Let me make this perfectly clear: I’m a guy.
And because I’m a guy, some will immediately discount my opinion regarding Mother’s Day. It is true: I will never be a mother. I will never experience what it feels like to create life, to feel it grow inside me – and that is kind of a bummer. On the other hand, I will never have anyone bruise my ribs and dance on my bladder from the inside, and then have to expel said person out of my body with great agony. That part? Not such a bummer.
What I know about Motherhood is as a beneficiary, first-hand witness, and supporter of both the women and the Godly institution.
On a very serious note, I have been greatly blessed in my life: I will also never experienced what it feels like to not be able to have children. I do not know what it is like to not love my mother, or have her not love me. I do not know what it is like to have my children not love, appreciate and acknowledge their own mother – my EC. I recognize that I am very privileged in this area.
Many women, and men, struggle with having children. Some fight for years to conceive – many never do. Many bravely fight the adoption battle to add a child to their family. Many women have such difficult and frayed relationships with their own mothers that this most primordial link brings no joy to their life. Heartbreak does abound.
Those who are living with that heartbreak deserve our love, and our acknowledgment.. They also deserve to be heard…
But not this weekend.
The following are actual comments I received on my blog when I dared sing the praises of Mother’s Day:
“Mother’s Day just makes me feel guilty for not being a good enough mother.”
“I loathe church on Mother’s Day, because it is usually a long, drawn out testimonial to these “perfect” mothers who certainly didn’t get divorced and have kids who all went on missions and got married in the temple. Mother’s Day is the WORST day of the year for me, and I’d just as soon it didn’t even happen.”
“I would rather my family just pretend that Mother’s Day doesn’t exist. The last thing I need is my husband and kids wasting money on things I don’t want or need.”
“I hate going to Church on Mother’s Day because I wasn’t able to have kids.”
“I don’t like the fuss they make in church. I don’t. I guess it’s because I struggle with my own relationship with my mom, and I am not sure some days about how good of a mom I am. It’s a hard day, and I dread it like the plague.”
Ugh. No, I didn’t make those up. I copied and pasted.
There are Mother’s Day haters out there, who are quick to let the world know their displeasure. To them I would say:
Excuse me., ladies: You do understand that everything isn’t always about you, right?
You know that there are other women in the world who actually like Mother’s Day, and kind of enjoy being recognized for the most important thing they will do in their lives?
And you understand that as you complain about it, and talk about how much you hate it, and how unfair you think it is, can cause these well-deserving mothers to enjoy their day less, right? The “plague?” Really?
Unbelievably, some in church leadership worry if they should even acknowledge the mothers at church for fear of hurting your feelings, or having you feel left out. That is just plain wrong. And wimpy.
You are emotionally stronger than that…right? Seeing someone else getting recognition for something you don’t have doesn’t really stir up thoughts of envy, and anguish…does it? I truly hope not, because that is tragic in a wholly different way.
So, how about for the next few days we all just take a breath, bite our tongues, and let the Moms enjoy their holiday? There are 51 other weekends a year to vent.
As for me?
This Sunday, I’m going to spend some time thinking about my departed Mom, and spoil my sweet EC the very best I can.
Why?
Because she grew 5 children inside her body, and then pushed them out, and then kept them alive! WITH HER BODY! If that doesn’t demand respect and recognition, I don’t know what does! I can’t even grow good tomatoes. Even beyond that – she has done an excellent job raising them, and counter-balancing my influence.
Those offspring adore their mother, and they show her all year long – as do I – but on Mother’s Day we try and kick it up a notch – and there is nothing wrong with making a big deal out of it.
I figure if Elder Holland, President Monson, Elder Nelson, and countless other prophets can spend precious General Conference time singing the praises of Motherhood, then we should – without hesitation – be able to do the same thing in our lives, homes, and Sacrament meetings without fear of offending.
I would invite those of you who hate Mother’s Day to check your emotions, and join with us in celebrating Motherhood. Think about your own Mom. If that is difficult, mend fences if necessary (Code for repent.) At the very least, we can all celebrate the Institution of Motherhood.
But don’t sour it for everyone else. Wait until Monday for that.
NOTE: Thank you for the remarkable discussion. It is amazing how polarized we can all be. Now that we have hit 100 comments, I am going to shut it down – any future comments will go to trash. It seems like the comments are getting nastier, and loooonger. Had a couple of 700 word essays. I invite those with a lot to say to start a blog of their own – it is easy, and anyone can do it. (I am living proof.)
Just one quick thought …. I would hope that people could be forgiving of others follies. I think that people who try to honor mothers, non mothers, single women, etc, on Mother’s Day are actually trying to be considerate instead of the other way around. They can’t know everyone’s circumstances and are wanting to allow all women to feel loved and valued. I personally try to be sensitive to others in their situations, but I know I probably fall short sometimes without even knowing it. We all have various pain in our lives – can we please be understanding and forgiving of those who unknowingly cause us hurt, especially those who are trying to instead send love our way?
As the child of a mother that hated mother’s day, I have to chime in. We felt like that Sunday became a day of tip toeing around, trying not to say anything too nice because it might sound fake but trying to do something that would be deemed as “special”. We got to sit next to a mad mom all through sacrament meeting while she listened to all the sentiments from families of the “perfect” moms in the ward. It made Mother’s Day, for us children, a miserable day we had to just wade through so as not to offend mom. From a child’s perspective, we weren’t good enough to make our mom happy on Mother’s Day. As I grew up I realized that’s just Mom’s thing and she loved me as much as I loved her. It was just a crappy day for all of us.
So, while you are sulking away, keep in mind the message you may be sending to your children or spouse. Choke down that nasty breakfast in bed. Smile and fake a tear when you read the 6 year old’s Mothers Day card that involves the word FART. Accept that sad, tired potted plant that some deacon will shove in your face, and go home and hope for a nap. You are doing the best you can, and those “perfect” moms in your ward have the same or worse problems than you.
We had the same childhood tip-toeing around a brooding mother. It sucked. She still flippin does it more than 35 years later. I don’t care how I’m feeling on the day there is no way on this Earth I’m sending the “my kids stink, therefore, I’m going to pout and explode all day” message to them. I absolutely WILL NOT do it to them!
