As many of you already know, FOML3 is getting married and sealed next Friday to his sweetheart. We are thrilled for Alex and Madi. Great kids, and a great couple.
When it comes to marriage advice, all of you know that I’m full of it. Wait – that came out wrong. What I mean to say is that I am more than happy to offer my advice on how to have a happy marriage. I consider myself a sort of a non-professional, non-degreed, non-stewardshipped expert on the subject. But, I readily acknowledge that other people have marriages almost as good as mine, and have plenty of insight. And that makes me happy.
Have you been to a wedding reception where they have asked you to offer some wedding advice on video for the young couple? Think of this as an MMM blog version of that.
Today, instead of reading my thoughts on how to have a happy and enduring marriage, I’m throwing it open to all of you. I cleared this with Alex and Madi, and they thought it sounded like a great idea. (I figure that they aren’t going to remember much of what happens this week, but they can go back and read this stuff later.)
Please submit your thoughts and experiences on marriage as a comment below. Your advice doesn’t have to be only spiritual. It can be whatever you feel has been of worth to you in your marriage. (I do reserve the right to screen them before they get posted.)
Also, if you are in a marriage, or are out of a marriage that was not so great, you still might have something to contribute in the way of caution, retrospect, or hope. Just leave out any references to hit men, someone being drawn and quartered, or how much you have grown to hate the institution of marriage. (Time and place, people.)
Instructions:
- Share your advice. Don’t ramble. I like the suggestion that writing should be like a woman’s skirt, “long enough to cover the subject, but short enough to keep it interesting.”
- Include any supporting links or quotes if you have any.
- Include how many years you have been married.
- If you choose to be funny, make sure it’s funny.
- Submit the comment. It might take me a little time to moderate and post it, because I will be at church part of the day.
- Check back and read what people are contributing – you might learn something.
- Give your spouse a big, passionate kiss and start gearing up for Valentine’s Day.
This is gonna be fun. Thanks for your contributions in advance – from both me and the cute couple.
Married 10 years.
Romantic love has less to do with candlelight dinners and sunsets skies, it is more about the anxious welfare of one’s companion.
True love isn’t pillow talk. You can declare your affections from the church pulpit, shout it in the town square but, unless your actions confirm — your words are void. They are merely declarations. Think little demonstrations, be thoughtful and deliberate.
The most important date on your calendar is the temple. Set that monthly and build around it. You’ll learn to do things the Lord’s way.
Create a sacred space where you can talk about things without feeling like either of you are ending things.
Practice reflective listening. “When you said __________ I heard/ felt __________. Is that what you intended to say?” This approach doesn’t assume motive. It gives the other person a chance to clarify their position. Often times, when overcome with an emotion or overwhelmed by a situation we don’t frame things clearly. Give your companion the benefit of doubt.
Read the 5 Love Languages.
Read 7 Principles For Making Marriage Work (John Gottman). Every couple argues. It’s the quality of your repair attempts that are crucial.
In the scriptures the Lord didn’t warn against conflict. He warned against contention. He gave the template: use kindness, love-unfeigned and gentle persuasion.
Men — the second most important thing you can learn to say after I love you, is ‘I’m sorry and I was wrong’.
Listen to what’s NOT bring said. When a woman says “you’re always on the computer” she means I miss you. You’re not hearing bids for her attention. When she says “you never take out the trash” she means I could use some help. The natural man reacts because he’s only wired to hear demands. The spiritual man responds because he’s discerning.
Treat you wife like a thoroughbred and you’ll never get a nag. – Zig Zigler
First (temple) marriage lasted 14 years, porn ruined that one. Back then no one knew how to deal with it. STAY AWAY! Second (temple) marriage lasted 20 years, (major control issues) but fortunately in this case the (civil) divorce last year was the catalyst needed for positive change, and we have plans to remarry. We have tradition for each anniversary of going to a temple we’ve never been to before, then getting a framed picture of it to hang on a wall in our home with a small, label-sized placard with our names, the year and temple name which we have continued this year as well. Example of my parents’ 70-year marriage legacy touched us all, their kids, grandkids, nieces and nephews. We saw the ups and downs, but also the fierce loyalty. Even through times of anger, they only had eyes for each other.
We’ve been married just about 18 years and most of what I would say has already been said but two things pop into my mind that I don’t think have been said this way….the first is that when those times come up that you don’t feel so loving, find a way to serve them, those loving feelings will come back. The second is for when you are about to walk in the door to your spouse or family or when they are about to come home think first “What can I do to make the other persons day better?” And if you’re unsure, ask them.
34 years married, joined the church, 32 years sealed.
1. God loves your spouse more than you do. If He can put up with him or her, so can you.
2. Go to church every week. Period.
3. You probably are marrying someone good. Not perfect, but good. So the best advice I ever heard was this: “He don’t mean no harm.” We can say some really stupid things and act not nicely but I try to remember that, “he don’t mean no harm.” He usually doesn’t.
4. Don’t ever speak unkindly about your spouse to anyone. You may forget what he or she did, but the person you told won’t ever forget it.
5. Wait. Sometimes it’s best to just wait. Not say anything, not do anything. The Lord has told me that many times as an answer to prayer. It saved me untold heartache and problems by just waiting.
6. When you are going through hell, keep going. You will eventually come through it. That means don’t wallow in it. Keep plugging along and with prayer, things usually work out.
Hope this isn’t too long. Have fun! It’s worth it.
My eternal companion and I have been married for a little over one and a half years now. I’ve really learned in this marriage that when problems arise, it’s always important to remember that we’re on the same team against the problem, not me vs. him but us vs. the problem.
From my first marriage, which lasted about six years, I learned that, while there is great wisdom in not badmouthing your spouse to family and friends, it’s also important to recognize when you do need outside help and to find a trusted person to confide in when needed.
I think one of the most common phrases of advice for newlyweds is: Never go to bed angry. I totally do NOT agree. Now this doesn’t mean that you SHOULD go to bed angry every night…;) It means that if you are having a disagreement and it is bedtime and you haven’t resolved it – Go To Bed and go to sleep. If you’re over tired and over emotional and trying to resolve ‘some issue’ all at the same time – good things do not usually happen. Someone ends up saying something they wouldn’t normally say. The ‘discussion’ ends up going on and on and on and…usually getting worse. So, go to bed, get some rest, get up in the morning and get on with the routine of the day (work, school, children) if needed without being too ‘frosty’ to each other and then make sure you set some time aside to discuss whatever it is again at a better time.
If you notice your spouse is always the one to bring up prayers, reading the scriptures, going to the temple, etc please try to pick up the slack. It can be exhausting for one person and they can feel like they’re being pushy.
Be united in your union! It’s you two against the world, including offspring! Offspring seek to divide and conquer – make sure your decision is unanimous so the offspring don’t detect chinks and work their way in…
Be reminded your spouse came first, and will remain, post-offspring. Stay interested and interesting…
Be tender with your significant other. Tenderness extends love, softens the hard-hearted and heals heartache.
Be thankful – be sincere in your gratitude for their actions.
Be glad and giddy you got the gal / guy and let them know it!
Married 11 years as wife #2.
Married 45 years. My advice: Wake up each morning thinking, “What can I do today to help my (insert spouse’s name here) day better and easier?
That’s it. Unselfishness. It works.
Never butter toast oven an open drawer.
Be very patient with each other, especially when you’re in times of stress (eg: finals, job transitions, new baby, new church callings, etc.). It’s ok to do things “your own way” and not the way your parents did things. And don’t worry about what your newlywed peers are doing either. Just be you guys.
Oh and when your sweetie is very pregnant, pick things up off the floor for her, offer to tie her shoes, and let her sit on the end of the bed, instead of kneeling on the floor for prayers … it’s a long way up otherwise!!
We’ve been married 13 years, and are still learning, still growing, still figuring it out sometimes.
married 50 + years, have been raised by 10 children, 49 grands, 7+ greats – my advice – Always make yourselves available to the Lord and He will direct you to experiences that will far surpass anything you could ever wish for or dream of.
