I’ve been watching and listening, and I’ve been thinking. Today I am going to post two quotes followed by two questions, and just a little bit of opinion. That’s it. No long dissertation or interpretation.
Ready?
Quote #1 (Source: Jesus, Doctrine & Covenants 1:38)
“What I the Lord have spoken, I have spoken, and I excuse not myself; and though the heavens and the earth pass away, my word shall not pass away, but shall all be fulfilled, whether by mine own voice or by the voice of my servants, IT IS THE SAME.” (D&C 1:38) (emphasis added)
Question #1: Do you really, truly believe this to be true, deep in your gut?
next…
Quote #2 (Source, Elder David A. Bednar, “And Nothing Shall Offend Them.”)
“However, it ultimately is impossible for another person to offend you or to offend me. Indeed, believing that another person offended us is fundamentally false. TO BE OFFENDED IS A CHOICE WE MAKE; it is not a condition inflicted or imposed upon us by someone or something else.” Elder Bednar (emphasis added)
Question #2: Do you really, truly believe Elder Bednar got it right?
Can you imagine the impact it would have on the strength and happiness of the members of the Church if we could all answer and enthusiastic “YES” to both of these questions?
It would be amazing. I can’t go a week without seeing that someone has released a new book or being interviewed about how the Church got it wrong, or about how offended they are. I can’t go a day without someone, somewhere shouting about how offended they are by a movement, an opinion, a politician, or whatever.
Answering these two questions in the affirmative make life so much simpler. How?
First, because we would be accepting that the Lord runs His church the way He wants to, and the leaders that are in place are standing in for Him. AND that we accept them as Him. There would be so much less grumbling, unhappiness and apostasy, and the outlook for personal and collective spiritual growth would be enhanced. Life would also be better for those leaders as well.
Second, if we could accept that being “offended” is a voluntary, self-inflicted wound, maybe we wouldn’t focus on it as much, be so quick to embrace it, or share so freely. Yes, I said “voluntary.” If what Elder Bednar said is true, then being offended, angry, jealous, resentful, envious, etc., or harboring any type of negative emotion is voluntary, and something we choose to do.
Tough truths, to be sure. But what a great emotional foundation they could provide for our faith in the Church and how we react towards the people in our in lives – but only if we can answer “YES” to both. If you can’t work on it.
That’s it.
Two questions. Give it some thought.
The second question is easier for me. People can say offensive things, but I can (most of the time) choose to not be offended.
The first question is a bit harder for me. The more I have studied the more I can’t say yes – or even come close to that now.
Elder Holland said he’d take sticks and stones any day, because words really do hurt. But feeling hurt when someone doesn’t like us is one thing, and using that hurt to justify sinful or rebellious behavior is another. If you’re in the wrong, look to God and repent. If you’re in the right, look to God and forgive. “If they have not charity it mattereth not unto thee, thou hast been faithful”… but this is easier said than done.
I totally agree with both statements. For a number of reasons, just taking our Father himself, there are plenty of offensive and rude things His children do and have done for all of this eternity, and if being offended was not completely within His control, then others could be responsible for some of His behavior. Completely ridiculous. None of us would accept that. Therefore, if we eventually want to be where He is and become like Him, we all have to be in complete control of all of our emotions—all the time. We may not be yet, and that is OK, but we need to be working that direction and we cannot be if we do not acknowledge that it is within our control. Often, when I am trying to teach and discuss this issue with others, I have them walk through a little exercise.
Suppose you are walking through the foyer and you over hear a visiting member of the ward say something negative about you or your family. Is it hurtful? Are you offended? How do you respond? Now go through the same scenario, only the person saying the hurtful thing is your very best friend. How do your feelings change? Why? Our feelings change based on the beliefs we attach to the stimulus and relationship. In the first instance, we can brush it off as the person not having enough information about us or our family. In the second situation, because of our relationship with the person saying it, it hurts more.
Now, our goal, is to learn to be able to respond properly emotionally in all situations we face—regardless of who says what to us, or who does what to us. How did the Savior respond on the cross? Certainly people did and said horrible things. What if He had chosen to be offended by their behavior? If He did, He could not have completed the Atonement. Because He would have made a mistake, and no longer have been perfect.
That being said, I also believe, that in forgiving others for what they have said and done, forgiveness does not mean continually putting myself into the path of abuse. I can forgive them, hope the best for them, pray for them, wish them well, and still never speak with them again, if they continue to be abusive. However, that being said, I am finding that more and more, the mean and hurtful things people have done to me, the more I understand who they are and what is going on in their hearts (through the Spirit, because I have prayed to understand them as the Savior does), I see that their behavior is one of self-protection and hurt of their own—-even one close to me who has continued to be emotionally abusive. And I have grown in my ability not be offended by him or the things he says, and I respond in a more Christlike manner—still not perfect, but working on getting there.