I love Mother’s Day! I made 6 babies and I work hard every day. It’s a day for me to sit back and get the royal treatment!
This was one of your better posts for sure. I used to pull the “guilty” card for a long time and whined about Mother’s Day. Then one day, I realized that every one of my eight children (even the ones who don’t go to church) are loving, compassionate people who have lots of admirers. At last, when people tell me what wonderful children I have and how I must have done something right, I BELIEVE them! And then I started to remember all the GOOD things about my own (now deceased) eccentric mother. As the kids would say, it’s all good.
I have been a mother for 38 years and have learned how to navigate Mother’s Day. It took some doing, let me tell you. I always think of my own mother in all her colors. Then I think about my grandmothers because I felt their influence, too. I will wonder if my four children will remember me kindly, and forgive me my mistakes; they usually contact me one way or the other, on or near the designated day. Then I’ll plan how I want to spend the day, instead of seeing what will become of it. I’ll make it happen, that way I’m not disappointed. See how that works? Basically what I’m trying to say is, I can choose to enjoy the day, so that’s what I’ll do … I will enjoy it. My way. It usually works out just fine. BTW, I’ve read every post and am grateful to MMM for giving us an opportunity to think about this day and how we might shape it this year. There is beauty in the world, even on Mother’s Day. Find it.
This really hit some nerves with ppl!
I feel like your post is a breath of fresh air.
Thank you for telling it straight.
(I agree with some other commenters…it’s not “women’s day” so the uncomfortable part is when they try to lump everyone all together even the YW in our ward…cringe)
I haven’t ever been in your shoes, so I can’t say how I’d feel. I like thinking of it as a Woman’s Day. We have two ladies in our ward who have never been married and have been teachers for 25-30 years each. They have served in YW and Primary in addition to teaching thousands of children over the years. I think of all the “mothering” they’ve done over their lifetimes. One is my sweet visiting teacher, and I adore her! When they hand out things to all the women, I think of them and how they deserve this as much as I do. That said, my single 22-yo daughter thinks it’s embarrassing to have to stand up and get a Mother’s Day plant/flower/treat.
I’ve said most of those things. I’ve been a mom in all sorts of circumstances. A blissful newlywed of 18 months with a beautiful perfect new child, a mother of two with a husband in grad school, a woman struggling with secondary infertility, a stay-at-home mom (finally got hubby through school!) with a shaky marriage but finally got that new baby, and a single mom. And I’ve never loved Mother’s Day. Well, maybe the first two…one when I was pregnant and the second when I was still in blissful baby stage. The last two before I got divorced were by far the worst…I found out things on both days that were devastating and heartbreaking (bad timing).
You say “Excuse me, ladies: You do understand that everything isn’t always about you, right?” But isn’t this supposed to be my day? The one time in a year when you’re supposed to be celebrated for all the sacrifices you make in behalf of your family. Only that doesn’t really happen. It’s just another day. You hear talks about perfect moms, get a potted geranium, and usually still end up making dinner. I guess sometimes it’s easier to just never have any expectations than to be disappointed. No, Mother’s Day isn’t terrible, but it’s just been a let-down to me most of the years I’ve been a mom, and I’d just rather not have any potential for disappointment. I’ll complain now and shut up till Monday.
No – for YOU, it is supposed to be about YOUR mother. For your kids, it is about you.
I was 5 when my parents divorced and my mom left the church and us. I grew up with a single dad and spent Mother’s Day singing in sacrament about how great moms were and how we wanted to be with our moms and so on–all the usual Primary songs–and in my circumstances this exacerbated an already difficult life experience. I felt sad and abandoned and bad. It reinforced to me that my mom didn’t really love me, that I was maybe not loveable. As an adult, I have developed a close and happy relationship with my mom, and I value the divine role of motherhood (and am a mother of 3), but this has taken a level of maturity not accessible to a child. A few years ago I served in a Primary presidency and we had a majority of children without both parents in the home in our ward. During Primary on Father’s Day one year I was conducting and mentioned Father’s Day and found myself looking into the eyes of a lot of sweet children whose father was not present in their home and I remembered my experience at church on Mother’s Day as a child and I felt horrible for these sweet kids who not only lack both parents in the home, but then had to get up in front of everyone at church and sing about this ideal parent that didn’t exist in their lives. I felt like a really crummy adult, and I took the opportunity to talk to them about how they can’t control what their parents do/did, but that they could control things like choosing a temple marriage for themselves when they grew up (obv that can fail too, but that was not my point). The next year, I encouraged the chorister to select songs for sacrament meeting on Mother’s and Father’s Day that were peppy and sweet but did not required all these children to extol a parent who was not everything hopes for in a parent. I was released shortly beforehand due to a move out of state, but Mother’s Day came right before the move and I was so sad to see that the new presidency had reverted back to the traditional Mother’s Day songs for all these children without great moms. I think it is great to recognize motherhood, but I think we can do it in ways that is sensitive to others, especially to children who do not have the perspective, equanimity, or maturity of an adult. I think we are sometimes just creating stumbling blocks for others.
my first several Mother’s Days after placing a baby boy for adoption, i would go into my emotional closet and pull out the sackloth and ashes and put on a sad disposition. i would be super focused on what others had that i only longed for. the day was about loss.
but one year, my birth-son was probably like 8, I was sittin there in my pew of self pity, and something came to me. it didn’t come FROM me. i had an attitude adjustment. my heart got a telegraph and it said “hey… you got to be a mama. you created, carried, and delivered life. you learned love and your heart grew. your course was forever altered in a saving way.” I am a mother! This day is for me too! it was all the sudden like “what am i doing? i’m not sad, i’m full of rejoicing!”
i have loved mother’s day ever since! i don’t feel bad about doing it the way i did it. i WAS sad and it was the process that brought me to my current attitude on the matter.
“comparison is the thief of joy” “count your blessings” give thanks in all things” “come what may and love it” “submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord”
we who fight for it, as well as those who have it and have lost it know the value of the thing in a special way!
