Magic Markers and Understanding

My EC and I were driving someplace and the song “Ordinary Love” by U2 was playing (Amazing song, by the way). There is a line that jumped out at me, but not for the reason you might expect.

“Your heart is on my sleeve
Did you put there with a magic marker?
For years I would believe
That the world couldn’t wash it away”

I turned to my EC and said, “I think Bono could be showing his age.”

I went on to explain that “Magic Marker” might not be a something that younger people are familiar with. When we got home, I asked our sixteen year old if he knew what a Magic Marker was. His response? A blank stare.  Then I said the word “Sharpie,” and the lights went on. I was right: He didn’t know what a Magic Marker was.

For those of you who also don’t know, back when I was a boy, Magic Markers were the new, and best permanent markers. I researched and found that permanent markers were first made popular in 1953 when a guy named Sydney Rosenthal released the Magic Marker. For me, we called any markers Magic Markers, just like kids nowadays call most markers Sharpies.

Just for kicks, I asked some Facebook friends how their kids responded when asked if they knew what a Magic Marker was. Here are a few responses:

• My 17 yr old says, “Is it the one that changes colors while you draw?”

• My kids were bewildered, too, and they’re adults.

• “What is that? Is there a picture of it? Does it have invisible ink?”

• My 23yo said, “is it a thing you can erase marks from your clothes with?

• “Ummm, it changes color when you write.”

You get the idea. Something that was so familiar to me is completely unknown to the next generation. No, that is not the point of the post – it is merely the pre-game warm-up.

When I was a younger man, I was dating a wonderful young lady who was a convert to the church. She had been battling a pretty rough case of the flu for a few days and asked me to come over and give her a blessing. I grabbed a friend and headed right over.

We showed up in our priesthood-best. Her mom answered the door and let us in, looking concerned. She was not a member of the Church, but has always been supportive of her daughter’s membership.

She showed us into the front room where the sick friend waited. She looked really sick. We sat down on the couch, and in missionary fashion explained about the priesthood, and the process of blessing the sick. We then proceeded to give the blessing by anointing her head with oil, then sealing the anointing and giving a blessing.

When we finished I looked up and saw the mom openly weeping. Now I knew that the blessing was fine, but it was not one that necessarily called for such strong emotion. Concerned, I asked her if she was okay, and what was wrong. Her answer floored me.

From the moment she opened the door and saw us, through to the end of the blessing, she thought that we were thee to perform “Last Rites,” which is an ordinance in the Catholic Church that involves anointing and blessing someone before they die. Not understanding our religious practices, she truly thought that we were there to send her daughter into the next life.

We took some time to re-explain what I must have explained poorly before, and to console and reassure her that we were not performing “Last Rites,” but offering a blessing of recovery. We all learned a lot. Especially me.

Now to the point of the post:

Whether we are talking about permanent markers or priesthood ordinances, we need to remember that there is a possibility that the person on the other side of the conversation has absolutely no idea what we are even talking about. Our life experience dictates our understanding, and our understanding dictates our lexicon. As does theirs. There is a very good likelihood that they are strikingly different.

Something I easily understand might be a completely foreign concept to you, while something you clearly understand might have a completely different meaning for me.

I have kids ranging from sixteen to thirty. It would be naive for me to think that I understand what is going on inside their heads all the time. It is remarkable how much can change from one generation to the next.

The problem is that if I have different connotations for words, and a different understanding of religious concepts than other people, how can we talk about them together? What often happens is that when we try to, we end up talking past each other, rather than really communicating.

The miscommunication isn’t necessarily about religion. Social issues and politics can present a huge divide in our personal understandings and how we express ourselves. When I was young, there was a lot of talk about a “Generation Gap.” You don’t hear that expression very much anymore, but it can be a very real thing. I have watched and seen some impressive arguments roll out that were based on two people defining the argument differently.

When we are discussing religion with other people, especially people outside of our faith, it is not only very possible, but very likely that we will not share a common lexicon – especially with words and concepts we take for granted. Things like:

• Grace

• Salvation

• Faith

• The Trinity

• Priesthood

• Gospel

• Atonement

• Christianity

and many more. Don;t even get me started on the word “Love.” People use and abuse this word like a rented mule for social and political purposes, yet rarely do they seem to truly understand what it is.

If you ask members of thirty different faiths about salvation and grace, you will get thirty different answers. When we are talking with people who believe differently than we do, often we launch into explanations or discussions that presuppose a shared understanding of a concept. Apparently, that kind of assumption can reduce a grieving mom to tears.

One of the best ways to understand what is going on in someone else’s head is simply to listen to them. President Nelson gave a talk entitled, “Listen to Learn.” He made the point that “Opportunities to listen to those of diverse religious or political persuasion can promote tolerance and learning. And a good listener will listen to a person’s sentiments as well.”

He also brought it closer to home when he said, “Parents and teachers, learn to listen, then listen to learn from children. A wise father once said, “I do a greater amount of good when I listen to my children than when I talk to them.”

Beyond listening, it can require study to understand what other’s might be thinking. Ours is not the only religion out there. If you want to understand what “The Trinity” means in another Church, you might have to study it out in order to have a legitimate conversation about it. One of the more surprising moments of my mission was explaining to a nun that her religion did not actually accept that God the Father, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost are the separate individuals – even as she insisted that it did.

As we listen and make a serious attempt to understand the viewpoints of others, we will find that we can actually communicate, rather than just talk past each other. In a society that relishes confrontation and disagreement, a little intellectual empathy could lower the temperature.

Listening and developing empathy for another’s viewpoints does not mean that we have to accept them as truth. Understanding them better can help us feel more assured in our own beliefs.

As a father, I ask a lot of questions of my adult kids. I want to know what they think, and their opinions that extrapolate to their generation. I can’t afford to be stodgy in my hope that everyone understands things to be the way I think they are, or should be. Without that empathy, the walls go up, and the conversation slows. The same goes with my youngest son, the last one at home. We get into some ferocious discussions, and when we are disagreeing, it is usually because we are arguing an ill-defined premise, or there is a core misunderstanding.

Listen, studying and searching for empathy can help us get past the roadblocks that prevent us from understanding, and communicating – and loving each other.

My Magic Marker might be your Magic Eraser.

 

 

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