And every time we choose to obey the prophets, as if they are speaking for the Lord, He will bless us for that act of obedience and faith—every time. So why is there a question? If we choose not to obey, we are justifying our agency to choose not to, and will have the attendant consequences for doing so. Do I pick and choose which words I will obey? Well, I pick and choose which ones I will work on and I am not perfect in my obedience to all of them, but my heart is to be. I just can’t do everything at one time. If there are some I do not understand or agree with, I put them on the back burner as I pray to grow in faith in my desire to be obedient to the prophets, because I want to be obedient to the Lord—that is my desire. As my heart leans, my behavior follows……..
As I was exercising this morning I found myself entertaining some negative thoughts about my local leaders. These thoughts made sense and seemed justified until another scripture came into my mind that is akin to the quotes you offered:
(Doctrine and Covenants | Section 50:23)
“And that which doth not edify is not of God, and is darkness.”
I asked myself, Are these thoughts edifying me? My answer had to be, No.
So if they are not from God and are darkness, they are from the father of lies, and I knew I was being lied to. So I prayed for strength against the power of the father of lies and have felt really good all day as a result.
Thanks for this. I give these questions two YES answers.
Someone mentioned in another comment more of Elder Bednar’s council to go and work things out with the person privately. I really like that, and do that with people. I find that once we can talk one on one about whatever the issue is, the disagreement or issue usually resolves itself fairly quickly. I see this public airing of the grievances as one of the big pitfalls of social media. Plastering our offenses on a facebook thread is only going to stir people up and start fights. I know too, there are issues I have that I know bother me, so when I see them, I usually don’t comment or say anything, and try and work them out with myself and the Lord. Still working on some things, but working I am. I give the prophet and the other Brethren the benefit of the doubt too.
Dear Bro. MMM
I continue to be inspired by your timely messages and spiritual articulation. The Lord has found, in you, a true ecclesiastical conduit!…..Okay…enough big words….you really impress me with good stuff …AND your readers comments are so astute too…thank you
…..but according to the Book of Offenses I am entitled to 6 months off of church service and activity because the Sister Kelvin ……
We do NOT have the power to deny another’s agency to harm (offend) us, nor to compel their repentance, BUT we can indeed seek not “occasion against” them in ongoing resentment, and forgive them to the extent that is possible for unrepented wrong (even the Lord cannot forgive them w/o their cooperation)… I presume that matches what Elder Bednar meant.
“forgive them to the extent that is possible for unrepentant wrong” is completely. 100% forgiveness – or else we don’t merit the Atonement.
Sometimes 100% forgiveness is beyond our ability as natural humans, at least for a while. But as Elder Holland stated, we get points for trying–unless we give up trying.
Can’t find anything to support that idea that there are exceptions, or time allowances for forgiveness – if you can, please post them. Nor do I think there is such thing as “partial” forgiveness. It is either 100%, or it isn’t really forgiveness.
On the other side of the coin, “Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin. I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.” (https://www.lds.org/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/64.8-11?lang=eng#7)
Also a good read from President Hinckley: https://www.lds.org/ensign/1991/06/of-you-it-is-required-to-forgive?lang=eng
When I read the first quote and question, which BTW is a powerful and most definite YES, the spirit moved upon me with tremendous power regarding the “my word shall not pass away” phrase. What I understand from that is that it doesn’t matter when the prophet said what he said, his words shall not pass away – ever! So when we were warned to get out of debt, that hasn’t passed away, it still stands – we need to get out of debt. When we were warned that our food storage would be as important to us as the arc was to Noah, still stands – we better have food storage. When we were warned about socialism by Pres. Benson, still stands – socialism is evil, wrong, of the devil, and we should vehemently fight against it. When the Family Proclamation speaks of gender, and what constitutes marriage, still stands – so LGBT crowd, stop trying to make it pass away, or make the Lord change His mind. Sorry, it still stands. In fact, EVERY SINGLE THING THE PROPHETS HAVE SAID STILL STAND.
I think where people get offended is in that they want the Lord to change His mind (and then tell his prophets), maybe even expect that He will, and they are just offended that He doesn’t.
Which brings us to the second quote and question: If being offended is a voluntary thing, then people who get all bent out of shape that the Lord, and his prophets aren’t bending or leaning in whatever direction they feel they need to in order to not cause offense, well, it just goes without saying (I think), those people really don’t have a testimony of the first quote and question. If they had a firm testimony of the first quote then there wouldn’t ever be a need to be offended, because they would know that the Lord (and His servants) were in charge, and that whatever they say is NEVER going to pass away, but would be fulfilled. Pretty simple logic really, but unfortunately there will be those who are offended by it.