My father in law told me this, not sure if he was telling me this specifically for my wife or for all wives everywhere.
“If you think you’ve won an argument with your wife, the argument isn’t over.”
My take is, pick your battles and be the first to apologize, forgive and move on.
Love the advice we got from Matt Townsend: don’t jump to conclusions. Check out their story.
Also, from Christian Andersen: Make your response Christ-like.
Hugs and best wishes!
After reading through the advice already given I do not have anything new to add. After 43 1/2 years we have experienced many highs & lows. We were married and almost divorced before we welcomed the Elders in and learned about the church and marriage for time & eternity. My EC is my best friend and he will tell you I am his. Throughout our marriage we have faced many challenges. Pull together, keep communication open and never forget the love you share can continue to grow and strengthen. Pray, read scriptures together and take time to talk but also to listen. Your new adventure/journey is just beginning but it will be long and rewarding. Later this year we will celebrate 38 years since being sealed. Being worthy and attending the Temple often has been a highlight leading to more joy then can be explained. Love to you both
Married 10 years.
My favorite advice given to me 1) When life’s challenges come, remember you are on the same team. Its the two of you against the problem, not the two of you against each other. 2) Decide now to never speak ill of your spouse to other people. 3) Remember that your spouse loves you and wouldn’t knowingly hurt you, so likely the thing you are upset about is simply a misunderstanding. Give each other the benefit of the doubt.
Congrats to the new EC’s. Married 43 years. Would stress again to not share any personal issues outside yourselves. I hear enough man-bashing and complaining at my job to turn my stomach. Take the opportunity to praise your EC in public, it reaffirms that yes, I am sooo blessed to be loved by this amazing person! And then you may have a trial of some kind that completely surprises you that you never expected, like my EC’s cancer diagnosis and subsequent health issues we’ve dealt with the last 25 years. You will get the privilege to truly serve and develop that “Christlike” love for another that will enrich your lives in ways you wouldn’t have dreamed of kneeling across that altar. Best wishes, the “best” will truly come
My wife is a much better loser than I am. We’ve been married 11 years. This is hating on marriage, but advice I love about not always trying to be right and the underlying quality of being selfless and putting your spouses needs before yours.
http://drkellyflanagan.com/2012/03/02/marriage-is-for-losers/
So much great advice!
I was married for 25 years — 21.5 together, 3.5 separated, and now divorced for over 20. BUT — one of the things that was most successful during my marriage was praying to Heavenly Father and asking Him to help me love my husband in the way my husband needed to be loved. When I did that, my heart overflowed with love for him and I acted accordingly.
Marriage in the temple is a covenant — both with your spouse and with the Lord. Always do your best to create a celestial relationship, even if you find that you are alone in doing so. Stuff happens. Always live up to your covenants with your whole heart. You cannot control how someone else values their covenants, but you do have control over how you hold yours.
Heed as much of the advice given here as possible. Do your best, and the Lord will hold you up and sustain you.
On the spiritual side: read the Book of Mormon daily both individually and as a family. Attend church and the temple regularly. Serve faithfully.
On the temporal side: Read and live by “His Needs, Her Needs” by Dr. Harley. Basically, seek out your spouse’s needs and work to meet them. Communicate your own needs and work to get them met.
Overall: continue to work on yourself and your relationship.
PS Married 14 years.
Married 14 years. Our Stake President instructed us to hold hands while we said nightly prayers. You can’t hold hands and pray with someone if you’re mad at them, so we have to work out any issues before nightly prayer.
I have to poke my head back in with another little something that I thought of… We started a tradition a few years ago and I LOVE IT. I highly suggest it to others. Here goes… Go to the temple to do sealings on your anniversary. Some years it won’t be possible (anniversary on a Sunday, or one of you is on the other side of the world, etc) but whenever it is… do it. There just isn’t any good way to describe the joy that comes from that “I was kneeling at an altar in just this same exact way, X-many years ago” feeling, as you look into each other’s eyes. It’s almost like getting to “renew your vows” every single year.
And along with that… go to the temple together as often as you can. We went every Thursday, for the first 6 months we were married, and it made ALL the difference in the start of our forever. We even went while on our honeymoon! (we were the youngest couple in the room, and all the little old husband/wife temple workers just looked at us and smiled their dreamy smiles, remembering their own start in life)
Married 34 years. The best advice I have is to be ‘fiercely loyal’
Good morning.
Congratulations on your wedding and choosing each other.
My 2 pence worth would be to be fully yoked together.
As you go through life together it may be that your responsibilities are similar or may diversify a little.
At first both may be working or studying.
Perhaps it will stay that way.
Perhaps later those roles may change to one being home and one in the work place.
Whatever shape your working and home lives take, be equally yoked.
Share the knowledge of what it takes to keep your family ticking over.
Share how much the bills are, where the money’s going, why it’s important to you to turn down the heat a degree or switch off lights which are not in use!
Share what it takes on a personal and professional level to bring that money to the family.
Share the knowledge of what it takes to keep the home running, what are the daily, weekly, monthly and annual tasks, what it takes on a personal and professional level to keep things running.
Share how do both of you feel about these opportunities and responsibilities.
If for a period of time one could not fulfil their side of the yoke, discuss and plan for how the other would be able to step in and assist.
Share your lives, be open with information and feelings, avoid trying to protect yourself or protect your spouse from how hard life can get at times.
Decide together how to invest your time, talents, energy and any savings you accrue.
Young love is gazing in to each other’s eyes; mature love is standing shoulder to shoulder and facing the world together.
I wish you many happy years.
~
(together 24 years, married 5 years, separated 3 years – both have to want to be happy together).
Married for 29 years and still learning. But here’s my advice:
1. A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, with the same person.
2. Apologizing: does not always mean you are wrong and the other person is right. It just means you value your relationship is more important than your ego.
3. Never talk about or complain about your spouse to anyone. Ever.
4. Marriage is not 50/50. Divorce is 50/50. Marriage is 100/100.
5. Kiss for 15 seconds everyday. Trust me. 🙂
6. Hold hands always.
I’ve been married over 50 years (8 kids) and all I can say is AMEN to the “go to bed angry” people. We used to get in a vicious cycle of exhaustion and anger that only escalated the later it got. The standard advice (that we heard from everyone–even talks in conference) did not work for us. I used to feel guilty about our inability to resolve our problems the “correct” way but I’ve given advice about our method and had positive feedback from many people. We rarely have any disagreements now but most of us are not at our best when we are tired.
Avoid pornography. And know that marriage will not cure you from a problem with porn. If you haven not had a discussion about porn (and any issues) and been totally honest with each other- you need to before marriage.
(married 11 years, divorced 3).
Married for 6 years. Lots of good words of wisdom. Just remember that every once in awhile one of you are going to have a bad day or week. It took us about a year to realize that our worst “fights” happen once a month. As long as it does not involve abuse of any kind, the the other. Throw a fit once in awhile. Sometimes walk away and cool off. Just remember to return to each other.
Married 33 yrs. take time to understand her/his feelings first. Change you first, then most things work out. Remember today and pass along kindnesses. Pray for the comforter to be with each of you daily. Smile.
I’ve been married 41 years. My best advice is to always work at your marriage. It is like anything else that is very worthwhile, it takes effort to make it awesome. Always put the other one first and look at their side of every issue as well as your own.
Humor, and don’t criticize your spouse to others, especially family. Also It’s ok to go to bed angry. You’re tired and hungry or whatever…sometimes the skies are much brighter after a nights rest and what was so irritating the night before is not anymore.
(Married 15 years)
I like this Rach. When I first got married they told me to never go to bed angry. I never found that to be good advice for the very reasons you point out here. I also find the next morning that I feel totally different.
8.9 years (atill sealed) + 27 1/2 years (still cuddling)
Compromise…….Do it her way.
I have been married 24 years this year.
