My eldest son works with me at the office. Yesterday he had a case of the “yawns.” I noticed, but didn’t pry. Eventually he explained to me why he was so tired.
It turns out that he hasn’t been getting as much sleep because his adorable wife is pregnant. To those of you unfamiliar with the ways of pregnant women, let us simply say that they toss and turn A LOT, and they have very active, microscopic bladders.
Being full of wisdom gathered from raising 5 children, and surviving on this planet for 53.5 years, I did what any loving father would do.
I laughed at him. (Not with him, at him.)
And now I feel the need to explain:
Son, your days of sleeping are gone. Forever.
Right now she is early in her pregnancy and she tosses and turns a bit. Just you wait until she is 8+ months along. You will feel like you are in an inflatable navigating Cat. 4 rapids.
After she has the baby you won’t sleep, because you will have an actual BABY. Babies are Sleep Destructors, so things will only get worse. Some parents achieve near-zombie status during the nursing and teething years.
Then of course, that child (Let’s call him “Scott.”) will have his own room, and own crib, and that sounds peaceful, right?
Wrong! This is 2015! You will have a nursery monitor, featuring full audio and video capabilities, including night-vision, shining at you all night long. Sounds that you would normally be able to sleep through will become amplified to the point where a gas bubble will sound like Mt. Vesuvius.
Odds are, the baby will not always want to be in that crib, and will let you hear about it. If you are a wise parent, you will let Scott cry it out. Stay strong! Resist the temptation to allow that child back into your bed, and don’t pay attention to the militant “co-sleepers” who put the child before the marriage.
Eventually, “Scott” will grow to the point where he is more-or-less content in his own bed, with the bonus addition of being ambulatory. This is great for a lot of reasons: Now he can come tell you that he has thrown up on the carpet, had a nightmare, or wet the bed. This is where you really get to flex your fatherly muscles. It is important that you step up and handle these things and let your wife sleep, but it will require that you learn to operate at a sleep deficit.
Forever.
You see, you might have more kids, and so the same process will repeat – on top of whatever stage you currently find yourself in. Kind of like singing Row, Row, Row Your Boat as a round that doesn’t end for 10 years.
Of course, things will get better when the kids are older – in the teenage years. Just kidding! Then you get to lie awake at night worrying about their latest angst, while listening for the door to open for them to come home. The older they get, the later that door opens.
Don’t forget about early morning scriptures, temple trips, Scout outings, prayers, seminary for some, and of course early Church meetings. All of these combine to make sleeping late an impossibility, svn on most weekends.
Did I mention stress? I almost forgot! I promise that over the course of your adult life you will have many stressful nights where you lie awake, worried about work, family, callings, money, etc. It comes with the territory. So, even if you are in bed at a decent hour, there is no guarantee that you will even sleep.
Thankfully, stress doesn’t keep me awake at night – it prefers to wake me up at 5:00am, and taunt me.
There will be mornings where you have absolutely no reason to get up early, and the house is quiet. You will wake up anyway, out of sheer habit.
Despite the cynicism I present, it really is worth it. Absolutely, completely worth it.Try your best to enjoy the moments as they unfold, because in an oddly masochistic way, you will miss them when they are past.
Just get used to not getting enough sleep. There are far worse things in life than being tired. And remember, being tired is no excuse for being unkind. Tired is understandable. Cranky is lack of character.
Eventually, those kids will be gone. There will be no nursery monitors. There will be no bedwetting, one hopes.
There will be peaceful slumber, intermittently shattered by your snoring.
Thanks for the laugh. As a mother of a potty-training toddler and one-yr-old who still doesn’t sleep through the night, I needed the reminder and some humor.
Great post. My kids slept with us, and anazingly not only did they turn out completely normal, but my marriage is phenomenal. Do whats best for your family, and yes realize that sleep is now over.
I love this. Because it’s just so darned true.
…..as I read this at 230am. Ummm…yeah. I should go to bed. Kids will be up soon. Been doing this for (almost!) 18 years now. You are right. You just get used to it…
Thanks for the laughs..always.