I am 37. This old uterus has been vacant these 19 years since. i’m not sayin that i don’t feel that. but i’m gonna love me some Mother’s Day anyway! I Love my mama and my grammas, i love my birth-son’s sweet mama, i LOVE the 9 months and 2 days that i was a mama! and I’m happy for everyone who’s had the pieces that i haven’t.
i do like attention. I do like folx to acknowledge my loss and carry my burden with me every now and then, and if someone offers that on Mother’s Day, i won’t turn it down. but I don’t feel the need that I once did to, as he said “make it about me”. I’ve also learned that i can have a broken heart and rejoice in my blessings simultaneously. I can also be sad for me and happy for others simultaneously and vice-versa.
Wow – thank you.
Keep in mind that while people might voice their opinions in a comment section, it might not be something they ever actually say out loud. It’s possible – and likely- that they smile on mother’s day, give a nice gift, or receive a nice gift, all the while maybe feeling less – than inside. That’s a trait that we women share. We keep going even when we feel bad.
But another trait that I see often in women (as is evidenced by our many communication outlets) is that we also need to vent sometimes. We need compassion. We receive comfort and strength from sharing our feelings. So a safe way to do this is to post a comment in the comment section.
I assume your target audience was women, specifically LDS women. Can you think of a group of women who would have a more complex experience with this? For us, families are eternal. Our being able to have and rear good people is closely woven into our feelings of self worth. Hence the sad part for some of those women.
Christmas is a wonderful time of year. But I’ll never forget walking through K – mart a month after my grandmother died, and hearing Christmas music playing. I felt sad. So sad. How could I ever again be happy at Christmas without her? I had always associated Christmas music with joy, and here I am crying in the shampoo aisle. Can you possibly imagine that?
If you can, imagine that you just wrote a piece and your target market was people who aren’t happy at Christmas bc they lost loved ones, and you’re trying to tell them to get over it and be happy for everyone else at christmas who still has family.
That’s kinda what you did.
I’m sorry if this is not very nice. I rarely post comments, and I probably wouldn’t say this in real life. I’d probably just nod and say, “You’re so right.” But here I am, posting a comment.
See how that works?
Actually, my wife brought up the very Christmas scenario you referred to. we lost a loved one on Christmas, Shoild we walk around telling everyone how much we hate Christmas because of the sad reminder, and deny the celebration for our family? Nope.
My point was really for you, on a literary stand point. Your audience was women who complain on mother’s day about mother’s day. So it’s not likely you’re going to change anyone’s mind. The people that agree with you will say ‘amen!’ And the people that offend (so to speak) will only state their defense, and probably feel sad a few days earlier this year.
And again, I would suggest that most women who do feel sad on mother’s day probably aren’t vocalizing it, much like people who feel sad on Christmas. It’s just a burden they carry around.
Do the complaints you mention happen as much vocally as they do on paper? If you’re tallying the paper ones, try not to. Just count them as an effort to feel some relief. Like a group therapy session.
I like that idea – Social Media is perhaps the world’s largest group therapy session. (Run by really terrible therapists)
Actually, I was surprised how many anti-MOther’s Day folks were all to happy to vocalize it and push for chafes at the wWard level.
While I get your point… Rude!
I have had 3 pregnancies. All 3 ended in miscarriage. I consider myself a mother, but the rest of the world likes to debate that point.
I’m not lacking in emotional strength of I’m honest and tell someone “I don’t care for Mother’s Day. It’s a reminder of the horrible losses I’ve been through.” And I’m not emotionally weak if I debate going to church that day. Because I think it might be better for everyone if I spend the day at home, rather than spending that time locked in a bathroom stall and quietly sobbing my eyes out.
I get your frustration, but be a little more sensitive towards us who do have that raw, gaping hole that Mother’s Day tends to shine a spotlight on.
If none of those things apply to you – then they don’t apply to you.
My feelings about Mother’s Day are similar to some you have mentioned. But like all human emotions they are complex- there’s nothing simple or cut and dry about them. It’s a complicated, mixed bag of feelings and memories for me. I suppose for me the reason I struggle with it (at times, not always) is that Motherhood is a soft spot for me, my Achilles so to speak.
I lost my Mom as a teenager to Cancer. She’s been gone for 14 years now, and I miss her every second of every day. Sometimes so much so, it consumes me and I end up sobbing in the shower so my kids and husband don’t see or hear. I realize it’s a day to celebrate mothers and I’m grateful to have had one, an amazing one, who I have great memories of and who I am sealed to and will see again one day. But today is not that day. And in the mean time, I have to navigate this land mine of motherhood and adult life without my Mom. And Mothers Day feels like a chance to rub salt in the wound.
I feel inadequate and like I fail more often as a Mom than I succeed. I yell at my kids all. Day. Long. I’m grumpy when my husband comes home. All I want for Mother’s Day is to spend it on a deserted island. But then add to it the GUILT that how I’m feeling is selfish and wrong and stupid and short sighted and it makes me want to never leave my bed. And certainly never tell anyone what I’m feeling. The outpouring of love and service and gifts and sappy stories on that day just reminds me of what I’m NOT.
Now, I realize I need to work on that. And I am. I’ll be happy and smile and tear up when my kids sing their Mother’s Day songs in Sacrament Meeting. I won’t say begrudging things or be grumpy about it or be ungrateful for gifts given and service rendered. But the most pressing feeling I’ll have is guilt, because I don’t love every second of motherhood. And because I don’t love this day as much as someone else says I should.
“I can’t even grow good tomatoes”…..classic, MMM
I wouldn’t have a problem if churches, etc. just honored Mothers. But they have to lump everyone in who has a uterus! Honor Mother’s! Don’t honor me! I’ve never given birth and I do not want to be lumped in with Mothers just because I’m a woman! It’s Mother’s Day, Not Women’s Day! That’s what makes the day so upsetting to those who have not had the opportunity! So I will whine all I want about being included in a day that is NOT ABOUT ME!!!!
An entirely different take!