On my wedding day, my Grandpa said to both of us…
“Congratulations! Remember, The first fifty years are the Hardest!”
The best marriage advice I ever received!
Here’s my advice……..
*Remember every day why you fell in love, and why you chose to spend eternity with this person by your side.
*Have your “own” allowance… Money you don’t have to be accountable for to your spouse. $75.00 a month for each of us. Now when I buy a 25$ bottle of shampoo and he buys a 25$ pair of socks…..no pointing fingers.
*Move away from your family ( for some part of your marriage) if you can. This has taught my hubs and I to rely only on each other and figure out our life on our own. This brought us closer together than anything we could have done, I think.
Congrats!
My counsel is this: You will SEE what you look for. My friend gave me the greatest example of this when she shared that she keeps a “gratitude journal” specifically for things she loves or appreciates about her husband. Every night before bed she writes at least one thing he did that day that she loves or appreciated. On hard days, she can go back through and be reminded of ALL the good! What an awesome idea! In the 17 years I’ve been married, I have learned that if I look for things that are annoying or irritating – I can find plenty! If I look for the GOOD and wonderful – that is there to!
There are some fabulous pieces here, I am planning to share many of them with my daughter and her choice before they are sealed Thursday in the Ogden temple.
The two thoughts we began with that served us the best are to pray every day together, and live the way most people won’t, so that eventually you can live the way most people can’t. That was originally our thought as we planned our finances, and it has served us well over the years living on my teacher’s salary, but I like the implications in other aspects of our life together too.
Love this!
Love.
Love God first.
Love one another.
Love yourself.
Charity suffereth long, and is kind……. Just celebrated 24 years!
Keep your arms and legs in the cart and have fun!!!!
https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/moro/7.45?lang=eng#44
Just had my 20th anniversary. Time flies!! I, like some others have commented, don’t know that I have the best advice ever. I know what works for my marriage. However, this article has stuck with me since the day I read it. I don’t ever want to be in the position of regretting making such a big deal about a small thing. Try not to lose sight of the bigger picture. Best of wishes, it’s such an exciting time!!
https://www.lds.org/ensign/2008/09/toothpaste-on-the-mirror?lang=eng
Have been married currently for 30 years, but if you add up the years married to others, it is a total of 67 years to “someone” for both of us!
My one advice is to pick your battles. Only continue to harp on something if it has eternal consequences. It the issue doesn’t affect your eternal life, let it go.
Approach differences from the “I” point of view, such as “that issue makes me feel xxxxxxx” “I really need your help”, etc. Never accusatory “you did xxxxx” or “you never xxxxx”. Accept what you can’t change in an “it is what it is” attitude. As you get into your senior years there will be a lot you can’t change especially in the health category. Just have to accept things and move on or adjust.
Communicate! Talk about everything! Be willing to get hurt, but do your best not to be hurtful. Be open and honest about your feelings. NO ONE CAN READ YOUR MIND! Not even your eternal companion…
Let the Spirit mediate. As long as your common goal is a loving, lasting marriage, you’ll be grand!
22 years and counting
~When money is tight, one rose says ‘I love you’ just as much as a dozen (aka don’t buy into all the ‘shoulds’ – pun intended).
~Understand and speak their love language (check the library for a copy).
~Get a copy of “It’s Just My Nature” and/or “The Child Whisperer” by Carol Tuttle and read it asap!
~Remember you’re on the same team.
~Focus on why you got married to begin with and not on the realities you learn after the fact.
~A sense of humor is critical.
Congrats and Best Wishes
I’ve been married for 11 years. A few thoughts:
1. At our house, you can’t kick your spouse out to the couch for the night. If you’re so upset, YOU have to go sleep there. In 11 years, we’ve probably spent about one and a half combined nights on the couch.
2. When it comes to little things, like the hair my wife leaves behind in the shower drain (or the toilet seat, or the . . .), there are two basic options. Option one is to nag your spouse until they finally develop a new habit. This will likely take years of nagging, and then they’ll have a bad attitude every single time they fish that hair out the drain. The other option is to never mention it; they remain blissfully ignorant of it, and each and every time I pick up that soggy pile of hair from the drain, I remember that I love my wife. It is far less work to do something nice than it is to “train” your spouse over things that are totally inconsequential.
3. All this advice is from people sharing what works for them. Don’t get hung up on what works for them. There are many great ideas listed on here, but in the end, what works for the two of you is far more important.
Hold hands whenever you can!!! My guy and I have been married 26 years and hold hands all the time. We were counting hand-holding couples once while we were out on a date (which often includes grocery shopping!). In the whole evening, we only saw one other married couple holding hands – there were a few teenage couples though. And sure there are years when you’re lugging the carseat and diaper bag around, or holding the toddlers hands instead of your spouses, but those years pass. It’s just a sweet way to connect with your EC. And don’t we all love seeing that really elderly couple still holding hands? Cutest thing ever!!!
Last one: you go into your marriage with your eyes half open, continue throughout it with your eyes half shut.
Read Venus on Fire, Mars on Ice. Lots I never even considered. Married 30 years.
I’ve been married nearly 23 years. My first bit of advice is never compare your abilities to your spouse (patience, unconditional love, ability to forgive) only compare your abilities to the Savior…this helps you realize that you can only change yourself and you have a long way to go.
My 2nd bit of advice is totally serious. 2 tubes of toothpaste. If you’re a middle squeezer and he’s a bottom speeze…of the tube squeezer you won’t need to fight about toothpaste. This reminds me that we don’t need to change our spouse and to strive to eliminate and recognize any little thing you may fight about. Or as someone cool said, “don’t major in minors”.Sometimes the little things will destroy a marriage before a bigger issue.
Congrats!
1. A sense of humor is really important, use it don’t lose it.
2. Pay your tithing and always have a current temple recommend…use it.
3. Most of the stuff we think is a a big deal and important just isn’t and definitely not worth hurt feelings or conflict to score points. Don’t waste your time on stuff like that.
4. “Sorry” is a golden word, use it.
5. Pray together and laugh a lot.
First and foremost Congratulations!
I know that you both probably feel like you won the lottery or hit the biggest and best home run ever and that is because you did! Think about it you found the one person that is just for you, your other half and your about to start the most amazing worthwhile and rewarding journey ever! So awesome!
Advice? With MMM as a parent it’s hard to imagine what advice hasn’t already been thrown your way…
Always try to remember the basics, be nice, be humble, be forgiving, things won’t always be roses but that’s okay. Communicate, and not just verbally, do nice things for each other, every once in a while surprise each other, bring home a rose, write a note, bake him those cookies he loves, whatever just do nice things for each other.
You have the foundation which is love and it can grow and grow and it just never stops growing. Honestly I can tell you that it just gets better and better, marriage as it progresses gets better, I know that probably sounds weird and might be hard to understand, or sounds like a cliche but I’m telling you it does, you’ll see.
I wish I had more wisdom to share, just remember to communicate in every way, remember that your not perfect no one is so if you mess up just admit it, talk about it and move forward, and forgive…Love is beautiful, very happy for you both!
Happily married for 17 glorious years and counting 🙂
My husband and I just celebrated our 40th anniversary….It seems like just a minute ago we were looking at things from the other end. All I can say is that 40 years is not nearly enough. My advice “pay attention”. Both of you. Bad things happen when you are not paying attention…to your spouse, to your marriage, to your testimony.
My college ward bishop gave me this advice: Never feed your husband out of a can….well, that piece of advice proved to be unhelpful.
One quick note, I have never taken my marriage for granted and every single day I am grateful that we found each other and had the good sense to make it forever but very recently Heavenly Father thought I needed a reminder of how very precious my husband is to me. He was in a boating accident in Alaska and fell into the ocean. The water was 40 degrees and it took 20 terrifying minutes for my son-in-law to get him to shore and into an ambulance. The realization that I might have to go on here on earth without him was truly terrifying. I am so very grateful for the powers of heaven and the plan of salvation and my knowledge of eternal marriage. Never, never, never take each other for granted.