Hahah . . . I’m a Labor & Delivery nurse (in my real life . . .) and I always tell the expectant parents, “enjoy your last night of sleep” with a smile . . . “for the rest of your life”. For some reason they always laugh and think I’m kidding 🙂
I’m embarking on night #3 with baby #2. Thanks for reminding me that it’s worth it. It’s so hard to be kind instead of cranky, but you’re right—it reveals true character.
Congrats!
Ahhhhh, children ARE the finest things in life. Enjoy it while they are young and still at home, because just like you mentioned, they will be gone. It happens sooner than you are ready for. I have two children that are gone, 27 and 29 and I would go back and do it all over again. Blessings……
HAHA!! Oh man this is so true. I kick my husband out to the guest room when I am pregnant. So he can sleep and so I can just toss, turn and have my bouts of insomnia by myself. Your son will soon learn the sliding sleep scale of ability. I am un-functional on 4 hours or less. I am functional with 5, and I am totally awesome with 6 or more.
Ha. Militant co-sleepers. I’d call the “cry-it-out” people the militant ones since they have no concern for the developmental needs of a baby, putting their own desires first. People who give in and let babies in their beds do so because they are pushovers and have big hearts. But I guess this is supposed to be tongue in cheek funny.
*snort* Funniest thing I’ve read all day: “I’d call the “cry-it-out” people the militant ones since they have no concern for the developmental needs of a baby, putting their own desires first.”
We’re with you Sister. 17 years and 5 kids into co-sleeping (whatever) with the kidlets and things are just fine. Struggling more with sleep deprivation now that wife is early morning seminary teacher than than ever did with kids occasionally in bed, and not ditching the calling because it is inconvenient. However, know people in both camps and both seem to have great kids and great families.
Probably the truest post you’ve ever made.
Funniest post ever!!!!!!!!!! 🙂
Every time my mother sees me she says that I look tired. Yup. Been that way for about a quarter century now. I jokingly tell my wife that she can have “He is finally getting enough rest” engraved on my headstone following my demise. She might actually do it.
Thank you for this funny post. I’m also in the toddlerhood stage so I can relate. I just tell myself that sleep is over rated and I’ll sleep when I’m dead. I hope.
Shortly after our 1st was born, I called my dad for advice. I was working full time, and a full time student taking 15 credits. I told him I wake up tired, I am tired all day, and I go to bed tired… and then I worry. I worry about school. I worry about work. I worry if the baby is not sleeping. I worry if the baby *is* sleeping. I worried about a lot of things during the few hours I might have been sleeping. I was redefining ‘well-rested’ to be 3 2-hour naps. He said, “I know how you feel.” I asked his when it finally stops. His answer “I’ll let you know.”
Tired again…
HAHAHAHA! What a great post! I especially like the “laughed at him”. Our oldest did not EVER sleep through the night until he was 14 years old, and by then we had realized the futility to hope for sleep with 4 other children younger than him. I am seriously considering sending this awesome post to my daughter and son-in-law who just had their first child – but perhaps it is too soon to be humorous to them…
thanks for the laugh!
This post is perfectly timely. I was up all night with my preemie who wouldn’t sleep unless I was holding him. We have doctors appointments today, grandparents coming this afternoon, and a house that needs a general cleaning which I should not do, but will, due to no one in my family pitching in. And I’m fighting a sinus infection. Kindness was not really in my vocabulary this morning. Thank you for reminding me to be happy, and that life is really good. I hope you have a wonderful day. 🙂
Thank you for this post. I need this this morning as I’m in the midst of baby/toddlerhood with my babies.
My husband is an insomniac. 2 hours was a great night for him. Our own family to worry about, bishop and now a stake pres with 4000 to worry about. After years he did a sleep study and since Christmas has been hooked up to a garden hose on his face. The first morning he was like “wow is this what it’s like to feel refreshed in the mornings!?” For the first time in 35 yrs we have had to actually set an alarm clock! His comment was ” you should have encouraged me to do this years ago!” Really!? Can I just smack him? He knows he is trying to be funny BTW
As one in the midst of baby and toddler stage, I needed this this morning. So, thanks!
I’ve been tired for about 36 years which is when I became pregnant with my oldest child.. I started teaching early morning seminary when my kids left home, so I will probably be tired for a few more years. Naps have become my friend.