I completely agree!! I’m single, never married, never had children and I really, really do not want someone to try to honor me for what I have not done. I have a wonderful mother and I love to honor her on Mother’s Day. I have sisters and friends who deserve a day of extra recognition, accolades, honor, respect and any other nice thing that they can get. But I haven’t done that. I shouldn’t be recognized. I find myself a tiny bit reluctant to go to church on Mother’s Day because I have to dodge the “gifts” and the “you were nice to my child” comments. Besides the fact that those things really just feel like painful reminders of blessings I have not yet received, I feel that honoring all women negates the heroic women who really are mothers, who gave up their bodies for someone else, or who are raising a child from another woman and who love and worry and nurture in only the way a mother can. I haven’t done that, I shouldn’t get credit for it. Someday I will. But until then, please honor those who have earned it.
Remarkable how wide the spectrum of views can be on this issue. I really appreciate your comment.
I agree. It is a totally different experience to help and nurture others and to be a mom.
I agree! I am married and we are unable to have children biologically. We have since adopted, and have been waiting another four years now to adopt again. But before we adopted…before I was a mom, that was my issue too. I didn’t want to stand up and take the flower and be acknowledged as a mother. No thanks. If you give me a piece of chocolate, fine, but tell me I’m a mother like everyone else…sorry, I’m not feeling it!
But I do think we can all be more aware and loving of everyone around us. Even on a day you are being celebrated you can be sensitive to those who may not be. Just as those of us who may not enjoy the day quite as much can still let those other moms enjoy their day.
I loved my mother, she did the best she could with the circumstances in her life. I celebrate that and have passed that on to my children, for most of my life they were raised by a single mom, Dad was no where to be found or involved. I love that my children tell me often that they appreciate everything I have done for them. Mother’s Day is the icing on the cupcake. We all have our share of pain and grief but we sometimes just need to love one another unconditionally.
This is a very judgemental article. I cannot imagine the Savior saying this kind of thing. Have some compassion! Just because Mother’s Day is hard for some people doesn’t mean they are trying to ruin your day. We should be willing to “mourn with those that mourn, comfort those that stand in need of comfort”, not say “keep your heartache to yourself so I can enjoy my day!”
Thanking you judging my article.
Hey, just adding my 2 cents. I’m sorry if I came across as rude; I didn’t mean to be. I hope you and your wife have a very happy Mother’s Day!!!
That’s ok! I’m feeling a lot of love, and a lot of hate today.
I don’t think you should be feeling ANY hate. Imagine that every comment is made very patiently, with kindness and love in the tone– trying to enlighten and share not correct or censure.
Sandee-love, love, love your comment.
I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to be rude and that probably came across wrong. I hope you and your wife have a great Mother’s Day! 🙂
Or they can do what I do. I take the day off from church. I thank Heavenly Father for my children and He understands why I am not thankful to my mother.
Well said 🙂
The women who posted here are *awesome*! I love how they expressed their feelings and opinions in a clear and thoughtful way, not one of them resorting to name calling. I hope they all clicked “notify me of new comments” because I want them to know they rawk.
I agree. I have loved reading the comments as much, if not more, than I enjoyed the post.
I’m sad that so many were hurt by this post. I think MMM is saying ‘in the past I wrote Mother’s Day posts and had many people get upset and vocal about their hatred of the day–how about we all put our negativeness away for one day and celebrate mother’s without fear of offending’.That is what I took from it anyway.
I shoulda just had you write it for me. Much more concise.
Nah, yours was more fun to read-which is why you’re the renowned blogger 😉
My mother is dead and Mother’s Day is just a big, triggering reminder of that. Maybe some acknowledgement of other people’s pain associated with this holiday and having some empathy and compassion could help you deal with the “whiners.”
That’s a whole lot nicer than what I want to say.
My mother has also passed away. But it doesn’t make me sad about Mother’s Day, it helps me remember with fondness how much I love her and am so grateful she was my mom. It also inspires me to be a good mom. Try empathy and compassion with what has been said and looking at the motive behind the post. It isn’t meant to be unfeeling toward those who don’t have the “ideal”
…it’s to help us not diminish motherhood.
Ugh! I’m with you on this. While I feel bad for women who want children badly and for whatever reason can’t have them,I believe most women never think about what they do for their family. That is what is so amazing about being a mom. The “love” thing takes over and it just brings you joy to do things for them. However, it is very nice to be recognized for Mother’s Day. Even that isn’t about us. These kind of occasions take us away from ourselves to honor someone else. It is a shame that so many dwell on what they don’t have. But, this might help, a quote from Sheri Dew who has never been married, has no children of her own and continues to uplift and strengthen us sisters through her example:
“When we understand the magnitude of motherhood, it becomes clear why prophets have been so protective of woman’s most sacred role. While we tend to equate motherhood solely with maternity, in the Lord’s language, the word mother has layers of meaning. Of all the words they could have chosen to define her role and her essence, both God the Father and Adam called Eve “the mother of all living” and they did so before she ever bore a child.” Happy Mother’s Day to ALL of Heavenly Father’s daughters.
since you are a guy…do the men struggle with the recognition on Father’s Day? Seriously. We don’t need Mother’s Day or any other holiday to go looking for a reason to be offended.
I like Father’s Day, but I sure don’t see the polarization and the angst between men.
“Add your 2¢. Be nice”
How about I be as nice as you are in this blog post? As a woman, you know what I really hate about mothers day? Men telling me how I should feel about it. To those men I say this:
Excuse me, gentlemen. You do know not everything is all about YOU, right?
How about we women feel how ever we want to feel on the day that IS all about us, and you men stop telling us what YOU want us to feel. And if you have ill feelings toward women who express feelings that you don’t like, may I suggest you work at developing empathy and/or minding your own business (code for repent). That would truely be the best mothers day gift of all.
It IS my business when anti-Mother’s Day sentiment diminishes, or shuts down the acknowledgment that the women in my life merit. (However, I am glad to see that you read the post carefully enough to throw quotes back in my face. I hate it when people rip on me and it is obvious they never even bothered to read it.)
Amen, brother! Well said.
Wow. Being someone who struggled to have children I understand very clearly both sides of this coin BUT I think you are being incredibly insensitive to people who through no fault of their own, have not had the opportunity to have children. Every Mother’s Day before I had children I celebrated my own mother but mourned the loss of the future with children. Now I watch others in the situation bravely face a day where they are forced to face that reality while celebrating their mother. I’m grateful for kind people who understand that pain because it’s not just a one day deal. It’s a daily mourning of a future that can not be.