So much advice at never go to bed angry or the opposite. Uncle Larry is a work it out with thoughtfulness, mine is get to the root of the problem now. You may find you are different in ways like that. By the same token, it takes him a long time to get over things and I’m over them instantly. Just remember no one of your family or friends are more important than your eternal companion. You are starting it right, just don’t let Satan cloud your perspective. Adversity can cloud things at times, just remember eternity is forever but Adversity isn’t. We’ve been 43 years on this path. The best years have been the ones we’ve been able to attend the temple often. We love you guys.
Married 20 years, Don’t expect your husband to be as mature as your Dad, it took a long time for your Dad to get that way. If you want him to do something it helps to tell him, he can’t read your mind. Say something nice to each other every day( harder than it sounds when you are sleep deprived and busy with kids). Also pray together and attend the temple regularly. That way you will at least have a date night you can afford. Congrats to you and remember you have eternity to grow up together.
Married for 18 years…14 together and 4 on opposite sides of the veil. For what it’s worth from someone you don’t know, here’s my advice:
1) Don’t take each other for granted – you never know how long you have. Learn not to sweat the small stuff (and most of it is small stuff if you have an eternal perspective).
2) Make living the gospel a top priority, and always support each other in your callings.
3) Pray together every day and go to the temple together regularly.
4) Don’t fall victim to the Grapefruit Syndrome. If you don’t know what that is, you can read about it in the Ensign – excellent advice about not looking for faults. https://www.lds.org/ensign/2011/01/the-grapefruit-syndrome?lang=eng
5) Laugh together and be affectionate.
6) Whenever possible, go to bed at the same time – pillow talk should be one of the best parts of your day.
7) Tell each other “thank you” and “I love you” often – feeling loved and appreciated goes a long way towards having a good marriage.
Congrats and good luck! 🙂
I offer the following counsel which I’ve gained from my own 24+ years of marriage experience plus the 5 years of counseling I found myself giving as a Bishop when I was, to my thinking, way too young (still in my 20’s) to be offering marriage counsel to couples who had children my age.
1. Lasting, enriching and healthy marriages are built on the ability to communicate… about anything, particularly the difficult and uncomfortable stuff. I’ve often used this analogy: Imagine that you realize you’ve mistakenly thrown something of great value away in the kitchen garbage, which is full to the top. You don’t know how far down in that wet, smelly and yucky garbage it is but you care about it enough that you’re willing to do what it takes to find it. So much so, in fact, that you dump the whole bag out on the floor or the table and go through it, piece by piece, trying to find what you threw away by accident. You have to feel the same way about your marriage relationship – no matter what it takes, you’re willing to go through even the yuckiest of stuff to save it. You have to have the communication skills and the patience to sift through all that trash to find the thing you are seeking: the love upon which your relationship is built. You might not find it right away and it make take multiple trips through it all, but you have to be able to communicate love, trust and patience while you sort through the garbage if you’re ever going to find the thing you prize. If you’re anything like my wife and I, you’ll find that you throw valuable things away more than once by mistake and therefore end up having to sift through the garbage time and time again. Thankfully, with time, determination and prayer, communication skills improve and we’re able to find the valuable things quicker and without so much garbage sifting.
2. Others have said this but it bears repeating: NO ONE should ever hear you complain about your spouse. There is no worth in this. If you want to be married to the most wonderful spouse in the world, tell yourself you are. Repeatedly. Again and again and again until you believe it and treat them accordingly. My wife is The Best and I truly believe she is. She is the The Best Wife for me and more than I deserve. If I tell her she’s the best and treat her as if she’s the best, I think we’re both much happier and act accordingly.
3. Remember that Heavenly Father wants all of his children to come home to him and He treats us much better than any one of us deserves. He treats us as if our potential is intact, not where we are at a given time. He expects the same of parents in dealing with their children, which He sent to them. But there is a special responsibility in this regard to spouses. God choses which children to send to parents but we choose our spouses. In so doing, we willingly take upon ourselves the responsibility that God initially gave to the parents – to treat His children the way He would by loving them and treating them better than they deserve – with their potential intact, in other words. When you chose to enter into a marriage covenant, you are willingly taking upon yourself the primary responsibility for treating that individual with the same love, respect and care that God expected of their parents and which He now expects of you. He wants you to treat them the way He would have them treated – always. That’s really hard to do but I’m glad I have eternity with my wife to figure how to do it really, really well.
As marriage is a three-way partnership, the most important thing in our relationship is THE MARRIAGE – not me, not him, but US. “Choose your love, then love your choice.” Put your love first (well, not above Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, nor above your own salvation, but above your selfishness). Remember that love is a verb, a doing word. Good idea to discover your spouse’s personal ‘language of love’. It can circumvent much misunderstanding. He/she may be “loving” you in the most intense way by doing thing for you, but if your “language” is in how you speak and the endearments you utter, then you may not recognise the effort and the love being expressed. (There’s a good book entitled The Five Languages of Love)
On the other side, my first marriage (which I really persevered with and did not voluntarily end) was filled with sarcastic humour, usually directed at me. Humour has its place, but put-downs, whether public or in private, have no place in any relationship First time lasted 21 L O N G years, this time round 33 years is coming up next month,, and it seems like a heartbeat. Sorry, but I have the bestest marriage and EC!
All the best for an eternity of love and growing together!
I’ve been married for about 8 years. The thing that has helped me the most in the tough times is remembering that when we are sealed in the temple we make covenants with the Lord. We don’t make covenants with each other. When I’ve chosen to keep my covenants I’ve been blessed.
That is such a key point! Thank you so much for making it.
There ain’t no way I’m gonna read through all these comments right now (I have a Super Bowl party to get to, I’ll come back and read tomorrow when I have time).
Same advice I give at every wedding, every couple, every.single.time.
“When you fight, fight naked. It’s harder to stay mad when you’re busy laughing”
Maybe someone has already posted this, whatev’s that’s my advice.
Oh and “Pick your battles. Very few things are worth a fight”
I believe we understand why you and Viki are friends 😉
If you want to be treated like a queen, treat him like a king. If you want to be treated like a servant, treat him like a master.
Good one…!
Will be 14 years in March. We’ve been through the wringer in that short time and are still solid! I had no idea the depth of love I could have for another human being.
When we started dating I had a very tattered heart and huge thick protective walls around it. He was so patient and kind about the turtle speed with which I slowly let those walls fall. It made me love him SO MUCH MORE! Patience with, and on, everyone’s part is a gift!!
We don’t live near a temple, so we could only make it monthly before kids came. It was so strengthening during those pre-kid glory years. Go as often as you can now.
Go to bed mad. More often than not a night of sleep adjusts perspective and it turns out NOT important or much less important. Rational discussion is much easier when well rested.
People don’t often change in huge personality ways (barring outside influences/addiction). Don’t have changing them in the plans.
We can’t read each other’s mind. Don’t expect it to ever happen accurately. A simple ‘I would like to _____’ or ‘Can you do _______ by this time’ or ‘What do you think about ______?’ will save so much time, money, and angst.
There will be things so important to the other person that you just don’t get. You never have to get it, just accept the value they place on it and move on, especially if it’s not an important thing in your world.
I don’t have the link, but I bet MMM could find it. The talk from Conference that said to be *fiercely loyal* to each other took root in my heart in such a real way!! It’s my marriage motto. Never speak ill of each other to anyone not even in a joking way. Ever.
Identify the things from childhood that illicit knee jerk reactions and don’t do it. My MIL was an intense nagger. I had to make sure to frame all requests in a way that wouldn’t be preceived as nagging or need a reminder later. When she chewed me up one time for, “Not making him do it” (fulfill her dream for him). I strengthened my resolve to never sound like a nagging mother. I was a spouse. He avoids my childhood trigger points too.
Mad money to spend with no expaination required is so important.
