I was standing in the liquor aisle at the grocery store, when I noticed a brother from the ward watching me intently from the bakery. Not sure how to react, I simply took the desired bottle from off the shelf, turned my head, and made eye contact with him. He looked mortified.
I winked at him, and headed for the register.
Perhaps that was the wrong way to handle it…
…Let me back up for a minute…
Many years ago, my father began a tradition of Christmas punch. Every year on Christmas Eve, he would fill the punchbowl with an improvised concoction. It was different every year, and always delicious.
Christmas punch is always red, usually has a base of cherry Kool-aid, some sort of soda for a little bit of fizz, (Sprite, Squirt, 7-Up, etc.) Then you add whatever is handy – juice from lemons and/or limes, pineapple juice, cranberry juice, grapefruit juice, etc. There really is no right or wrong way to make it.
I continued the tradition, and now my sons have taken over. This year, I was barely involved. It was left to me to buy one of the “essential” ingredients: Grenadine.
My Dad always put Grenadine in the Christmas punch, and so do I. If you don’t know what it is, it is a red syrup they use to make mixed drinks. It used to be made out of pomegranate juice – hence the name, but nowadays it is made from who knows. (Grenadine)
Oh, one more thing: Grenadine is non-alcoholic.
That is the reason I was standing in the liquor department at the grocery store. I was innocently buying Grenadine for our Christmas punch.
So why did I wink at the guy from my ward? I dunno. I guess I was just messing with him. He is a good man, but maybe a bit overly involved in what others are doing…
About 15 seconds after I left the liquor aisle, I heard the clatter of a shopping cart, and a familiar voice calling out, “Bishop! Bishop!”
He had chased me down.
I said, “Hello.” and shook his hand.
He said, “What’s going on?” (His eyes scanning the contents of my cart.)
I smiled and asked, “Nothing. Just getting a few last minute Christmas things. Why, what do you think I just bought?
He looked sheepish and awkward. “I dunno, but I have to admit, I am curious.”
I thought about being wily, but instead picked up the bottle of grenadine and showed it to him. “It’s a flavoring for punch. And don’t worry – it’s non-alchoholic.”
In his best “Ah, shucks” voice he said, “Oh – I wasn’t worried about that, I just wanted to wish you a merry Christmas.”
We said our goodbyes and I left.
I probably shouldn’t have toyed with him like that. I need to set a good example for others. Either that, or I shoulda grabbed a bottle of tequila – just for fun.
Then there is the “Grog Bowl” at many a military functions. The elements of the grog come from history and correspond to specific events and places. I was “nominated” to participate in the ceremony at a function in front of over 500 officers and guests. Part of the tradition is that the soldier takes a swig from the bottle before dumping the rest in the bowl. I had several sleepless nights trying to figure out how to bow out respectfully and decided that I would simply raise the bottle in a toast, then dump the contents.
Prayers are answered when I was listed on the program as representing Operation Desert Storm, where the only thing that soldiers drank was …… water.
I used to put beer on my lawn (mixed with lots of water applied with a sprayer). It was supposed to help stimulate growth somehow. Anyway, the first time I went to buy it I couldn’t find my wallet so I just went with a debit card. Being about 30 at the time I got carded at the register and since I didn’t have my ID I couldn’t buy it. I laughed at myself as I drove home, since I certainly knew that you need ID to buy alcohol pretty much if you’re not a senior citizen, but in the moment, when I went to basically buy lawn food, it just didn’t occur to me.
I think I win, here on this comment thread. I was in Kroger’s paying for my groceries on a Saturday afternoon. I saunter out quickly and encounter the bishop in front of the store buying some natural gas. I stop to talk, but he acts very twitchy, nervous, looking around – he does not want to have a conversation with me. Dude, I’m the Relief Society President, we always have things to talk about. “Bye, see ya,” I walk on to my truck, thinking, that was weird. I start to load my groceries and what do I see – a case of Bud Light. O’ fun. I rush back to the store, of course the Bishop is long gone. I go into the store, show them my prize, they are like, “Do you want to pay for the Bud Light?” Um, no thanks. I get in the truck, whip out my cell phone to call my friend Tammy, also the Bishop’s wife, also one of my counselors. She thinks it’s so hysterical, so funny. I am not feeling the funny at this point. Not at all. I go home, my two adult daughters are there, I burst into tears. I said, “The Bishop thinks I drink beer!” My husband said, “No, he thinks I do.” This does not help. Not. At. All. I guess I’ll laugh about it someday. So far, no, still not funny. Bishop didn’t release me for a few more years. And that’s how we roll in Texas.
Joel and I have wonderful memories of Joel’s Mom and her Grenadine buying escapades. She would end up cracking herself up and there was always a great story involving a ward member seeing her in the liquor isle. She was a wonderful story teller, so the entire family would be rolling by the time she was through. Thank you for helping us remember those fun family stories.
Joel has since invented his own drink called a Sherlito. Its a mix between a Shirley Temple and a virgin Mojito. It’s so yummy. It has its own Facebook page- so if you go to it- there is a recipe.
