcome pornography, but for those that don’t even feel it’s very bad. More like his friend that felt that pornography wasn’t even a problem, although he was viewing it several times a day. And I think he makes that point that those that are struggling to overcome it, that’s different than those that think it’s no big deal.
I guess I appreciate his point of view, but I appreciate yours as well to be compassionate with those currently struggling with it.
Love your blog, I have been uplifted many times by it. Thanks so much for writing!
As I mentioned in an earlier comment, I think his view is more of a “world view” whereas I was trying to spin it down to a more “LDS-view.” We hear the message on a regular basis, and I think that we should respond to people differently.
John: I received your comment, and read it. But I am not going to post it. It is almost 2,800 words.(My post was only 1800.) My allusion to people wearing the Scarlet Letter was not meant to be taken literally. I have seen people scorned and abandoned because of addiction to pornography – it happens.
I feel that I offered no justification to those participating in pornography. No excuses. I called it a “killer” and noted that it ruins people’s lives, marriages, families, and societies. And that it is a sin. I don’t see how you could read those words and call it a smoke screen.
Yes, usually it is a monster of their own choosing – as are all addictions and sins. Sins which all of us have. My experience has shown me that kindness, mercy, and patience will win the day when dealing with people who struggle.
I have yet to meet a person in the church who is struggling with pornography who is not already beating themselves up – fully aware of their situation. I don’t think we need to pile on.
Thanks for that. The addiction is awful… and so consuming sometimes. I have been reading a lot of posts and blogs lately to help inspire me to continue fighting and repenting. Your thoughts and insights are appreciated.
There is accountability on both sides of the gender divide. Our young women are as exposed as our young men and ever increasingly explore pornography. It’s no longer a male syndrome. We would do well to teach our YM how degrading pornography is to womanhood and manhood, and we would be doing our YW a disservice if we didn’t teach them the effects of their dress and behaviour on men and women alike.
One may passionately dislike the apparent weakness of men to visual sexual stimulation, but our Heavenly Father, in His wisdom, gave men this weakness so that it can become a strength to them. Making it so requires efforts from both men and women. Berating men and putting all of the onus on them doesn’t strengthen them. Rather, it weakens the position of both women and men, for neither is one without the other in the Lord.
I noted after reading the original article that prompted this one, that the author, apparently like so many others, latched onto the connection between lust (which is not pornography but is a catalyst for it) and adultery as expressed in the Saviour’s Sermon on the Mount, yet ignored the preceeding verses correlating anger and speaking harshly with others to murder. Which is the greater sin: Adultery or murder? Lust or anger?
There seem to be many pots calling kettles black. One cannot blame them, though. The beam in their eyes makes it difficult to properly see the mote in others’.
We each have challenges that threaten our exaltation. Pornography is one of them. Fortunately, it is one that is accompanied by much shame and guilt. I rarely see equivalent shame and guilt accompany anger and self-righteousness.
Yet again you write a post that makes me think, and agree. I think you may have to change your initials to WMMM. (Wise). Don’t let that go to your head…just keep the great posts coming. 😉
This is very true. Thank you for your understanding heart. As someone who has both suffered from addiction and loved those hurt by it, I’ve seen both sides of how painful it can be.
I have dated two wonderful young men, both of whom had come into contact with pornography and had scars from it. The damage and the addiction is real. It can take years to recover.
Can I get an AMEN?
The post is, of course, excellent and appropriate, from where it starts, but it is undeniably an “ambulance at the bottom of the cliff” approach to the problem of pornography and all the pain and destruction that it causes. It seems to me that I recently read that the British Parliament was considering a law that would require ISPs to operate in such a manner that BY DEFAULT all pornography whether written or graphic, would be BLOCKED, unless/until a customer actually opted to have the block removed from their service. An ounce of prevention being worth a pound of cure, that approach seems much more logical to me. Why wait until the “ox is in the mire” before we fence the quagmire? Why not a Constitutional Amendment that excludes pornography from 1st Amendment protection, whether it be written or graphic? It’s our Constitution. Why don’t we take it in hand, and tell all the judges who say porn is protected by the 1st amendment, “No! Wrong Answer, dummies!, and you do NOT have the final say! WE THE PEOPLE do!”
This wasn’t a post about prevention of pornography. It wasn’t meant to be. That would need to be a different post. An “ambulance at the bottom of the cliff” can be of great value to someone who is lying at the bottom of the cliff – or on their way down.
My husband is a recovering porn addict. Unfortunately, due to hours and hours spent cleaning it out of my house and off of my computer, I fell victim to its vileness too. Now I think that he is stronger at avoiding his addiction than I am! (My husband is a nonmember, and I’m a member.)