Thank you for this post
Love it as always. Thanks
Thank you for this excellent thought. The church released an article 36 years ago that really helped me see anger and resentment for what it is. Take a look because it has always helped me
https://www.lds.org/ensign/1980/02/the-case-against-anger?lang=eng
Good questions to ponder – thank you. I think that it is sometimes easy to get offended but I do need to remember that that is my decision and frankly I kind of like that since it puts me in control of my life and my feelings and not another person
As an adult convert, I have the advantage of “before” and “after” perspectives. When I was baptized, I knew the Book of Mormon was true. And, therefore, Joseph Smith was a prophet. I wasn’t entirely sure that a posse of older men in business suits were modern apostles, but I was willing to take it on faith. That testimony began to grow about a month and a half later, when I listened to my first General Conference. In the intervening years, I have come to love and trust the Brethren, and my local leadership. When I hear something that doesn’t necessarily make sense (to me) at the moment, I have learned to comply and to trust that someday I will understand the logic or reasoning behind it. I still have no idea why President Hinckley thought that one pair of earrings was sufficient, but I immediately reached up and removed the superfluous pairs and have not worn them since. I may never know. I’m OK with that. Curious, but OK, and not offended. 🙂 I loved Elder Bednar’s talk. It jibes so nicely with something that Brother Brigham is reputed to have said: he who takes offense where none offended, is a fool, and he who takes offense where it *is* intended, is a greater fool. I used both in a sacrament talk on the subject back in January. I quote them to myself on an as-needed basis. So: yes, absolutely. And yes, imperfectly but aiming toward greater consistency.
Truly believing that it is the same when God speaks through his servants does NOT mean that we have to believe that every word spoken by those same servants is the voice of God. Our leaders are human. Humans make errors. The LDS church clearly admits that prophets (Presidents) of the church have made errors in the past. I expect that they, like I, make errors now and will make errors in the future. Now, Elder Bednar is absolutely spot-on correct, in my opinion!
So that is one NO and one YES.
The good news is that we have access to the very same Spirit who teaches the prophets what to say. He will tell us if what they are saying is true–or at the very least, bring us peace while we take the time to obtain a complete answer. I love that. No need to split hairs and try to determine if it’s just a guy talking or the Lord.
I’ve learned a lot from the prophet Jonah, which has taught me about how the Lord uses imperfect people to teach a perfect message. Jonah was not perfect. Jonah did not even want to teach the people of Nineveh. He was in the wrong, and the Lord tutored him in gentle and not so gentle ways to get him to deliver His message, which was to repent (turn to the Lord) and live. The people of Nineveh did so, and they were blessed, regardless of Jonah’s weaknesses, mistakes, pride, etc. The message was the Lord’s, so the people were blessed for obeying it. It doesn’t matter if Jonah was perfect or not.
Another instance from the Old Testament teaches me how the Lord will not let his prophets lead His people astray. Moses is commanded to speak to a rock to obtain water. Moses decided that since he had previously struck a rock for water, he would do that again instead, so he did. The water did come out, and the people were blessed, but Moses was not allowed to enter the Promised Land because of it. What I learn from that is although Moses thought he knew better, the Lord did not withhold anything from the people. Moses alone was responsible for that choice, and the Lord held him accountable. I think the same is true for prophets today. Doing what we are asked because we trust in the Lord’s servants only blesses us–even when it is hard or doesn’t seem to make sense. Isn’t that why we need prophets after all? To see what we cannot see?
Awesome.
As I’ve been rereading the Book of Mormon this time around, it has struck me how many times the twelve of the Lamb are referenced. Guess it makes sense that as much as the BofM is another testament of Jesus Christ, it is also a testament of those who stand For Him in His Church. So thankful for the safety those twelve are always directing us toward, if only we will hearken!
Later in that same talk, elder Bednar says: ” If a person says or does something that we consider offensive, our first obligation is to refuse to take offense and then communicate privately, honestly, and directly with that individual. Such an approach invites inspiration from the Holy Ghost and permits misperceptions to be clarified and true intent to be understood.”
I have had the experience of trying to follow this counsel and explaining up someone that their callous remarks have hurt my feelings. My goal being to heal the rift between us that it had caused and perhaps clarify that what they said wasn’t meant the way I heard it. Their response was to tell me that it’s all on me because elder Bednar said so, using the quote you gave. I think people are missing a chance to be compassionate and learn from others when they use elder Bednar’s remarks to say anything they want with no regard for other’s feelings. So when people tell me it’s all on me and they aren’t going to apologize, I start to wonder if they are a positive influence in my life. I teach my kids to apologize if they bump into people accidentally, and words are more powerful. When you accidentally hurt someone and are made aware of it, you can apologize graciously even if you didn’t mean it. That’s common courtesy.
This comment has very much helped me today. I am in the UK and work with my own little band of Korihors. Normally they’re funny and we laugh together at their opposition to religion. Last week they became very pointedly and overtly crass and vulgar about things I hold dear (saying Jesus was “a poof or a liar” and “Mary didn’t want to tell Joseph about a fling with the Romans so made up the story” and things of a similar ilk. It was designed to be offensive, it hurt but I held my tongue in the moment because adding contention to a volatile situation wasn’t going to help, and they were mocking me saying “you say you have a thick skin, what about this one…”. Afterward I approached them one by one and chatted away from their buddies egging them on and asked if they thought it was still funny and cool to do that? Thank you for your comment. It has helped.
Spot on — as usual.
Love it.