I am not asking people to not feel pain. I am asking them to not leverage their pain to diminish or shut down recognition of Motherhood.
I deal with my emotional issues with Mother’s Day by turning it into a campy holiday. I tell the SUPER gross details of each child’s birth, the times they pooped everywhere, vomited on my special date night outfit, the time one wouldn’t stop screaming penis in Walmart.
I get all day to boss everyone around in fun ways. Hand feed me grapes, rub my feet, make up a poem right now about how awesome I am as queen! I demand silly food. Fruit Loops but only purple and green ones or you will walk the plank! Yes, yes we are having steak for breakfast!
I am more sensitive to my step kids on Mother’s Day. There are lots and lots of issues with their own mom. I try to have them do some silly stuff in line with their own natures and do not threaten them nor tell stories of anything horrible about them. Mostly because I do not have funny stories like that. But I tease them and each one plays along to some extent.
Sure there is a lot of Mother’s day baggage here. I didn’t even touch on my MIL! But I refuse to let a day make me feel so many negative emotions. Even now while the kids are older this is still a fun way to enjoy the day.
Infertility isn’t the only thing making Mother’s Day difficult. There are people who had an abusive mother, or had one that was far less than ideal (not talking about the little things moms do wrong here). I do think sensitivity is important, however I’m not interested in taking away other people’s special day. Everyone has a right to their emotions- and everyone has the right to not participate if this day is too difficult. Not everyone can simply “repent” to repair their relationship with their mother…
I dunno – I feel like I’m having to repent all the time, so that word doesn’t seem that harsh to me.
I didn’t think it was harsh- more like that it implied I wasn’t already working on it/that it should be an easy solution. I respect your opinion though- this is a day where mothers should be honored- and I think it’s sad that leaders are so worried about offending people that it’s diminishing. There are awesome women out there that deserve this day- my mother in law is one of them. she’s awesome and I adore her! I love knowing that she is being honored this Sunday.
People like me are the minority- and I’m completely with you on the idea that if you don’t like Mother’s Day then stay home or find a way to enjoy it, or at least endure it without taking it away from others.
Amen!!!
I struggle with Mother’s Day almost every year..for reasons I will keep to myself..and I have sometimes, I admit,gotten up in Sacrament meeting and gone to sit in the back part of the church bldg away from hearing the speaker and read my scriptures when the talk(s) have been too hard to bear,or have caused me to feel too much grief.But would I try to have others that are uplifted by them not be able to hear them on Mother’s Day? No! I know of the divine nature of Mothers, and how we fit into the great plan of both creation and salvation..and have faith thru the atonement, that all the things we either have lost in this life, or have suffered thru, will be restored to the faithful in the resurrection.So even if I feel alone sometimes, or their are things about motherhood/Mother’s Day that cause me pain..I know like you said..it is one day, and one trial.It is not eternal. So at the end of the meeting,I accept my flower, or See’s candy and feel glad I am part of His plan.Thanks for your insight.
As a child of an abusive mother, and someone who’s had a miscarriage, I feel like this is a very insensitive way to address this. As a young convert wife in the Church, Mother’s Day makes me feel awful for many reasons. People in the Church assume something is wrong with me because I don’t have kids yet. I’m getting pressure from leaders to have kids ASAP. I had a miscarriage after a sexual assault; had that child lived, he/she would be 6 years old today.
Grieving is not “whining”. Being hurt because of cultural expectations about motherhood is not selfish. It’s human. I’m sure someone has said something to you about your abilities as a father, and I’m sure it hurt, even if you got over it later.
No, Mother’s Day isn’t about me. But it’s a nice annual reminder of parental and dating abuse, the possible results of my sexual assaults, etc. I try to be happy but when people constantly ask “why don’t you have kids yet? why don’t you love your mother? what’s wrong with you?”, the holiday gets very old, very fast.
Thank you! I couldn’t agree more. People keep saying- we all have a mother- celebrate her. Not all of us have a mom to celebrate… so if you do be grateful and try to be more understanding that not everyone has that luxury.
I have the same feelings about my earthly father on Father’s day. But I do have a father to be grateful for…Heavenly Father. Are we not taught that we have a Heavenly Mother?
Now that I’m of grandmother age and a member of the church for 33 years, I am far better equipped to handle all the emotions of being a non-mom. But as a brand new convert so many years ago, joining this wonderful church which celebrates families, I did not know where I would fit in the plan. I appreciated the extra TLC I received and gladly offered “Happy Mother’s Day” wishes to all the moms. It might have been a whole different story if the non-mom issue had been dismissed.
Sometimes it takes baby steps to mature. I needed the extra time.
Would you have written this if you were going through infertility? Or were recovering from a recent loss? While Mothers Day is definately not a time to put down people who have had children it is definately not the time to tell someone who has struggled with infertility to check her feelings. I don’t know if you are Mormon or not but I would reach into the scriptures for a little compassion.
Not sure if he is Mormon? Have you read the name of this blog? jus’sayin’
“Excuse me., ladies: You do understand that everything isn’t always about you, right?”
Well, I AM a mother so mother’s day IS supposed to be about me, right?
My husband and I, along with our five kids, are active church goers. My kids get good grades in school and are involved in good things. They are good kids. My husband is a wonderful provider and is a great support to me.
Why do I hate mother’s day? Last year, my 2nd to youngest drew me a picture, which I still have hanging by my desk. That was all I got for mother’s day (and this is common in my home)….not that I’m wanting anything. No one even said “Happy Mother’s Day, Mom.” So I get most of my Mother’s Day attention at church, where I hear people give talks about their wonderful mothers. I am reminded that it seems like everyone else in the world is appreciative of their mother, and shows it, specifically on that day, and that I am not important enough in my own home for (almost) anyone to show it. My kids are obedient and give me moments where I know they are grateful for me. It’s this awkward build up that they HAVE to show it on that day that makes me uncomfortable, and when they don’t, I am left feeling inadequate.