Debt is horrible. Avoid at all costs, even college if you can.
The best kept secret in the church is how absolutely SUFFOCATINGLY intense the birth to school years are. They’re amazing and hard. Fight to not lose yourselves, your identity, or relationship strength during those years. Soak in the experience of newbornhood the best you can through the exhausted fog. It’s so much harder than anyone let’s on. Get a calendar and write down all the hilarious things that the kids say and do. Going back and reading later helps keep sanity intact.
With each new addition there’s a HUGE learning curve to figuring out how to do life with one more. Be patient and kind with yourselves as you figure that curve out. For real. Too often we get frustrated with ourselves because we already have X number of children and we should know how to do this better. But we’ve never had the new number of children and it just takes time to figure how to do it effectively with the new number. You’ll get it figured out with time.
Be unified. Don’t let the kids divide and conquer you. They will figure out how to start trying to do it shockingly young. “Mom and Dad agree with each other” is a powerful front in a kid’s world.
My fabulous husband, a man of few words, says,
“No one’s perfect. Just find someone who’s imperfections don’t bother you that much.”
When I’m beating myself up for being a lousy wife this always calms my soul so I can sit back and get to the root of my problem without emotion clouding my thoughts.
Marriage really is as great as all the cheesy cards say!!!
Married 19 years. Know that you will both change, but you may not change at the same pace or in the same way. Be sure to support each other through all your changes.
I’d also recommend listening to “How Do I Change My Husband” by Merrilee Browne Boyack.
I love so many of these comments! I have been married for nearly 17 years. Some of those years have been very difficult. For me the most important advice is to keep a close relationship with the Lord. Use forbearance. Forgive easily, and if you can’t forgive easily, pray that you will be able to forgive. If you are angry with your partner, complain to no one until you talk to Heavenly Father. After you talk to Him, you can have a better perspective and understanding and you will be able to know if and how you should talk to your spouse about your grievance. Respect your spouse’s agency, even if they are doing something painful. Do not try to force, manipulate, or control. Use compassion, communication, gentle persuasion, testimony and ample prayer to try to change their heart. Until that happens, allow the Lord to change your heart.
I love this. Thank you for sharing. So much truth.
Beautiful!
My 2¢. This is coming from someone who had been married for 11 years (almost 12) and divorced once.
1. Make sure you love your partner for who they are, right now. Not what you think you can make them become.
2. Always nurture you own relationship to Heavenly Father so that if tough times come, you can turn to Him for guidance and direction.
3. Listen to the council of the prophets. President Hinckley said, “Have a willingness to overlook weaknesses and mistakes.” and Ezra Taft Benson added, “The purpose of marriage is to serve God and each other.”
Finally, I have learned that as long as you strive, individually, as well as through your union, to keep yourself aligned with Heavenly Father, no matter what comes, you can have the guidance you need to help you through.
The BIG THREE (or 5 depending on how you see it)
1. Study scriptures daily (personal & family)
2. Pray morning & night (personal & family)
3. Attend weekly church meetings and worthily partake of the Sacrament.
Married 34 years. Remember to have fun, even during the inevitable hard times. It helps to have something good to remind you that the hard times don’t last forever, and that there are still good things to come.
I have been married for 17 years. The best advice I’ve been given and that I usually give is thusly (and my be repeats of what everyone else has said):
1. Communicate about everything. Finances, children, sex, spiritual matters, extended family, sex, expectations (side note: don’t have expectations. Communicate and then there are no longer expectations but promises and discussions), sex, goals and plans, sex, and sex. Intimacy is vastly important and probably the most vulnerable thing to talk about. But since neither one of you will be mind readers (weird, right?), you need to discuss those things that make you vulnerable while at the same time make you a stronger unit.
2. Go on a weekly date. It doesn’t have to be fancy –just plan some time together apart from your day-to-days and future kids. For example, my husband and I love to go out to dinner once a week just so we can talk without interruptions from the kids (we have seven). Sometimes our dates include museums or the movies, but dinner is our favorite because we can talk for hours while eating something yummy. 🙂
3. Go away for your anniversary every year. I would suggest a 5-10 day vacation, but sometimes, especially when you have young children, an overnighter is all you are able to work out. But do it! Get away from work, family, responsibilities, and your house. Go to a place where you can spend some good quality time together, make memories, and remember why you love each other so darn much! My husband and I are not rich people, but we have always made going away together a priority. Sometimes it’s a quick over-night in a neighboring city. Sometimes, it’s a 2 week trip to another country. The point isn’t where you go or how long, or even if it’s near or on your anniversary –just that you go and spend that time together!
4. When you get into an argument with your spouse, don’t call your mother (or father) to complain about it. Don’t call your sister or your brother or your BFF. Because those people won’t be there when you and your spouse make up and they’ll only remember the bad things. Which brings me to the next piece of advice…
5. Be FIERCELY loyal to your spouse. Fiercely! Do not speak badly about your spouse to other people –even when you feel their behavior may warrant it. Never put them down publicly, even as a joke. Don’t do anything to purposefully embarrass them! Defend your spouse. Fight for them. Pray for them every single day.
6. Go to bed angry! People have said not to go to bed angry at night, but sometimes, the both of you just need a good night’s sleep to calm hurt feelings and produce some perspective. In the morning, you’ll be able to handle the difficult discussions.
7. Pray together everyday. Put God first in your lives –as long as you are both seeking Christ, you’ll find a way to seek each other, too.
8. Kiss each other hello and goodbye every day. Do your best to seek one another out when you’ve been apart and show that affection for each other.
9. Say, “I love you” every day!
10. (Last one, I promise). The Temple sealer at our wedding told us to always remember the #6:
6 = I admit I made a mistake
5 = You did a great job
4 = What is your opinion?
3 = I love you
2 = Thank you
1 = Us (or We)
Congratulations!! May God bless your marriage. 🙂
I have only been married for 4.5 years, but maybe because I am closer to the newlywed stage my advice is still worth something.
1. Read scriptures and pray together every day. We really have struggled more when we let those things slack off a little bit.
2. Understand each other’s communication styles and preferences. The 5 Love Languages is part of this, but there is so much more nuance in a person’s individual communication. For example I have learned that in a disagreement I want to hash things out before doing anything else, while my husband likes to take his time to process things before resolving them together, and so we both have had to adjust and allow the other one their way of dealing with conflict at times.
3. Do things to make the other person feel special regularly. It doesn’t have to be big things, sometimes just an unexpected text or note, but just something to remind each other that you love each other and are thinking of each other.
Always remeber the three C’s of marriage: Communicate, Conpromise, and Cuddle.
Put this one away for awhile, because it won’t become critical during the first years of bliss:
Remember that eternity may start in the distant future or some time late tomorrow afternoon. That being the case, it’s best to live as though you’re already in it–because you are. Accordingly, strive for a perspective that puts the trials of mortality into an eternal perspective: most of the stuff that we find annoying within marriage (or any relationship) is going to look ridiculously trivial once we make the crossing into our next estate. If we get into the habit as treating it as simply a challenge to be mastered, rather than an existential threat, we’ll be far better able to handle it. That’s what 44 years of marriage has helped me learn–I hope you’ll get there much more quickly than I did!
The only constant is change, fall in love with or have compassion for who they are now, every day.
Learn to accept and even love whatever moment you are in, even the uncomfortable ones, it is all part of the beautiful mess that weaves the colorful tapestry of life experience.
Every one comes with baggage, it’s your responsibility to unpack your own bags, they do not magically disappear and the other person can’t take them away from you or unpack them for you. Premarital counseling is priceless.
Someone above mentioned responding to “bids for connection”, that concept comes from John Gottman of The Gottman Institute, the foremost expert on relationships, there is a bevy of relationship wisdom on the blog https://www.gottman.com/blog/
Married 15 years with 4.5 children. 🙂
Patience.
Patience with him/patience with her.
Patience with YOURSELF.
Patience with your eventual children.