I personally do not buy alcohol for any purpose, not wanting to have it in the house (among other factors, scary-high rate of alcohol/drug problems from both my father’s family and my mother’s side, and I just don’t want that temptation around, especially during a rough period in life).
I live in California, where “liquor stores” are basically just little mini-mart/convenience store deals. I once walked past one near my then-apartment and saw my then-home teacher, so poked my head in to say Hi. His immediate reaction was to show me what he was getting – Gatorade. 🙂
I agree with you. I would rather not have it in the house, there isn;t anything I really need it for. I can buy good vanilla, I can make substitutions when I cook. Don;t want to have to explain it to my kids. I like nice black and white lines.
“Like” ; )
My grandma is the same way– she had two alcoholic parents, and just told me yesterday that it was the reason she really hated that my grandpa cooked his beef roast with brandy and that we had sparkling grape juice to celebrate special occasions. It helped me understand her perspective better, remembering that her childhood was much different as a result of alcohol and she can’t even stand the appearance of it because of that. I can understand why my grandpa bakes with brandy, too– his roasts are the best I will probably ever taste.
Having said that, I stick with the substitutions, too. I have enough to overcome in this life, I don’t need to add another potential temptation to the stack(other things stay out of the house for the same reason). Even so, I don’t judge my grandpa for his innocent use of brandy. And I completely understand when my friends use vodka for vanilla– especially the ones who live in a foreign country and cannot find vanilla extract.
When my girls got lice for the second time, I discovered vodka and oregano oil are awesome at killing lice. However, buying it was pretty scary! Once I had concocted the mix, saturated the girls’ hair and washed all their stuff, I went and sprayed down every non-washable thing their hair might have touched. This included the seats in the car. I was a bit concerned to be driving around in a car that reeked of alcohol for a few days!
Another story, my brother (who was married) was in a…. er… adult shop, putting together a “Honeymoon Basket” as a wedding gift for a sibling. While in the naughty shop, he saw a guy he home taught… who was single.
Funny! I’ve never seen women get so riled up as when someone asked in RS if it was ok for a married woman to go into an adult store
I alwahs tell people that we Mormons drink Pepsi because Coke isn’t good for us.
Grenadine is a staple at our house.
My dad’s punch was called ” kick-a-poo-joy juice”. It was a funny word he made up for his various mixed juice concoctions. I’ve never tried to spell it until now. It does not spell out very appetizing sounding. Kind of reminded me of that line in Ratatouille about “rat patootie”.
Shawntell, Kick-a-poo-joy-juice is from the Li’l Abner comic strip, FYI.
MMM, sometimes a person just can’t resist. When I moved to a different home in SLC, many years ago, I could tell the next-door-neighbor was searching my moving van as it was unloaded for buckets of wheat or Deseret Book paintings or some sign. She started asking leading questions that I recognized as bait to find out if I was a member, so I answered them ambiguously. She would not come out and ask. She did seem surprised to see me on Sunday and knew that I had been messing with her.
Thanks Susan. I never knew how he came up with that name.
Reminds me of my friend’s mom when we were younger. She was very pregnant with their youngest and she was walking up and down the liquor isle. When the man asked her if she needed help she told him she needed the hardest liquor they had. Worried, he asked if it was for her. “No,” she replied, “it’s for my nine year old son.”. She forgot to mention it was for a science experiment for said son, he was testing the effects of various liquids on cow’s stomach.
This is so UTAH/Western US Mormon!!!! And so funny! My DH (hoping he will one day soon be my EC) is from the UK and drinks tea, albeit decaf (funny how Heavenly Father can make sure your blood pressure won’t stand the regular stuff). He also enjoys coffee now and then (again, decaf) and when his sister and her husband visit, we usually have a couple of bottles of wine on hand, of which he also partakes. The irony of it is, I’M the buyer. He trusts my instincts on wine better than his own and I’m the one at the liquor store. And I’ve never touched a drop in my life. I never worried about it much when living in the UK, but now that we are back in Utah, I admit to going to the next town over to buy it, just in case. By the way, my very favorite non-alcoholic drink is usually only found in bars/pubs – Schweppe’s Bitter Lemon. Living in the UK, I found it was totally acceptable to go to a pub and order non-alcoholic beverages. I was everyone’s favorite designated driver and the bartenders/publicans are really nice to those who don’t imbibe with alcohol. Interestingly, my DH has recently become much more fond of the Martinelli’s than in years past. We may be getting somewhere 🙂
LOL! Autocorrect changed my name to Shearling!
I was going to mention that we sometimes have get togethers with friends from our ward and we have virgin margaritas. I bought a Jose Cuervo mix and Rose’s sweet lime juice mix and it’s in our fridge. I have to admit I always question whether or not to hide it when we’re having guests over. I always fear someone will think the worst.
We also have in our new place a wine rack hanging under a tall cabinet that sits in view of a pass-through window between the kitchen and living room. We have filled it with bottles of sparkling cider. My very close friend came over a few weeks ago and was totally shocked an asked what the heck was going on. LoL! We had some investigators come over some time later and I hid the bottles, just in case.
This was great! Totally laughed out loud and thoroughly enjoyed the comments that followed!!