I guess, for me, it’s a day when affection toward mothers is to be expected, but for those of us who are treated as though it’s any other day, it’s a let down. We are left to think, “What’s wrong with me?”
Take mother’s day out of the calendar and I’d feel very fulfilled almost every day of the year (we all have a hard day now and then). But because of it, I am reminded that I’m supposed to be “spoiled” or “treated like a queen” that day. But I’m not. Never have been. Probably never will be.
My husband’s family treated Mother’s Day much like your family does. (We’ve since tried to change that some.) In my family, we tried to celebrate our mom. (Breakfast, sometimes in bed, nice dinner that she doesn’t have to cook, small gifts or tokens of affection–Even though she’s one of those moms that always felt/feels guilty that day that she wasn’t good enough.) I am now a mother of five and after growing up the way he did, my first Mother’s Day was very disappointing for me. I was two weeks from giving birth to our first baby and my husband was young, naive, and hadn’t really experienced making Mother’s Day a big deal. I let him know how I expected to be treated for Mother’s Day and then I made sure I made a big deal for him on Father’s Day. Shallow? I don’t know. Maybe. But I haven’t been disappointed again since then because he knows what makes me feel valued to him on Mother’s Day. Maybe you could let your husband know how it makes you feel.
I hope you will be able to communicate to your family how you feel so that they can learn how to let you know in ways they know you’ll appreciate. Because I’m sure that they want to make you feel appreciated, they just don’t know how.
On another note, I have the occasional guilty feelings many of us moms do on Mother’s Day (that I’m not good enough, that I’m screwing up my kids) but I avoid those feelings the best I can because I know how my mom felt/feels on Mother’s Day and I know that that’s NOT how I feel about her. I’m more than happy to celebrate her so I should allow my kids that same happiness without ruining it for them and making them feel like they’re having to constantly reassure me instead of helping them feel like I truly appreciate their thoughtfulness. I love Mother’s Day! I have 364 other days of the year to feel guilty for what I may or may not be doing wrong. I choose to celebrate that day that I get to be a mom (as difficult as it is).
I gave a lesson last week based on this 1987 Ensign article: “One Thing Needful” by Patricia Holland. I focused mostly on the coming to Christ aspect, but there is a very large portion of the article that focuses on our roles as women and of course “motherhood”.
“As I tenderly acknowledge the very real pain that many single women, or married women who have not borne children, feel about any discussion of motherhood, could we consider this one possibility about our eternal female identity—our unity in our diversity? Eve was given the identity of “the mother of all living”—years, decades, perhaps centuries before she ever bore a child. It would appear that her motherhood preceded her maternity, just as surely as the perfection of the Garden preceded the struggles of mortality. I believe mother is one of those very carefully chosen words, one of those rich words—with meaning after meaning after meaning. We must not, at all costs, let that word divide us. I believe with all my heart that it is first and foremost a statement about our nature, not a head count of our children.
I have only three children and have wept that I could not have more. And I know that some of you without any have wept, too. And sometimes too many have simply been angry over the very subject itself. For the sake of our eternal motherhood, I plead that this not be so. Some women give birth and raise children but never “mother” them. Others, whom I love with all my heart, “mother” all their lives but have never given birth. And all of us are Eve’s daughters, whether we are married or single, maternal or barren. We are created in the image of the Gods to become gods and goddesses. And we can provide something of that divine pattern, that maternal prototype, for each other and for those who come after us. Whatever our circumstance, we can reach out, touch, hold, lift, and nurture—but we cannot do it in isolation. We need a community of sisters stilling the soul and binding the wounds of fragmentation.
I know that God loves us individually and collectively as women, and that he has a mission for every one of us. As I learned on my Galilean hillside, I testify that if our desires are righteous, God overrules for our good and that heavenly parents will tenderly attend to our needs. In our diversity and individuality, my prayer is that we will be united—united in seeking our specific, foreordained mission, united in asking not, “What can the kingdom do for me?” but “What can I do for the kingdom? How can I fulfill the measure of my creation? In my circumstances and with my challenges and my faith, where is my full realization of the godly image in which I was created?”
https://www.lds.org/ensign/1987/10/one-thing-needful-becoming-women-of-greater-faith-in-christ?lang=eng&query=patricia+holland
I love this excerpt from this talk and would never have read it if you didn’t post it. Thank you. I think it is very pertinent to this conversation and perfectly explains so much. I especially love:
“I believe mother is one of those very carefully chosen words, one of those rich words—with meaning after meaning after meaning. We must not, at all costs, let that word divide us. I believe with all my heart that it is first and foremost a statement about our nature, not a head count of our children.”
This quote addresses many of the hurts expressed here in some comments, as well as hurts I’ve heard expressed by others on and around Mother’s Day.
There are mom’s out there that complain about Mother’s Day a want to ruin it for all! I’m just one Mom who had a very troubled relationship with my Mother. Nothing was good enough for her. I tried so hard for so long. It does not mean that I don’t celebrate her as a Mom. She has passed away and I can think of her on Mother’s Day. As for myself I do not care for the day. It brings up hurtful issues. I like it for other Mom’s and give them my love. I do not going around telling everyone of my dislike, after all it is their day. But please don’t direct your harsh words to all Mom’s who just simply don’t like the day for whatever their reason. Mother’s Day is personal. I do not care for ladies who want to ruin it for others. So Happy Mother’s Day to all!
I never liked Mother’s Day either, partly for MMM’s list of negative reasons, but have finally gotten over it. I told myself I’ve worked hard and done a LOT for these people and I deserve recognition for that! However, I’d rather feel loved and appreciated and have that expressed throughout the year instead of family feeling obligated to do/buy/say something because it’s Mother’s Day. Thankfully, my kids are really good about that now that they are adults.
I’m all for doing both – every day of the year AND a big splash on Mother’s Day.
MMM: you tackled a tough subject with this post. I admire you for it. Keep up the good work. I agree with your advice to realize that Mother’s Day isn’t about me. Thank you…I’ll be happier this Sunday.
Whether we were good mothers or bad – whether we have children or do not – we ALL – EVERY ONE OF US – have a mother!!! Let’s celebrate her!