One of the things that I’ve learned is pornography is just like any other addiction. It can lead to worse sins, horrible things that you wouldn’t think you or your spouse would ever do. Thanks to a LOT of work and increased openness and transparency in our marriage, my husband and I are helping each other through the hard times. In some ways, we are closer than ever. We’re learning to communicate better than ever before. It’s SO much work, but I’m learning the true definition of charity and forgiveness through our Savior’s atonement, and for that I’m grateful that some good is coming out of this horrible mess.
One last note. To those who are in part-member families and whose spouse refuses to participate in faith-based treatment (like my situation), I found a website online that helped my husband. Like the LDS Addiction Recovery program, it is also based on the 12 steps from AA. The author of this site writes from a more secular perspective. This approach might work better for some people. It’s feedtherightwolf.org, if anyone’s interested. I’d much rather my husband have been open to the LDS Addiction recovery program, but he just isn’t there yet, and others might not be, either. I hope this helps.
Thank you, and keep the faith. And the hope.
Nicely put, MMM. And then what of rated R movies? Some would want to separate the two, as if watching nudity in movies is normal and contributes to “the story” (whatever that is), but in other settings outside of mainstream movies it somehow magically becomes porn.
How can there be in the LDS culture the notion that racy movies are merely “a personal choice”, but that looking online is suddenly a terrible thing? A greater inquiry into this connection would be interesting. Many people who think rated R movies are innocuous then act surprised that there are so many hooked on looking at porn online, as if this addiction just sprung up out of thin air.
You alluded to Christ’s admonition without examining it in further detail directly, though I believe you still reached the proper conclusion. A thoughtful analysis of Matthew 5:28 causes us to take a step back at what Christ was saying. “Whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery already in his heart” is not necessarily saying it’s the same as adultery, but that it follows in the pattern of adultery — that such thoughts indicate the person might also be willing to commit true adultery if put in such a situation. Lusting after a woman itself is not grounds for excommunication. Following through with those desires is. One can lead to another, and yet as you said, it doesn’t make them equal in severity. They are related but not on the same level. Scriptural literalism in many cases clouds the picture. Thank you for pointing out that distinction.
I guess it truly depends upon one’s intentions and response when they view a movie. Schindler’s List, for example, is not porn by its depiction of naked concentration camp prisoners. However someone could use it that way. The difference with porn is that the general purpose is to illicit a sexual response from the user. If someone has a hankering to watch some movie because they want to be sexually stimulated by it, regardless of the movie’s rating, they should stop themselves.
It’s not easy, because, as JoAnn pointed out above, there’s all sorts of images in everyday life that a person might exploit in an innappropriate way.
Rebecca, couldn’t the same rationalization be made of pornography? “It depends upon one’s intentions and response when they view pornography.” Not sure how Rated-R movies showing sexually explicit images would be any different than online images. Is there supposed to be more wiggle room with mainstream movies because they revolve around an interesting story? Please clarify. Also, Schindler’s List wouldn’t really be an apt example, because very few people would argue that the intent in that movie was to produce sexually explicit images.
You said “nudity” in movies. There are movies which are rated R because of nudity which is not sexualliy explicit. On the other hand, porn is by definition sexually explicit. So it is a matter of not just abstaining from porn, but trying to avoid any images that are sexually explicit even as part of another work, at the very least not seek sexual stimulation from them.
MMM: I love how you tackle the hard topics. Very well written. I have always been touched and a little shocked at the story of the a Adultress that you quoted from the scriptures. How Christ turns to the woman and tells her that He does not condemn her, and what seems to be a simple line..”Go and sin no more. “–always strikes me. The Lord is SO merciful. We underestimate His mercy towards us. Great post. Thanks.
I agree that there is a difference BUT Porn destroyed my marriage, just as adultery would of. Husband flunked out of school due to it. We lost a lot of money due to it. Our marriage has been wrecked… been living with that mess for 13 years now, and it really has never gotten better.
Husband was exposed terribly young to it, and I mean exposed. Probably the only reason I am still married to him, as I realize the battle he is waging in his head. He’ll go for a couple years clean, and then falls, and sins again. During that time, my husband turns from the pleasant man I married to a bitter, angry, horrible man.
I seriously pray that when the lord takes him, he takes him when he’s clean..even if that means before I’m ready to be a widow. The thought of him being taken at his worst…gives me no hope. It’s so not normal to feel this way, but yet here I am.
Thank you for this article. I have not seen the other article you refer to, and I am glad that I haven’t. My husband has struggled with pornography ever since he was introduced to it when he was only in 2nd grade. We have been married for over 15 years, and it has been very hard on me. He has been clean for about a year or so, but it has been a long, difficult road. I too have struggled with a sexual addiction in a different way because I was molested as a child. Our oldest son started to become trapped in pornography as well. I pray that we caught it early enough, but I will always worry. People really don’t understand how this addiction affects others. “Judge not lest ye be judged.”
Beautiful.
I agree. A red letter points us away from repentance and breeds more isolation in sins that take support and community to overcome.
