The Expulsion From the Garden
Engraving by Gustave Dore (1832-1883/French)
(Cool, isn’t it? Bigger version here)
(Cool, isn’t it? Bigger version here)
My home is a lot like the Garden of Eden. Except the clothes wearing, weed pulling, and sweaty-faced bread eating. Fortunately no fratricide to date. Because I am so familiar with this “Eden-like” setting, it might be a good time to continue our discussion on agency, kids & parenting. (OK, not so much of a “discussion” more like a one-sided quest to enlighten. You know, like the “discussion” in High Priest Group today.) The best place to read up on Adam & Eve is in the Book of Moses in the Pearl of Great Price – just in case.
We join Adam and Eve, running around the garden in a state of naked, childlike innocence. Parents? We know that God himself took on that task, so if there is anybody we should take parenting lessons from, it is Him.
There are a pair of verses in Moses 3 that will teach us more about parenting than Dr. Laura could in an entire year.
3:16-17 “And I the Lord God, commanded the man, saying: Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat, but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it, nevertheless, thou mayest choose for thyself, for it is given unto thee; but, remember that I forbid it, for in the day thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.”
Point #1: Set the stage: You can eat from every tree. (Shine some perspective on the situation)
Point #2: Lay down the ground rules: You can’t eat this one particular fruit.
Point #3: Acknowledge agency: You may choose for yourself.
Point #4: Give your guidance: Remember that I forbid it.
Point #5: Lay out the consequences for the wrong choice: Thou shalt surely die.
Point #6: Make sure the consequences happen. Immediate: Out you go. Eventual: Death.
Got that? Easy. Now before we put this into practical application, I would note that if you have naked kids running around your house eating fruit and playing with snakes, you already have your hands full.
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The hypothetical 14 year-old “Katie” has a room that looks like a bomb went off – clothes, book, trash, paper, on a biblical scale. Mom attempts the Eden Method:
#1: Katie, you obviously have a lot of nice stuff, I didn’t realize you owned this much clothing.
#2: You need to start keeping your room clean.
#3: It is up to you if you do it or not.
#4: I want you to keep it clean.
#5: From now on, you can only use the computer if your room is clean.
#6: Boom. Computer is locked up with a password.
Was that mean? At least Mom never used the words “forbid” or “die”. Toughest part? Watching Katie grouse around and be hateful until she realizes that unless she cleans her room, her Facebook account will lie dormant.
Watch out for when Mom and Dad start to argue about if they should really stick to their guns and enforce the consequences. Our family tradition? My EC is a softie and convinces me to cave. Sometimes.
—-
I have a friend who has a son getting ready to graduate from High School, and will be turning 19 this fall. Dad wants his son to serve a mission, but the son got a football scholarship and is excited to play instead of serving. As we discussed it, Dad made a couple of statements that really surprised me. I asked him if he told he son that he thinks he should serve a mission, he replied, “I don’t want to pressure him. I want him to make up his own mind.” I said, “You’ve told him you want him to serve, right?” He said “No, I don’t want to do anything that might take away his agency.”
What? First of all, you can’t take away someone’s agency. (See Elder Packer here.) Second, it is your JOB to tell him what you think he should do. That is what parents do! Kid’s aren’t supposed to grow up to be psychic. Withholding parental opinion is abdicating the very job God entrusted us with.
Can you imagine if God had said to Adam & Eve: “One of the trees here might kill you, but I’m not going to tell you which. Good luck!”
It sounds ridiculous, but I’ve done it. Sometimes I have watched from the sidelines and then feel disappointed when the FOML doesn’t do things the way I secretly wanted. Yeah, it is kinda lame.
So, for football boy…
#1: Son, you have been blessed with some really great opportunities.
#2: You need to serve a mission.
#3: It is always up to you if you go or not.
#4: Your mother and I want you to serve, so does President Monson, and so does God.
#5: If you don’t go, you will start walking down a wrong path. We cannot support you in doing this.
#6: We are not willing to help you financially in college. That includes the car and phone.
Startling? Yes. Difficult? Absolutely. Guaranteed results. Absolutely not. The son still has his agency intact, but at least he knows exactly where his parents, leaders and God stand on the issue. Remember, as parents we will be accountable to God as to whether or not we were willing to “take a stand” when necessary.
Best case scenario: The son will recognize the seriousness of his parent’s desire, and do some soul-searching about his choices.
One of the most difficult parts is still sticking to your guns in point #6, but if we cave in, it renders the whole process worthless. It would have been as if God had said to Adam & Eve, “I see you partook of the fruit, but I feel so sorry for you that I decided not to kick you out. Just promise not to do it again.”
– Thankfully, He didn’t do that, or it would have all ended before it even got started.
(Yes, I am anticipating some “blow back” from some of you. As always, comments are welcome. And I can delete them.)
This is amazing. Absolutely amazing! I’ve been looking for awhile now for a way to “raise the bar” on our parenting and this has been an answer to our prayers. I think I’m going to spend some time studying this idea out further. THANK YOU!
Thank you! I am dealing with this with my 12 year old now. I learned the hard way with my 25 and 24 year old who told me I made the world seem so much easier and when they got in it they were not prepared. I learned a valuable lesson and unfortunatly I will pay the ultimate price in the end. I will not repeat it however. I have 4 more at home and I am finding better ways to stand my ground and they know that I mean buisness. I give choices, they can have good or bad consiquences depending on the good or bad choice. Parenthood is NOT easy but, at least we can inspire eachother as parents. Thank you for your help and the reminders to keep a solid backbone. I am a paret first and a friend last, it took years to learn that. After all, we are here to become like our father and how can we be like him if we don’t mean what we say when we say it? He always has.