Patience in ALL things.
Neither of you is perfect, nor will life be, but with patience…you can work toward attaining that goal and tackle any and all challenges TOGETHER.
11 years. 🙂
I have two. The first came from Uncle Don. He told us to ‘always live below your means’. This has been awesome for us, we’ve used it to stay financially sound. The next comes from painful personal experience. Always communicate!!!! Talk to each other no matter the situation. It would have saved S and I a years worth of heartache. Thankfully we celebrate 20 years in April. I love you guys and am so happy for you Alex!!
If both will be committed to working hard at making it work, there is almost nothing that can break it, especially if the Lord is your ally.
To make it easier, remember to let the Wookie win. What that means if that is one of you cares a lot about a subject, and the other doesn’t, it usually works best to let that person get their way. But you should try not to be the Wookie, and never pretend to be the Wookie.
Married 16.5 years.
After 42 years of marriage and five kids I think it’s important to keep in communication and mend what is in danger to break. As with the weather there will in a marriage not always be sunshine, but also storm and thunder (that was mainly my part), but afterwards we found a way to be back together.
Be busy with forgiving and caring for the other, respect each other and pray and study together. Keep courting as you did before your wedding.
With that it should work! I wish you all the best and a lot of joy in your big adventure. And after some decades let young people participate in your successful experiences.
Best regards from Germany
Helmut
Marry your best friend & continually treat as your best friend, 40 years & counting thru to eternity…
We’ve been married for almost 21 years. Marriage is yoking two people together. Sometimes one of you will be stronger and pull harder, and sometimes the other spouse will be able to continue when you falter. Understanding that each of you will stumble at times, but as long as you continue moving toward the Lord, eventually you will both get there.
When the bills and babies come along, remember that first you are husband and wife. Make it a sacred priority to spend private time together at once a week. (Gee, Friday night date night? ?) You don’t want to look back on your marriage years down the road and realize you stopped growing together.
Married – never. But I have a lot of divorced friends. Myself, I haven’t yet found the man who can handle all the happiness I’d bring to his life.
I have been married for 30 years. I have found that to forgive and forget is one of the best things I can do, not only for my marriage but for my life in general!!
I have been married 32 years and counting. We have always been permitted to make our own decisions unless we asked for advice from our parents. (No, this is NOT a hint to you) so I would say, make your
business YOUR business and don’t pay attention to advice others give you unless it is someone you trust and have asked them for it. Best to both of them! My son is getting sealed on March 9 to a sweet girl and we are super excited too.
Love this.
Good stuff here- things I’m going to try. We’ve been married 14.5 years and 5 kids, and we’re definitely not pros, but a few things have helped:
1) My dad gave me a homework assignment when my husband asked for my hand- he asked me to write him (my dad) a letter about how I knew my fiancee was the right one for me. This, I think was partly for him, as he was in Virginia and we were at BYU Provo and my parents would not meet him until Wednesday evening before a Friday mid-day wedding (and this was before Skype…); but mostly it was for me. There will probably be times when you each wonder “What have I gotten myself into?! Why did I marry him/her?” and will need to be reminded of the reasons and the confirmation you received and this will give you that.
2) My mom told me that, barring abuse, not to complain about or “tell on” your spouse to anyone, but especially not to her. She said, wisely, that the two of us will make up and move on, but that she would not have that opportunity and may continue to feel negatively toward him, adversely influencing me against him (not necessarily even consciously) as the ‘slights’ (from her perspective) mount over the years.
3) The VTing message for February brings up a concept that I learned in my LDS Marriage and Family class years ago at BYU (great class! If you can’t take it, just get the book- mostly copies of talks): marriage is a triangle. The Lord is at the top, you and your spouse are the other two corners. As you move toward the Lord, you will move toward each other.
4) From Conference- remember that you don’t marry perfection, you marry potential. Right now, you might think he/she is perfect, but you’ll quickly find they are not. My husband and I like to say that we’re not perfect, but we’re perfect for each other.
We’ve been married for 24 years. I have four pieces of advice: 1) Make your goal in your marriage to make your spouse happy – when you are both trying to make the other person happy you both will be. 2) Be united against the world, the kids, your parents, etc – we always told our kids that they will never come between us or pit us against each other. 3) Love spending time together – make sure that spending time with your spouse is your favorite thing to do no matter what you do together. 4) Most importantly – Make sure that God is a partner in your marriage.
28 years in April. I think my favorite is ‘For better or worse, but not for granted.’ 🙂
I’m trying to cut back on my online presence on the sabbath, so here is a link to my best advice:
http://www.jojobjerga.com/kind-of-proud/
Congratulations on the upcoming wedding, and all the best for the adventure to come!
Married almost 20 years, 7 kids. My advice is never belittle your spouse in front of others. I say this mostly to the wife, because in my experience women do this a lot. Just don’t. Also, go to bed angry. The later it gets at night, the more tired you are and the more angry you get. A night of sleep always gives perspective.
I know it contradicts the old advice, including some here, but go to bed angry. You might have trouble going to sleep, you may cry into your pillow, you may have to bury your face in your scriptures, but one way or another, get to sleep. In the morning you will more than likely discover that the enemy was fatigue, not your spouse, and with some sleep under your belt, the problem that seemed insurmountable the night before is quite small by morning light.
Live beneath your means. Poverty puts less stress on a relationship than debt.
Touch each other often–kiss hello and goodbye, grab your spouse’s hand when you’re sitting next to them on the couch, put a hand on their leg or around their shoulder when you’re sitting together anywhere, grab their bum while they’re doing the dishes. Consistent affection makes it more difficult to feel unappreciated, and many marital conflicts can be avoided if both parties feel appreciated.
Married a hair under 13 years.
Married 22 years. Marriage will never be 50/50. Decide early on what annoying habits you can live with. At some point one of you will spontaneously pass gas while watching TV. Don’t make a big deal about it. Everyone poots, and burps. Your spouse isn’t always your best friend because they are frankly annoying. Tell them you love them everyday, even in the days you don’t really like them. Most importantly get up, get dressed, and go to church. I promise you will always be blessed. Congratulations!
We are on approach to 25 years. In that time one thing that has always made that time the best of times is this: being married is not for ‘you’. It is not for ‘us’. To make it a marriage that lasts and is cherished, realize it is all about your spouse. Put that person first. Serve them. If they don’t reward you in kind, I will be suprised and saddened for you.
My wife and I have been married just over 20 years now, and if I could give any advice it would be to be united on the big things, and talk about them before you get married if possible. Things such as: When and how many children to have, finishing college, working and / or staying home, how to handle finances, how to handle holidays with extended family, church attendance, temple attendance, tithing, etc.
Twenty years, even thought I’m not that old.
Two things. First, understand that “happily ever after” does not magically happen. You make a choice every minute of every day to create it. You choose how to speak, how to respond, how to work things through. I’ve seen tons of young marrieds disillusioned because they thought they were just going to be happy with no effort of their own. Doesn’t work that way. It is a choice you make purposely and consciously.
Second, Satan doesn’t want you to succeed, and you’ll find yourself being tempted to fly off the handle over silly things. Don’t give in to those temptations. Invite the Spirit to guide you in how to react. Ask the Lord to pull the anger out of your heart before you speak.
You measure what you value by what you sacrifice. I waited a long time for marriage because I wanted to have an eternal marriage and to be married to my best friend. We’ve been married for 2 1/2 years now, and it’s been so worth the 20-year wait.
All of those little daily choices add up to something grand, where you learn for yourself the deep significance and worth you have invested by choosing.
Marriage is like living in California. When you find a fault, don’t dwell on it.
My advice is the advice received from my father-in-law before our marriage 30.5 years ago: Whoever gets out of bed last makes the bed.
Simple advice that motivates and results in a variety of good behaviors and attitudes. 🙂
For 20 years I was critical and nagged about the things that I “knew” I knew better than him. When I quit doing that and just loved him we finally had the marriage I dreamed about. Just celebrated 24 years in December.
