I decided to eat a grapefruit for breakfast, so I went outside to pick one off the tree. It turned out that it was rainy, and I didn’t feel like dealing with the mud, so it is oatmeal this morning, instead.
As I was thinking about my non-grapefruit morning, I remembered the story about the grapefruit that I posted a couple of years ago. It is not my story, but found in an Ensign some 20+ years ago.
I don’t eat grapefruit all the time, but I do every once in a while. I think this story should be visited on a regular basis as well. Enjoy.
The Grapefruit Syndrome
by Lola B. Walters (Link)
My husband and I had been married about two years—just long enough for me to realize that he was a normal man rather than a knight on a white charger—when I read a magazine article recommending that married couples schedule regular talks to discuss, truthfully and candidly, the habits or mannerisms they find annoying in each other. The theory was that if the partners knew of such annoyances, they could correct them before resentful feelings developed.
It made sense to me. I talked with my husband about the idea. After some hesitation, he agreed to give it a try.
As I recall, we were to name five things we found annoying, and I started off. After more than fifty years, I remember only my first complaint: grapefruit. I told him that I didn’t like the way he ate grapefruit. He peeled it and ate it like an orange! Nobody else I knew ate grapefruit like that. Could a girl be expected to spend a lifetime, and even eternity, watching her husband eat grapefruit like an orange? Although I have forgotten them, I’m sure the rest of my complaints were similar.
Gasp.
I quickly turned my back, because I didn’t know how to explain the tears that had filled my eyes and were running down my face. I had found fault with him over such trivial things as the way he ate grapefruit, while he hadn’t even noticed any of my peculiar and no doubt annoying ways.
I wish I could say that this experience completely cured me of fault finding. It didn’t. But it did make me aware early in my marriage that husbands and wives need to keep in perspective, and usually ignore, the small differences in their habits and personalities.
Whenever I hear of married couples being incompatible, I always wonder if they are suffering from what I now call the Grapefruit Syndrome.
One of my faavorite marriage stories and one that I use in my head to remind me not to get annoyed byt stupid stuff.
I appreciate what Happy Hubby shared. I think the difference between his issue and the articles purpose is complaining over trivial Things. Yes, we need to address the big ones, especially those that have a great impact on our relationship. We also need to learn when to let it go. my husband and I are both far from perfect but I have learned over the last 12 years that more often than not I need to keep my mouth shut. I need to prayerfully consider how to address those things that really matter so I don’t attack him and so that he can understand it is a big deal to me. When I do that the odds of successful resolution increase dramatically!
My wife taught me how to eat grapefruit (peeling it like an orange) years ago, and we have enjoyed eating grapefruit together many many times. Sometimes if we adjust our thinking and join rather than criticize, we find out that togetherness can solve differences of opinion.
A happy hubby is right that bottling up emotions gets to the point of not feeling anything but that is not about condemning our spouses for trivial annoyances. I hope A happy hubby can make time to get counseling and unbottle what he bottled up. I did this and rediscovered the happiness that I loss while trying to keep things “bottled up.” My husband puts salt on his grapefruit. I thought it very strange when we married. Now, 38 years later, I grab the salt shaker and hand it to him. If it makes him happy, I’m no longer worried about it.
I love this story! I am going to have to use this in a Family Home Evening lesson. 🙂
There is a huge amount of relationship wisdom in this story. It does seem way too many couples want to point out their spouses faults and if THEY would fix THEIR issues then the marriage would be perfect. They need to apply the grapefruit story.
But like anything, if you take it too far and you just “bottle up” all your desires – soon you find you have no desires – including desire for your spouse. I can say this as it has happened in my marriage. I did that for decades assuming this is how to make my marriage best. Now I am about at the point of staying for the kids (I know, the irony of the name “A Happy Hubby” – from a time I was still trying to be positive).
Hopefully readers won’t misapply the lesson in the story in this way.
It’s never too late to try and fix things. I know because I have also done something similar.
I wonder how my parents marriage would have been different had they heeded the advice it this story. I have always loved it and thought back on it over the years…from the time I was a child to now, married. I have thought about the grapefruit as I found things that drove me nuts that my husband did, and I learned that those things were not mine to change but something to learn to love about my husband, after all those were the things that made him who he was. My parents stayed together for us kids, until recently. And as I reflect on their lives together, I wish they would have chosen to love one another, actively and sincerely love one another. I wish they could have gotten past their grudges and forgave one another, letting the Atonement change their hearts back towards each other, so they could live happily with one another…not apart.
It’s never too late to change and to find that desire you once had for your wife again.
My point was that the grapefruit story I think is telling people, “It is generally better to look over your spouses faults and learn to live with them.” That is wise advice. Looking back, I think I took this as if my wife prefers ANYTHING that conflicts with any of my desires, then I need to always have my desires take a back seat to hers. I honestly think if I wouldn’t be where I am now if I would have said much earlier in my marriage, (as one example) “Honey, you don’t have faults, but I would REALLY like if you give me longs hugs – that makes me feel loved.” Instead I didn’t push her after I asked a few times for long hugs and just felt more and more unloved over the years.
Thanks for the encouragement from Glapha and Laura. My wife won’t have anything to do with going to a therapist, or even reading a marriage book. She has repeatedly told me I am the only one with issues and I just need to get over it. I am going to a therapist, but it is just for me to be emotionally stable – not for my marriage.
There are two important lessons I’ve learned about relationships:
1. I don’t think it’s wise advice to look over faults. Rather, the intent of the story is to learn to never see the faults in the first place. A good MMM article relates to this principle: http://middleagedmormonman.com/home/2012/07/anger-were-in-wrong-business/
2. Everyone has there own love language and just because they don’t express it the way that you want/expect does not mean that love isn’t there.
This was the very first ensign article I ever read- I was a young teenager. I remember the impact it had on me then- and it continues to today. I’m thankful for the inspired sister who had the humility necessary to share it to the benefit of so many others.
I love this story! We have shared it with kids, nieces, nephews and other newlyweds over the years.
Wait… grapefruit grow on trees?
Well said.
I also have enjoyed this story for a while. Thank you for the reminder. Wouldn’t it be amazing to see the differences in the world if all of us practiced this, not just spouses, but everyone from fellow employees up to nations and cultures. Sweet forgiveness is such a refreshing breeze in the heat heat of hatred.
My Dad was branch president when I was growing up and he shared this story at a wedding he performed when I was in my teens. I never forgot it and it has served me well. I look it up and reread it every once in a while. My husband is just like this- he does not notice my faults. I have no idea how I got so lucky. I try to measure up. Thanks for sharing such a gem.