Note: If you are looking for a post full of wisdom or spiritual enlightenment, please check back another time – this ain’t it.
I was flipping through the channels the other night, and there seemed to be an abundance of action movies on TV. As I watched snippets of each, it became very clear to me that I could never be an effective action hero. I guess all of that Scoutmaster training will not pay off after all.
A few examples:
• In Star Trek: Into Darkness, Sherlock Holmes hits Captain Kirk in the head with a pipe, rendering him unconscious. Moments later, Kirk jumps up and resumes the fight.
My experience: I once left a kitchen cupboard open, and hit my head on it so hard that I couldn’t remember my name for the rest of the night.
• In one of the Bourne Identity films, Jason “We Bought a Zoo” Bourne, leaps from a balcony of one building, crashing through a window of another building, and continues the pursuit.
My experience: If I am walking down a flight of stairs, and there is one more step than I had planned on, I am thrilled if I don’t have to call an orthopaedic. At best I feel kind of “oogie” afterwards..
• Fast & Furious: High speed chases through crowded streets, being pursued by police and/or bad guys, all at over 100mph. The cars they drive can withstand almost any abuse and keep going.
My experience: I totaled our Suburban in a 25mph zone in our neighborhood last fall. (True story) Even worse, I had to walk home to get my reading glasses so that I could fill out the accident report.
• In every Bruce/Arnold/Stallone movie ever made, following each gruesome death or giant explosion, the lead has some clever catch phrase that quickly becomes part of the lexicon of pop culture.
My experience: If I were to see a gruesome death, or a giant explosion, I would be prepared to utter – with great emphasis – the words “Gross!” or “Wow!”
• James Bond always seems to show up at exotic locations, sometimes on the other side of the world – the very next day – with no explanation as to how he got there.
My experience: Standing in line at the airport, trying to find a seat on the next flight, because my flight to the exotic land of Salt Lake City has been cancelled.
A few more thoughts:
• Pirates of the Caribbean? Not a chance. Sometimes I have to go back into the bathroom and brush my teeth a second time, because I feel like I missed a spot.
• Most action movies: I would get too nervous as the camera zooms in and all the action pauses, so I could utter the requisite F-word with everyone’s full attention. I would probably shock them all with a hearty “Darn it!”
• Superheroes are a whole different story: So far I have cultivated only one unique “superpower:” I can make PB&Js and pack lunches in the morning without actually opening my eyes. Really – you should see me – it is impressive.
• I DO understand Indiana Jones when he said, “It’s not the years, honey – it’s the mileage.”
• All the bad guy would have to do to stop me from pursuing him on foot, would be to run past a Cinnabon store.
• My signature line? Not “Martini – shaken, not stirred.” Rather “44oz Dew, 35% crunchy ice, foam cup – so it doesn’t drip on my desk.” Has a good ring to it – right?
• Wolverine claws? One itchy nose, game over.
• And finally: I would inevitably get killed as I tried to convince the villain that I don’t hate him, I hate his sins.
Loved catching up on the ones ibhad missed. However, the superhero post (currently #8) needs to be closer to the top. Anytime we see Sherlock Holmes or Captain Kirk on TV, my husband and I still laugh out loud.
You only need 35% ice? Lucky, that gives you more Dew. I have to have 50%. On the up side, that’s why I consider it a “diet” drink.
Not bad. Not bad at all…
You CAN be a super hero! (Once you figure out how to become one.) Because neither the laws of physics, nor the laws of physiology apply to super heroes.
We love Indiana Jones precisely be cause of the reality check he gives us in the reminder about our “mileage” limits, and that he then goes on to demonstrate that even when we have crossed over into “high mileage” status, we can still be heroes, albeit perhaps not quite as super as we imagined ourselves to be in our youth.
I identify better with Sponge Bob in the Salty Spitoon
And Vatermann (I don’t know why I can’t reply inline) – that’s genius billionaire PLAYBOY philanthropist. 😉
Ok, ok. I could be the average intelligence, far less rich, Mormon version of Iron Man.
And with that, you retain real superhero status.
As a complete aside LOL…..
I do product testing at work, and we recently did a series of tests on foam cups, where we filled them with soda and ice, and then put them in an environmental chamber to simulate a summer day. Within a couple HOURS, not only had the ice melted, but the soda was bleeding through the foam and puddling onto the tray underneath. GUHROSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!
lolololololololol awesomeness. i am very envious of your brain…
This is the best thing I’ve read all day. I read it right before post conference at the hospital today. Everyone was wondering why I was smiling right before I had to give a 20 minute presentation on pre-eclampsiea. I told them I was just really excited about my topic.
Brilliant! Cherry on the cake – your conversation with vatermann. Awesome!!!
My Tuesday was terrific… and my Wednesday is now shaping up rather well too Thanks for the laugh!
And then there’s Jack Bauer who can get resuscitated after having his heart stop, get up, and keep chasing the bad guys. I’m pretty sure I’d need some recovery time. And action stars never have time to eat. I get really grumpy on an empty stomach and wouldn’t have the positive attitude necessary to see me through the adventure. I guess it’s good I have a day job.
One word. Shawarma.
Laura, you’re my hero. I take it all back. I could be Iron Man.
Gotta give you credit – when you’re delusional, you aim high.
A genius, billionaire, philanthropist? Still working on the billionaire part, but 2 out of 3 isn’t bad.
…my point, exactly.
This is so perfect! Thanks for the laugh…
That’s funny stuff!
I got my kids up and went back to lay down for a few minutes and I said “Man, I’m getting old!”. I said it out loud to my husband who is 7yrs older than I am, “do you feel old honey?” BWHAHAHA!
As far as the gruesome death/big explosion…..The first time, after the adrenaline wears off, you throw up. Then the quips start coming after additional events….unless you have desensativized yourself with copious amounts of visual rubbish, then the quips start coming sooner. Luckily, when you are removed from the abnormal situation, the quips start to go away.
As far as the itchy nose thing….another good reason to not pick your nose….Ouch.