Remember that marriage is never 50/50. Both of you give all you have to give and when things get tough (and they will), dig deeper and give a little more. (Married 41 years next month.)
25 years. The best advice we’ve ever followed was to give each other an “allowance.” When we were young and poor we budgeted $5 or $10 from each paycheck for each of us to have our own money, to spend however we each want. I saved my allowance to buy a new bike I really wanted (it took a few years). It was important to me, but doing it this way didn’t create resentment in her heart and it didn’t put a strain on the family budget. She spends her allowance on craft supplies that are important to her, and I don’t say stupid things about things important to her, because it’s her money to spend however she wants.
Now that we are older and a little less poor, we still do this. The allowance is bigger. Money has always been tight – that’s not the blessing God has given us. But we have never argued about money. Not once. And it has been a great strength to our marriage.
I don’t remember who gave us the advice… maybe we read it somewhere. Whoever gave it to us… Thank. You.
Married for 6 kids… err I mean Married 16 years. The two best pieces of advise I’ve ever gotten are:
1. Don’t complain about anything unless *YOU* are willing to do something about it. If it’s not important enough or your are too lazy to do it then just be grateful for what was done.
2. Never, ever, ever complain about your spouse to a member of the opposite sex; for that matter don’t complain about your spouse period. Feed the right wolf.
“Feed the right wolf.” I like that.
Yeah, wonder where I got that from 🙂
Missed you at RootsTech
Still waiting for you to wrangle me an invite…
First of all, congratulations to Alex and Madi. You’re in for a great adventure. To Alex, just remember, you can be right, or you can be happy! When my EC and I were married 28 years ago, our Bishop sat us down and said, “Debra, you are the wife, the gentle one, you should submit to your husband. As such, you are going to responsible for making all the little decisions. Howard, as the husband and leader of your new family, you are responsible for all the big, important decisions. So Debra, you will decide where you live, what kind of car you drive, and what he does for a living. Howard, you get to decide who should be President.”
Ha!
Married 40 years. I’ve heard it said “never go to bed angry”. I disagree. Sometimes it’s better to go to bed, because in my case it kept me from saying something I would regret even more. I won’t tell you the quality of sleep will be restful, and I found that I usually needed to apologize and ask forgiveness. It meant I hadn’t made the disagreement much, much worse. For that I am grateful.
I’ve been married 21 years and I agree with Gary. Sometimes it’s better to sleep on it and have a better perspective in the morning. That being said, the best advice I’ve heard is: “A good marriage is what’s best for the people in it.”
I also know that regular temple attendance blesses the person, the marriage and the family more than anything else I’ve found.
I agree: It’s better to go to bed angry than to say something you’ll regret in the morning. (married 13 years)
I got to lead an enrichment discussion on this once. Here were the “rules” I came up with. I’ve been married for 10 years now and couldn’t love my husband more (<—- I say that all the time, and yet, I love him more every day!)! This is just the Cliff's Notes version, but hopefully it all makes sense…
-Express love in ways that are meaningful to the other person; encourage (but don't demand!) them to do the same for you (this tied in to that book about the five love languages)
*Never use sex as a weapon or as a means for manipulation
-Make the other person feel safe
-Read scriptures and pray together
-Apologize. Repent. Forgive and forget.
*Christ forgave Peter before he even denied him
-NEVER keep score– the atonement isn't about keeping score, life isn't about keeping score, relationships certainly aren't about keeping score
-Don't expect people to read your mind
Important Corollary: Don't think you can read your spouse's mind, either!
-Get angry at situations, not at each other (but whenever possible, try to just not get angry at all)
(And P.S. it's okay to go to bed angry every now and then– sleep it off!)
-Be the other person's best cheerleader
-Have your husband teach high school– it will make you seem way less annoying and immature by comparison!
I’m glad you mentioned the Languages of Love book. It used to make me sad that my husband would buy my valentine’s day roses at the grocery store on his way home from work. The only reason he remembered at all was that his staff would receive flowers at the office from their husbands! Last yr I found that book in my daughter’s bookcase while visiting. I finally (after 40 yrs) realized that my husband shows love through service. So that explains why, after an arguement, he would start working on chores. He was showing me he loves me. That also explains why, when I spent 2013 fighting cancer, he came to all my appointments, took over all housework, and insisted on bringing me breakfast in bed before he went to work, even after I told him I could get down the stairs. He said he wanted to.
Bless the man-he’s a far better person than I am.
“Don’t expect people to read your mind”
After almost 39 years we still remind each other from time to time “I haven’t quite got that mind-reading thing down yet.” We figure that if Moroni could do it with Joseph Smith about the location of the Gold Plates we could eventually do it too, although it may not be perfected until we reach the other side.
Bob Durtschi
First of all.. congrats! Such an exciting time! My husband and I are celebrating our 10 year anniversary this month 🙂 My advice is to talk about your wedding day a lot. Might sound weird but our sealer told us that as we got older we would realize even more the importance and joy of what we were doing on our wedding day. It’s true! There is excitement sure but what you are doing is so important!! Talking about it with each other helps you remember how wonderful it was and your kids will be blessed to hear about it too!
Update to ‘go to bed angry’ comment: my husband adds that if you cannot resolve an issue at night either because of exhaustion, time limitations, etc. just make sure you establish a follow-up time to communicate and continue the discussion. That way it’s not awkward to bring it up again or be the one to re-open the topic and it doesn’t fester and become more of an issue than it already was.
First, congrats to the happy pair. I’ve been married for 6 1/2 years. I have a great example from my parents on what a successful marriage should look like. I imagine Alex has a similar experience from you and your EC. The number one thing I’ve tried to keep as a main focus is to ask myself one question every day: what can I do to make my husband’s day better? It might be as simple as making sure his lunch is packed for the next day or shoveling the snow so he doesn’t have to when he gets home from work. I know that if my thoughts are on serving the person I love most in this world, my day is also better. I’m not always successful. I’m usually the grouchy-pants around here, which includes some complaining, but I keep trying.
We also make time for snuggling. It’s usually just before bed, sometimes earlier if I can pry him away from whatever he’s doing. We find a comfortable spot on the couch, wrapped in each other’s arms. Sometimes we talk, sometimes we just close our eyes and relax. It’s intimacy in a different way. I love being close to him.
Always argue in the nude.
Thanks Viki Bailey!
BAHAHAHAHAAAAA V busted
I was humming along just reading and thinking the advice ranged from somewhat trite and cute to profound and wise. And then I burst out laughing. Great way to start my Monday.
Take turns freaking out, because when you both freak out at the same time nothing good happens.
I thank Heaven that my husband doesn’t freak out pretty much ever… because I do enough of it for both of us.
First off, I’ve been married 7 years. Something that my husband’s family was good at, but mine struggled, was daily family scripture study and prayer. He took his priesthood responsibility seriously and we began having scripture study with just the two of us right after we were married. Three kids later and family scripture study has gone from a chapter or more a night to just a few verses, but we still often share things in our personal study with each other during the day or right before falling asleep. I feel like it set a great tone in our marriage right from the first week!
Congratulations! Marriage is just as hard as everyone says, but it’s even better than I imagined.
This is such a cool idea! My husband and I have just celebrated our 5th anniversary! The one thing that I think has been instrumental in the success of our marriage has been weekly planning. We took the weekly planning from Preach My Gospel and tweaked it to suit us personally and the situation of a married couple from that of missionary companions. I love it because every week we have a safe place to air grievances instead of trying to address major conflicts in the heat of the moment. We also discuss budget, schedule, couple, family and individual goals. All in all it helps keep is on the same page in all things that have potential to bring contention to our marriage. Congratulations to you and yours and good luck!!