I grew up with a great mother, and so did my husband. But not everyone has had that experience. Some people grow up in homes where they are abused by their mothers. We should have empathy for those who have these experiences.
My wife and I struggled for a number of years with infertility early on in our marriage. Mother’s and Father’s Days were difficult, but my good wife once recommended this quote from Elder Holland for such occasions: “Brothers and sisters, there are going to be times in our lives when someone else gets an unexpected blessing or receives some special recognition. May I plead with us not to be hurt—and certainly not to feel envious—when good fortune comes to another person? We are not diminished when someone else is added upon. We are not in a race against each other to see who is the wealthiest or the most talented or the most beautiful or even the most blessed.” (“The Laborers in the Vineyard”, April 2012 General Conference)
This quote from Elder Holland was one of the first things I thought of while reading the post. Thanks for sharing it so I didn’t have to search for it!
I love that quote Dr. Nick. My sorrow on Mothers day is that 4 of my 5 children have left the faith and I face constant mourning and mountains of self blame. These children were born in the covenant and raised in the church but I can’t help worrying that my family home evenings weren’t heart grabbing enough or maybe we forced too much and didn’t inspire enough.
I am relieved that I don’t feel envy for those with faithful children and I will smile and ACT happy on Mothers day. I would not want to take anything away from others happiness– but the truth is I am in the ranks of those that wish I could fast forward past the holiday just for me personally.
Near the end of Relief Society our ward has all the women released early from their assignments so they can gather for a little light reception with yummy treats for all the women over 18. This is a thank you for their nurturing and kindness. I think it’s a good way to celebrate that avoids having mothers stand up to receive a flower or something like that.
What about all those that argue single dads need to be honored on Mother’s Day because they are “mom and dad?” The same goes for single moms on Father’s Day.
Father’s Day?
As a woman who came late to the Church and late to Motherhood, I am extremely grateful for both. Having had 5 miscarriages and managing to have 3 miracle children I can understand the feelings of those who may not enjoy Mother’s Day due to their own pain. I hope we all can have empathy for those who grieve while we celebrate (and rightfully so) our Mothers, wives and those who have done so much for us. Thanks again for another wonderful post. 🙂
Was that a Jim Gaffigan refence (2nd bold sentence)? Well done, sir.
I am giving a talk in sacrament meeting on Sunday. And I have struggled with how to do this best. I know Mother’s Day is hard for so many and I know that I have gone home on Mother’s Day feeling sad that we were not honored. And that in the desire to not offend we have instead not honored. The family is of God. And motherhood is essential to that plan. So I’m going to do my best to honor the institution. My own mom. And my own children who have made me a mother. And the joys and struggles of being a mom. Wish me luck.
Best of luck! Let us know how it goes.
I used this almost 20 year old Ensign article last week. It is so long that I focused mostly on the parts about coming unto Christ. However, there is a very large part that talks about womanhood and our different roles and how we are all mothers because we are likened unto Eve, the mother of all living. It was written by Sister Patricia Holland. https://www.lds.org/liahona/1988/03/but-one-thing-is-truly-needful?lang=eng&query=patricia+holland
I am a mother to an awesome 6 year old, but have struggled with infertility for the last 4 years and suffered multiple miscarriages. I sit on the fence of both camps. Mother’s day has been a battle for me.
In response to your thoughts,” You are emotionally stronger than that…right? Seeing someone else getting recognition for something you don’t have doesn’t really stir up thoughts of envy, and anguish…does it? I truly hope not, because that is tragic in a wholly different way.”
I think it is important to understand that the naysayers are struggling with deep feelings of loss. It’s not that they are trying to take away from those that have children and are mother’s….it’s that mother’s day is a reminder of what they don’t have, will never have or have lost. Because our divine nature as women is to be mothering, nurturing, we crave those relationships. The absence of which creates deep wounds, and each reminder of that emptiness is a painful mixture of salt and lemon juice. It is hard to explain to someone who has never experienced that pain, but unfortunately, some days, that pain is all consuming. Some days, the emotional pain can be so bad, that it can be felt physically. It is tragic as you say and some days, we are not emotionally strong enough to fight those feelings.
That being said, we all need to take ownership of our own feelings. It is not the Bishop’s job or anyone else’s to cater to what is comfortable for me. If I wake up on Mother’s Day and don’t feel up to going – I don’t go. If there is a Relief Society lesson that makes my heart ache – I get up and leave. We are responsible for ourselves and while it is nice for people to be sensitive to my situation, it is not their responsibility.
I am 100% for celebrating the women in your life that have made a difference! Spoil them, love them, and thank them.
Holly: Thank you for that insight that I could never offer.
Thanks Holly for your words. I can testify that your second paragraph is 100% correct. After my 2nd trimester loss and the last 9 years of seeing every sister in-law have multiple children and you don’t, it is physically painful. When they call to announce their pregnancy, you show excitement over the phone or most recently, in person, but as soon as that phone call is over, adrenaline kicks in and for me, my entire body shakes, then the tears, the sobbing doesn’t seem to stop. Sometimes I’m not emotionally strong enough to fight these feelings.
As others have said, I am still very happy for these mother’s, am I just sad for what I may never have, when after marriage, being a mother has been the ONLY thing I have ever wanted. I pray sometimes that my divine nature as a woman to be mothering and nurturing will just go away.
I’m an adoptive mom and deal/have dealt with infertility. Grief and jealousy are not the same thing, so I want to be clear that when someone expresses grief or sadness about mother’s day, that isn’t whining. And most people obly express it to those they are very close to. After all, the act of giving birth in and of itself isn’t reason to celebrate someone. There are plenty of terrible people who have done it, and it is one of the least exclusive clubs in the world. I have actually heard very little whining from this camp or from people who have lost their mom or have a challenging relationship with their mom. MOST of the whining I hear is from people who actually have the blessing of experiencing motherhood, and that is what blows my mind. I agree with you that the whining needs to end. I also think your treatment of women who don’t have kids is a tad insensitive here (coming from a mom who does have kids, but has been there). They’re going to feel bad and grieve on Mother’s Day, not out of jealousy but out of grief, and suggesting that their feelings are wrong and selfish is demeaning.