Either that, or people should just mind their own business.
My guess is, he wasn’t wanting to wish you a Merry Christmas, as much as he wanted to check on the welfare of your soul (sarcasm) Didn’t curiosity kill the cat? (or something like that)At least you cleared it up or you’d be the topic of the next ward council…. 😉
Hahahaha – I’m a caterer and my partner and I (also a card-carrying LDS nice lady) occasionally need liquor for a recipe for our non-member customers. Even though EVERYBODY knows us and knows we don’t drink, we always feel like we should be wearing a mask and buying out of town. But then, if anybody actually heard us, they’d have to laugh because if it’s something we haven’t used before, we have to ask where to find it and frequently have questions about what type we need for what we’re doing. On the other hand, I’ve had a couple of holier-than-thou types tell me we shouldn’t cater for people who want food made with alcohol. I am purely evil – I have to shock them out of their socks and tell them that I actually keep coffee and vodka in my freezer, one for my father and the other to make vanilla. Yes, I make my own. No, I don’t feel bad about it – it’s far, far superior to what we can buy and way more economical.
I’m a strait-laced WOW keeper, but that Rose’s brand ingredient list. . . . Yikes! I’d rather have liquor. Oh, and one time I made my husband go to the liquor store to get me some vodka so I could make vanilla extract, and he said he’d never do it again. But now I need some more. Anyone want to volunteer to pick some up for me?
Slammin Shirley Temples are we? They are yummy, red punch sounds awesome and even more awesome is that you learned it from your Dad and now your sons are taking over. Its always fun to learn about other families traditions, thanks for sharing this! Happy New Year as well MMM 🙂
Reminds me of the J. Golden Kimball story of him setting a man apart while noticing a cigar in his suit pocket.
Hubby used to buy my parents liquor and lottery tickets when they were no longer able to drive. He fretted every time that he might be seen by a member, or worse – an investigator.
Old age has it’s pluses but being able to bring up details to some memories is not one of them. This reminded me of a brother who used to travel around giving programs for young men & young women…but for the life of me I can’t remember his name. I was in the Mutual program in the 80’s when he came to our Stake. He had a part that was about being with his Dad in a popular LDS market in Provo and there in the aisle was a man smoking a cigarette. It was hilarious but I think that you had to hear him tell it. The name Lynn Bryson keeps coming to my mind but ….??
Thanks for your post, you have a way of making me feel that I’m not the only one who finds themselves in situations that days later, begs the question, did I handle that right?
You are an evil, evil, excessively funny man.
My sister-in-law didn’t want to go on her first date when she was a teenager because he was taking her to Applebee’s “bar” and grill! She made him take her somewhere else! And yes, 20 years later we still tease her about it.
My EC and I have often talked about putting alcoholic beverages, cigarettes and coffee in our storage so we could trade with others for things we wanted(if that time ever came). So I totally understand where you’re coming from. I did have a roomate at BYU freak out over a Dr. Pepper though…
Chuckled while reading. Laughed aloud at the end. You’re the best!
Once as a missionary, my companion was sick and swore that only a Coke would help her. We got ready and headed to the grocery store. I felt like a liar with a 2-liter of Coke in on arm and my nametag on my chest. When we got to the front the cashier she said “I’m sorry I cant sell this to you. You’re Mormon and Marie Osmond has never had a Coke in her life.” Shocked… we explained a little of the word of wisdom and handle her a Mormon.org card to read more and she sold the drink to us and i was never more grateful to leave a grocery store in my life!
Funny! My son served a foreign mission where they were actually encouraged to drink Coke.
Why would drinking a Coke make you feel guilty? I’m not being snarky, I just don’t understand the problem. Hasn’t the church put out multiple statements about Coke and other caffeinated sodas?
We love that stuff! but it does makes me feel rebellious when I buy it.
I keep a bottle of vodka in my freezer just to mess with my kids. (It also helps flavor the best darn pasta you’ve ever tasted.)
Vodka is kept in most foodies shelf for making vanilla extract.
We just buy vanilla extract.
I keep a large bottle of Vodka in the cupboard for just this purpose. I’m a baker and love my homemade vanilla extract. And I use wine for cooking once in a while (if the recipe just needs a touch of something extra). I’ve never been bothered by purchasing alcohol either way. Unless the person who ‘caught’ me was a really good friend, I probably wouldn’t bother to explain. My personal boundaries and all…
This may be the best post ever. I bought tea once to use to stain same papers to look ancient for my class and felt like I was buying drugs behind a liquor store. I like your approach better.
I know I was always taught to “avoid the appearance of evil” but when I knew I was not doing anything wrong it irritated me that I was being judged. Evil might just be in the eye of the beholder. Sounds like a fun day at the store …I’d like to hear some of your other shenanigans some time.
On of my kids nearly cried for shame in the grocery store when I purchased a couple bottles of Martinelli’s, since it is bottled to look like wine. He accused me of lying when I said it was carbonated apple juice and then said, “What will people think of us?” Just for that, I didn’t let him have any (I wasn’t going to give him any anyway, since it was for an anniversary celebration)