I was very encouraged that you mentioned the gender differences when it comes to pornography. Many statistics show women catching up to men, and if you include erotic literature (which has a great physiological effect on women than visual pornography) – women may actually exceed men. It can get very old as a male being painted as the “perverted gender.”
A great article on this:
My Porn is Okay, Your Porn is Not Okay – Avoiding the Double Standard
http://ldsmarriagebed.blogspot.com/2010/09/my-porn-is-okay-your-porn-is-not-okay.html?zx=ef5d6984954b748c
This is a great approach of support and love for those who struggle. I would hope that it could be applied for all kinds of sin. I know of members who struggle with smoking a sin just as visible as a scarlet A. Often they are met with distaste and are shunned. They are just as good of people as anyone else who struggles with sin which is everyone. Everyone sins and whether our sins are visible as a letter A or not we all need love and support to overcome.
Exceptional post!! I know that there are many people struggling with pornography. I know some of them by name. They are my friends, my family members. It is not like it used to be where you had to seek it out, it is in your face, affecting everyone, all the time. I am sad that there are members of the Church who would cast the first stone. We know better. The Savior’s Atonement applies to EVERYONE, all the time.
MMM, thank you for posting this. I am the wife of a recovering pornography addict. I discovered his addiction after 10 years of marriage and soon found that the way to peace was through intense personal dedication to the Savior. I prayed often for my husband to also discover this peace and he eventually did begin to discover it. I know that he still struggles, but I have learned to feel sorrow for his struggles rather than anger. After all, how would I feel if one of my innocent children had been offered and accepted a tempting, but particularly damaging drug? Would I be angry at them? NO! I would pray for them and help them as much as possible. If any of your readers are interested in my journey, I don’t blog often and I am not entertaining, but I do have a blog with some of my thoughts as I have struggled through the roller coaster of emotions that comes with such a tragic discovery.
http://hope-faith-forgiveness.blogspot.com/
Great post. Thank you!
I really appreciated this post, because I actually shared the mentioned article on my Facebook page for a few minutes and then thought a little more about it. I came to many of your same conclusions and erased the post. Thanks for the further insight.
I do not understand this addiction but I have great sympathy for anyone involved in it. There is no escape from it. You can’t just quit looking at provocative people…..The young girls in my Ward dress inappropriately. ..women who give news ..The girls down the street. It is all around. A person would have to be a hermit without TV or any media to avoid it.
We are not to place the burden of not being provocative on the women, nor the young women, nor the women on the news JoAnn. We are, as mothers and fathers, to train our sons to use those able bodied muscles in their necks to turn their heads away from that which is provocative.
We will never be able to control others. We can teach our boys and men and yes our girls and women to control themselves, to redirect their focus, to flee from Babylon, to harness their thoughts, to leave their coat and run. Whatever is necessary. But no, we are not to condemn nor blame young girls in the ward who do not dress up to adult, presumably covenant making, standards.
Girl’s modesty (or lack of) is not the issue of this post. One day we might discus if we sustain the Apostle Elder Dallin Oaks or not, when he said this: “And young women, please understand that if you dress immodestly, you are magnifying this problem by becoming pornography to some of the men who see you.” But not that is not the point of today’s post.
I think JoAnn’s point was how very inescapable exposure to pornography has become.
Thank you for this! I’ve grown so weary of seeing women blamed and shamed for their choice in dress.
Lovely post, MMM, on a serious subject. I read that article but not the comment. I have a son who many years ago was in a treatment center for bipolar. They discovered he had a problem with pornography as well. He was introduced to it at a Boy Scout campout. Even then they were seeing a huge increase in pornography problems among the kids.
In many ways, a porn addiction can be worse than a chemical addiction. With drugs, you need more of the drugs to get a hit. With porn, it’s in the mind. All you have to go is go there to get another hit. And once people see something–even when they weren’t looking for it and came across it on accident–it’s still in the mind.
If it seems that the issue of pedophiles seems to be increasing, it’s because it is. And one of the causes can be linked to porn. Anime, the Japanese animation form, has a huge porn aspect. Kids learn to like Anime (which isn’t bad in itself) when they watch Pokemon and such shows or videogames. I love Harvest Moon, the farming game. The problem is that in a lot of Anime, all the people look childlike, even the grownups. Then, if the kid does a search for more (a very innocent search) he or she can end up seeing childlike characters doing sexual things. They are finding that it trains the mind to think those sexual images on real children for a physical response.
A person’s first sexual experience leaves a huge impression. If that happens to be of a deviant sex act seen online, it can set that person up for an pretty ugly future. Like physical drugs, porn needs stronger hits to get the same response.
Yeah, I learned a lot about a lot of stuff I’d never heard or dreamed of. I’d also found out that, at the time my son was having issues, the school system wasn’t filtering porn sites. They are now.
Amen and thank you!