Thank you, Abby. Well said.
I see your point – I see it a bit differently: I understand that sadness and grief is inevitable, and I’m not suggesting that is wrong or selfish. What I consider wrong and selfish is to leverage those feelings to diminish, or shut down, the opportunity for others to honor Motherhood.
I agree that it’s not a reason to ruin anyone else’s day, but the statement “Seeing someone else getting recognition for something you don’t have doesn’t really stir up thoughts of envy, and anguish…does it?” is putting down the idea of feeling anguish on Mother’s Day at all. Anguish is going to be a common feeling for many people in response to Mother’s Day. The feeling itself is not selfish. Ruining someone else’s happy day because of your own negative feelings IS selfish. You haven’t clearly separated those things out here.
LOVE what you said. I completely agree.
Did Brigham Young’s kids have to buy presents for all their moms? That could have been both labor and financial intensive.
I found this quote the other day, and I think it goes well with your topic.
“Mother’s Day is meant to be guilt-free,
Embrace the good things you do as a mom
and let them be celebrated.”
Like you stated, I don’t understand that whole part of the creation from the inside, but I do know that womanhood and motherhood are the supreme creation of the Creator.
Celebrate it in whatever way makes you happy!
Amen.
Amen! People of the world we have become too PC, too overly sensitive and self centered, we need to get over ourselves. I had a great mother, I’ve tried to be a great mother, most often failing, but still grateful for the opportunity. If I hadn’t had the opportunity I would still celebrate “Mothers” on the one day of the a year set aside to do just that. Without mothers none of us would be here and of course fathers too. I look forward to celebrating fatherhood in June, but it’s May so I’m focusing on moms!
I agree. Motherhood is a difficult job. Can we just celebrate their contibution to our lives?
Back in the early 80’s as a new convert and barren, I was confused about Mother’s Day. My bishop was very sensitive to me and my situation. We would never have children and the answer from the Lord about adoption was, “No, you have another mission to fulfill.” So with many conflicting emotions, I struggles to understand.
Our loving bishop made sure that Mother’s Day gifts were given to ALL women, 18 and older as a tribute to our nature not our circumstance. He changed my life and the day no longer was one of heartache and confusion. I still bless that man. I hope all women in the church will feel loved and happy on Mother’s Day.
I love this, “a tribute to our nature, not our circumstance.” Perfectly said.
You’re right. As for me, I’m happy because I’ll be a mother soon! 🙂
May I quote you?! “Tribute to our nature not our circumstance.”
Marinda, sure you can quote it. It is similar to a quote from the talk by Patricia Holland that is mentioned in another one of the comments. Thank you!
I actually dislike gifts being given to all women simply because they are women. It’s not Women’s Day. It’s Mother’s Day. I am a single woman who has never been married and therefore I don’t have kids but I don’t want the gift on Mother’s Day. I am not a mother. I contribute to society by teaching, but I’m not a mother! I celebrate motherhood and admire the women who are mothers in my life and I have no problem with Mother’s Day being celebrated, but just being a woman doesn’t make you a mother. This week is teacher appreciation week. Should janitors and lunch ladies receive gifts too? They aren’t teachers. But they work at a school and have contact with kids?! Should a cashier be honored on bosses day because they may one day be a boss? Should anyone who has ever answered a phone be celebrated on secretaries day? Of course not and most of us would find those things silly. So why should someone who might possibly be a mother so day or who is mother-like be honored on Mother’s Day?!
Kari, I used to think the same way, until someone reminded me that Eve was called the mother of all living before she ever bore a child. It really changed my perspective. I also love Julie Beck’s conference talk from several years ago called, “A Mother Heart.” Just another perspective.
Kari, I agree wholeheartedly. Let’s just have one day in the year where we are grateful for mothers. period.
Thank you for saying this! In my last ward our bishop would not allow talks about mothers on Mother’s Day because he didn’t want to offend anyone. I’m a little tired of feeling guilty for being a mother. I can have sympathy for those who do not have the opportunities to be mothers and still love being a mother myself, can’t I?
I understand your point. I fall into the camp of no earthly children. I’m going to be snarky and say that we should have a day to celebrate those who can’t have children. 😛
Other than saying that and sometimes expressing my pain to my husband, which he already knows, I don’t say anything to anyone nor do I write some blog post or anything of that nature. It wasn’t around Mother’s Day, but I was talking to my older sister about the grief of not having children and I asked her to think of something she wants so badly, and everywhere she goes everyone has that one thing, but she will never have that, ever…at least here on earth. That is the only thing I can think of to compare this grief.
I hope my 2¢ is nice enough to make it 🙂
Thank you. I appreciate your chiming in. I don’t think that celebrating motherhood and sympathizing with grief – such as yours – are mutually exclusive, and I think as members of the church we do quite well with both.
Sadly I have to disagree with you there. We as members of the church do a HORRIBLE job of celebrating motherhood and sympathizing with grief at the same time. They should be mutually exclusive but often time they are. It’s not anyone fault really it’s just that the church is by definition and rightfully so, extremely family centered. EXTREMELY! so if you don’t have the family everything in the church is a painful reminder of what you don’t have. It’s very difficult to teach family centered doctrine and be sympothic to people without the family structure without sounding very insincere
Beth: I think President Packer addressed this best when he counseled that the doctrines be taught without apology to the masses, but that the comfort needed be ministered individually. That is the only way I can see to teach true doctrine, AND care for the hearts of those who don’t feel they are a part of the “normal” structure.
(And yes, I did say I was stopping comments – but I thought yours raised an interesting point.)
And for the record, adding to my comment from Holly’s, I still celebrate Mother’s Day because I have a great mother, even though we aren’t super close, and I married a great man who has a great mother. Plus, I know that I can choose to look at all mothers and recognize their greatness. Still does not take my grief away!
Which makes your recognition of others even more admirable, and selfless.
Thanks 🙂
Myndie, I empathise with you. I couldn’t have children, but was able to adopt 2 beautiful boys.
But, even with them, I feel pain in knowing that I will leave this earth never having experienced the joy of childbirth.
I am so grateful for an eternal perspective 🙂
Amen