I wanted to point out that this method works for all children not just for teenagers. My 6 year old responds to this method. Awesome post!!!
I completely agree with this philosophy. I have always been a fan of Love & Logic for this reason. It works off of agency and consequences. I think the only thing that you left out in your discussion was that God was loving. He didn’t get angry, scream, and ridicule. He didn’t lecture on what a terrible decision that was and how disappointed he was. He simply explained and executed the consequences.
My mom just “liked” you on facebook so I came over to see what she was reading. This post is great! I love the steps outlined – it’s not always easy to articulate to kids the rules that matter, but this is pretty clear and helps me organize my thoughts. And following the example of our Heavenly Father means we know we are doing it the right way. Thanks!
I want to share this with everyone I know!
I’m not a parents, but I’ve always believed this. God didn’t say after they ate the fruit. “I told you not to eat that! NEXT time I’ll mean it!” Or “I’ll give you a second chance.”
The break down of the how do is good!
I am really slow to this post, but there always seems to be reasons for when and how things occur in life.
To Regan, who commented above. How I admire you raising children as widow. What a difficult job that must be, yet how blessed you have been for your perseverance and faith. I bet you are looking forward to a Christmas call from the mission field soon! How marvelous.
Thank you, MMM, for your guidance and counsel. Even though you wrote this months ago, it is extremely useful to me right now!
I’m so glad I found your blog! Even before reading this I had a college football bound son. I spent 19 years teaching him about the responsibility to serve a mission. He wanted to flatten people instead of enlighten people. “It is your choice,” I said through gritted teeth, “but in my home (I’m a widow) we serve the Lord. The living prophets have explained young men need to serve. If you choose not to serve you can have your own home and follow the rules you want to have.” I gave him 3 months to decide. Six months later papers are in and we are getting some wisdom teeth removed…missionary not me. I need all the wisdom I can get.
To all the mean moms out there… Thank you. For teaching me how to discipline my own children, thanks for teaching me that sometimes life stinks, and I have to follow the rules or live with my decision. At home and eventually in real life. Because when I moved out and started a life of my own I realizes there is not always someone there to rescue me, and hard decisions have to be made. If I make a wrong decision now there will be noone there to feel sorry for me and remove the consequences. Thanks for teaching me with the smaller choices of youth, it made it a lot easier when I had to grow up, the transition was much easier and I didn’t have to rely on my parents to bail me out.
Thanks for this! We’ve been having some disciplinary problems with our daughter and I’m at my wit’s end! I’m also a softie, but after this I think I’m ready to be a “mean mom!” 😉
I don’t know why you would get a lot of backlash-this is very well written. And yes it is sometimes hard to follow through with consequences though so important to do.
When I was bishop…
…just kidding..
Great breakdown on agency and consequences!
When I was bishop I had the sad misfortune to have one missionary come home early, his president having determined that the bar (for him) was not high enough. It is a circumstance that has always saddened me and my SP and I had worked together on that case for some time. But in the end, this young man made some choices in the field that — while not discipline worthy — were detrimental to the work.
In the end, of course, the mission president was the right one to make that judgement, and we supported him in it (and the young man as he returned), but I would be happy never to repeat the experience.
And you’re right — age 19 is probably the wrong time to start teaching a young man that you want him to go on a mission.
How about not offer to pay for the car and phone regardless if he serves a mission. Too many kids think that these are rights to be provided to them by their parents. These are luxuries, not necessities which we rationalize them into. The reward for choosing the right because you love God should not be compared to cell phones and cars. You know you have done a poor job parenting when your teenagers start saying “that’s not fair!”
Paul. I completely understand your point. In my years as bishop, the motivations for missionary service became readily apparent. A boy who goes on a mission to get a car should be vetted and postponed well before he hits the MTC. (all part of the “raising the bar”.) Hopefully, with time and effort, proper motivations will emerge.
Yes, you can’t always jump to the “nuclear option”. The gradation of consequences is a process that should be done well in advance, under direction of the Spirit. (D&C 121)
Thanks for your great insight.
Hmmm… I completely get and support the Katie of dirty room example.
As for the mission — do we want another, “I’m only here so my dad will pay for college” missionary? I remember teaching an “I’m here for the car my dad promised me when I finish my mission” missionary in the MTC years ago. He never grew out of it his whole mission long. My BIL happened to work with him in the mission field, and the guy was no picnic of a companion.
That said, your friend-Dad should DEFINITELY tell his son he wants him to serve! And he DEFINITELY should help his son learn how to get the answer that he should serve. And he could take other Eden-like steps that would be less than sending the “give me the money” Elder into the field. For instance, that first year of college could be conditional upon successful completion of Missionary Prep or another institute class.
In any case, our children will not always be happy with what we do as parents. If they are, then we’re probably not doing enough parenting.
Once again you have taught an old lady new tricks (can I say tricks? Cause its really not a trick, oh well, trick it is.) Now I need to have my DH read this so we can be in the same boat.
Thanks for the lesson!
I have to admit to being a bit of a softy myself. My sweetie calls me the “advocate with the father,” as in him, not our Father in Heaven. I think every child needs an advocate on all levels. By the way, someone at church today mentioned that they saw your button on my blog and they think you are incredibly funny!
Sandy
http://www.twelvemakesadozen.blogspot.com
Enforcing the consequences is always the hardest part. I’ve been told multiple times that I am the meanest mom in the country.
Thanks for this. I’m sure I wouldve come up with this eventually on my own if I would dig a bit deeper into scripture STUDY and not just reading! 😀
This is good. Heaven help me remember all these lessons when my little ones become big ones!