I second this one. We have family council on Sunday nights (sitting up in bed, each with our own computer) so we get our individual schedules sorted out, date night planned, menus planned, temple nights on the calendar, look at our financial picture and plan ahead for upcoming expenses, discuss any issues, vacations, goals, etc. We also use this time to record our volunteer miles for the week (for tax purposes) and any other things that need to be recorded regularly. It is so helpful to keep us on the same page. I highly recommend a shared electronic calendar; it has saved us! We each have our own calendars for personal and work-related activities, and others for menu, Church, home, family, etc. We also have a shared electronic shopping list that we can each add to and/or shop from. Apps I recommend include Tick-tick (for chores) and Mint (for finances). We’ve been married almost five years.
9 years married, so no expert, but I’ll share one of the most helpful pieces of advice I ever got about marriage. If you go into marriage expecting it to be a fully 50-50 relationship you’re going to be frustrated. So many things come up in marriage like illness, school, pregnancy, church callings, etc. that there will be times over and over that one spouse may have to carry more of the burdens of house, work, or children, etc. and there may be times that giving 2% of the whole is one spouse’s 100%. Just give your 100% to your marriage and family, whatever that may be and rely on the enabling power of the Atonement to carry you through those rough times.
This one I heard from a religion teacher, and while it sounds hard to accept at first, I’ve thought about it many different times and I think there is a solid grain of truth here. If you’re really irritated that he always leaves his cereal bowls on the counter without rinsing the milk, or it drives you crazy that she takes up most of the closet space, the teacher said “you’re the one with the problem.” I don’t think that means you shouldn’t ever try to resolve differences in marriage, but I do agree that if you’re constantly irritated and angry about something, especially over the little things that so often come up in a marriage, your anger is often more of a problem than whatever you’re frustrated about. If it bothered them, they wouldn’t do it. Be willing to let some things go, and take responsibility for your own emotions about differences in marriage.
As far as the ever-present advice about ‘don’t go to bed angry’ – it’s sound, but it should not be a hard rule for every situation and every couple. If you know you’re going to be sleepless all night stewing about something frustrating and really be angry in the morning, then probably don’t go to bed angry. If you’re exhausted at the end of the day, it doesn’t have to be resolved right away, and some sleep will help you resolve the problem more effectively in the morning, go for it. My husband is a solve it now person, and I’m more of a let me think on it/sleep on it person, so depending on the issue at hand we’ll go both ways and that works for us.
Sorry, but need to add that if we do decide to revisit a topic later, after a night’s rest, we set up a specific time to come back and talk it over later so it’s not awkward to be the one to bring it up again the next day.
Amen Amy–this is exactly what I was going to say! Sometimes trying to hash through a problem late at night just results in really hurtful things being said. A few hours of rest, time on our knees, and the light of day help give us a better perspective to the problem to be discussed.
My other piece of advice is to always kiss after blessing the food and at red lights. 😀
~Married 30 years
I love the kissing idea!
I never liked that adage abt not going to sleep on your anger. I find that often, in the morning, I can barely remember what I was so angry abt the evening before. It’s hard to be loving and forgiving when you’re tired.
married 40 yrs.
Amen! The only thing that usually happens if you try to resolve everything at night, is a very bad night. Sleep on it, and often, in the morning, you don’t even believe it was an issue!
Been married 41 years. Truly.
My advice is twofold, but the two work hand-in-hand. First… Keep your eyes on The Big Picture. This isn’t a group homework assignment for the semester, or even a 40 year career… this is FOREVER. If it takes 3728 years to learn how to overlook someone’s weaknesses, then that’s what it takes, and you have that long to do it so you might as well get started on it but be patient with yourself and your spouse. Second… Commitment. Don’t give up when things get hard. Not even when things look really impossible. Stay committed to the FOREVER part. Even horrible things can be forgiven and gotten over, even if it takes those 3728 years to do it. And you have that long (and longer), because this IS forever.
18 years ago, when we’d been married for a whopping 2 weeks, I thought we were through. We’d had our first “big” fight (over who had to wash the dishes, stupidly enough) and I was sitting outside on the steps to our apartment complex, wondering how I could manage to get home to my family, a thousand miles away. I was all alone, in “his territory”, surrounded by his family and friends, with nowhere to turn and run away from having to go back inside and face him. And thank Heaven that I didn’t have anywhere to turn! It was because of that that I had to take those steps back into our front door. I realized that night that if I wasn’t even ready to make it past two weeks and a load of dirty dishes, I wasn’t ready to face forever… but that I had to anyway, because I’d promised the Lord (and my husband) I would. I didn’t want anyone else. I didn’t want to lose him. I really did want to spend eternity by his side, and as his partner… and that was going to be a lot harder than I’d though. I haven’t looked back. Millions of years of total joy together is worth 80 years of struggle and working hard to stay together, right?
This is fabulous. Thank you!
After nearly 18 years, I can assuredly say that married life will not end up like you plan. It will be glorious and at the same time, ‘grind you in the mud’ hard. Be patient with yourself, your spouse, and your children. God’s great landscape took a long time until it was considered good, though there were many accomplishments along the way. You are growing an eternal family.
Young motherhood is hard. We don’t talk about it, but it is. Be kind.
My mother always added on to the adage “never go to bed angry” with “Yes. Stay up and fight all night.” Work it out.
I’ve been married almost 28 years and I have to say that my experience has been “things will look better in the morning, hearts will be softer, perspective will be restored and we’ll be calmer and more able to work things out.” Often it helps to retreat and ponder, letting the Spirit whisper and remind of eternal things. So it’s okay to go to bed angry, rather than extend the fight and say wounding things in sheer exhaustion. My advice is to be the bigger person and apologize, even if it simply for causing or allowing contention. An apology softens hearts and restores access to the Spirit.
Married 12 years.
1) Being married requires selflessness – NEVER keep score.
2) Whatever is a big deal to them, make it a big deal to you too.
I saw an article once that described ‘bids for attention’ in marriage – even if you have zero interest in what they’re bringing up (football, opera, woodworking, Pinterest, etc.) it’s important to them, and they’re important to you. I love your advice!
Gail Martens here – I have been married to my EC Dave for almost 23 years. Couple of pieces of advice – first to Madi – Alex is your husband and as such deserves not only your love but more importantly your respect- never refer to him as one of your children – don’t fall into the social media trap of thinking jokes about your man being a big kid as funny – men do not like it nor do they find it funny. Alex – remember that we women don’t look for big demonstrations of love and devotion 2-3 times a year (valentines – birthday- anniversary) – it’s all the little gestures throughout the year that are remembered and cherished. Overall just out your EC’s needs above your own – tend your garden and you will be rewarded your whole life through.
I just realized that this may have read for just Alex to put his EC’s needs above his own. I mean that each of you tend the others needs first and look after each other
1. Go to the temple together as often as circumstances will allow.
2. Pray daily together as a couple.
3. Date once a week — a real date, just like you did before you got married.
4. Don’t give yourself an out. This will be the hardest, yet most rewarding thing you will ever do.
5. Make it about her/him and Him. Not you.
(Married since 1988.)
The longer I’ve been married (38 years and counting) the less advice I feel I can give at these shower/wedding events. So I always say, “keep your sense of humor”.
Don’t ever say, entertain, or threaten the D word (divorce). Of course, I know that some people have to choose that option, but most people don’t and it’s better to work through things as best you can. Been married 37 years. Worked through a lot of things that nobody knows about but myself and my EC.
A sense of humor is essential.
Don’t criticize or talk about your EC to others.
I agree! 20 years here, and early in marriage I was told if you vent everything to your family/friends, things you got over are still in their minds. You want people thinking the best about your spouse, so share the best. Women especially can get into husband bashing sessions. Don’t participate. Walk away or make it positive.
Also, forgive fast. Most hurts were not intended (like the socks left on the floor or dish left on the table).
The “not 50/50 but 100% each” advice has been shared already, but what you think would be their 100% might not be what they see as 100%. Love languages are different, people’s needs are different.
But above all, keep God in your marriage. Communicate the goal now for consistent church and temple attendance, family prayer, scripture study, FHE, and church service.