My extended family celebrated Christmas Eve together. We have a progressive dinner, with entertainment and gift exchanges. Or, as my kids call it, we have “The Cousin Party.”
We have been doing it for a long, long time and it has become firmly ensconced as a Family Tradition.
This year was especially sweet, in that everyone was there – the returned missionaries were all home, and none of the in-laws had claim on our kids and their spouses. It is becoming more and more rare to have 100% attendance at a family gathering.
But not everyone was there, and their absence was palpable. My mom passed away 15 years ago – at Christmastime. My dad passed away 12 years ago, and my elder brother passed away 10 year ago. That makes half of my nuclear family gone. My sister and brother are still here, and thankfully live close enough for us to celebrate together.
My EC has a similar situation, she lost her father the same year I lost my mother, and lost her mom just two years ago – again at Christmastime. She lost a sister back in her teenage years as well. When we gather with her side of the family, the absences are glaring as well.
Last night, as I was observing the gathering, I made an observation that I have never really put into words before:
Our loved ones might be gone, but we still feel them in our traditions.
• The potato salad? Just like Dad always made. (Mayo, not miracle whip, dill pkcles, not sweet.)
• Pumpernickel bread? Just like Mom always wanted to have – even though hardly anyone ever eats it.
• Strange and wonderful displays of family talent? Of course – just as we have performed/witnessed every Christmas Eve of my life.
• Classic family candies? Just the same as they have been for 50+ years.
• The menu? Probably 80% identical from the menu from 2000, or 1970.
• The reading of Luke 2 to finish up? Just as the patriarch of whichever home we happen to finish in dictates.
Even better, I see the FOMLs embracing these traditions, and I imagine they will carry on for years after we are gone. Are the actual things we do, or the things we eat that important? Probably not.
It is the sense of continuity that strengthens and binds us together. While Tevye in Fiddler on the Roof might be construed as refusing to adapt to the times, his attitude towards tradition pre-dates what sociologists are now proving: Established traditions create strong families across generations.
(Here are a couple of articles to support that claim, here, and here.)
Not every tradition is fabulous – some are kinda lame. We don’t cling to every single tradition that has been passed down to us, be we do hold onto many.
I know there are some out there that are eager to jettison old family traditions in order to replace them with newer, trendier ideas. And of course, they are entitled to do what they want.
But, it is worth taking a hard look at the traditions that we grew up with as we decide what to keep, and what to cast off. Some of those old, hokey traditions helped to make us who we are, and help us to feel after those who have gone before.
Christmas is about my family – and my family was here long before I was, and will be here long after I’m gone. I like that.
I must say that thus far, this is my favorite MMM post. Made me cry.
We had all but FOML #3 and her family. then my EC’s parents, 1 sister and one of her mission companions. Dinner now includes my mother’s pretzel/jello salad, since she is no longer here to make it, still needs work on our part.
We started to think about what new traditions we wanted to have with our grand children since our youngest FOML will be on his mission next year. One is that we will travel to them for Christmas instead of making them come to us.
We came to the conclusion that we will try to revive some of the traditions of our youth, in particular was my Danish G-Grandfather who had the descendants from one of each of his 4 children over the 4 family nights before Christmas (good thing he had a big kitchen with 42 of us in there) Anise flavored hard candy popcorn balls and soft caramel popcorn. my mouth is watering already.
Singing with my children at Secondborn’s house. Children’s father joining in. (I miss singing with him, if little else.) All of Beloved’s children celebrating on that side of the family tree (but there has been some thawing with the Problem Child). Out of state child got to speak with both parental units, siblings, adult nieces, and maybe the Bitties. Getting to know the children’s father’s new wife(ish). Missing Beloved. All in all, a lovely, tender day. (And like Thanksgiving, again, nobody went home crying.) Amen for traditions!
Loved the post! Thanks…brought back memories of Christmas eves when my children were young. It is harder and harder as distance and new in-laws become factors.
Perfect post. Traditions are what get me through each year. The planned things make me feel happy and secure
Wonderful thoughts and feelings….traditions matter! Thanks for posting! Merry Christmas and a Happy New year!
ThankYou! As we watch my mother-in-law descend into the grip of Alzheimer’s, the importance of those family traditions pulls at me even harder than normal. I guess the more we change, the more we stay the same. I’m glad I’m not the only one to feel this way.
As a believer and liver of good family traditions, I must say I love this post. 🙂