What I’m Thankful For in One Fell Swoop

I am not going to parse out my gratitude list one measly day at a time.  It is just bursting out of me.

I looked at my list from last year, and realized that I am grateful for a lot of the same things. Other things…not so much gratitude as last year.  So I edited it: I took out the name of the “Movie That Must Not be Named.” (MTMNBN) I added some new things, and removed some old ones.

Since most of you were not following my blog at this time last year, I could have passed this off as “All New Gratitude“, but I respect you too much for that. Instead, I will call this “New and Improved Gratitude.”  There is no warranty.

The List

1)  Family, faith, friends, food, clothing, shelter, etc. (Yes, I know – #1 is nothing more than a composite of all the obvious stuff I’m thankful for. Let’s move on.)

2)  I’m thankful that I don’t have to blog on gold plates. Not so much because the engraving would be hard, but because gold is currently over $1700 an ounce. (And you thought e-books were still too expensive!)
3) I am thankful that my 10 year-old thinks it’s awesome to eat the turkey heart and neck with me. (Gizzards: Yes. Liver: No.)
4)  I am thankful that none of the current hymns in our LDS Hymnal were composed by Justin Bieber.
5)  I am thankful that my EC is so blinded by love that she doesn’t point out what a dork I am. Very often.
6)  I am thankful that I have music veto power when I am driving the family car, and I’m not afraid to use it.
7)  I am thankful that so many of you have already pre-ordered my book. (LINK HERE)  Order now to be in time for holiday gift giving!
8)  I am thankful that rich people in Nigeria think highly enough of me to offer to share their wealth with me on a regular basis.
9)  I am thankful that people don’t greet each other the way dogs do. Usually.
10)  I am thankful that my ancestors procreated. Attaboy Gramps!
11)  I am grateful that I am one of the few people online who know how to spell the word “lose” correctly.
12)  I am that my son who played Mumford and Sons continually, is now serving the Lord on a two-year mission in a far off land.
13)  I am thankful that I don’t need to remember to wind my watch. I am thankful if I even remember to wear it.
14)  I am thankful that if you search hard enough, you can find an Oriental market that carries Panang curry paste.
15)  I am thankful that in 30 years, nobody has ever beat me in a Boggle match. Ever. (‘Humility’ is an 11 point word.)
16)  I am thankful for caller ID that shows up on my TV so that I can know who I am ignoring when I’m watching The Amazing Race.
17) I am thankful that my mission in life is not trying to explain why I am right and the Church leaders are wrong.
18)  I am thankful that no angry stranger has ever shown up at my house wanting to “discuss” my latest post.
19)  I am thankful that my EC assigned dog poop cleanup to one of my boys.
20) I am thankful that I am a man. And by ‘man’ I mean that I don’t drink Diet Coke, care about MTMNBN, or buy stuff on “Etsy”.
21)  I am thankful that you can’t catch the Black Plague by sharing chips and salsa.
22)  I am thankful that every dating relationship I ever had ended in failure. Except one.
23)  I am thankful that none of my kids have stupidly-spelled stupid names.
24) I am thankful that mormon.org does not sell our profiles to eharmony.
25) I am thankful that Viagra commercials merely show old people walking on the beach, etc.
26) I am thankful that I am at the top of mCat’s organ donor list, in case I need a new, healthy kidney. Even though she jests.
27)  I am thankful that God doesn’t always answer my prayers, and that He doesn’t always grant my desires. Some of them would have really messed up my life.
28)  I’m thankful that that foam drink cups don’t leave rings on my nice wooden desk. I understand that styrofoam might be bad for the environment and could lead to the devastation of our planet. I consider it a fair trade.
29)  I’m thankful that Norman Jewison cast Topol as Tevye in Fiddler on the Roof,  instead of Zero Mostel.
30) I’m thankful that society hasn’t duped me into thinking that I need eyelash extensions.
31) I’m glad that J. Lo doesn’t live at our house, or visit very often.
32)  I am thankful that I can count on some of you to always get the joke.
33) I’m thankful that I don’t enjoy killing stuff and mounting monuments of death on my walls.
34) However wrong it may be, I’m still thankful for Mountain Dew.
35)  I’m thankful that people often mistake me for Bradley Cooper.
36)  Wait! Got a little out of control – that last one was not entirely honest.
37) I’m thankful that whenever someone posts something stupid on Twitter, a penny is deposited in my Cayman Island account.
38)  I’m thankful that I have never mistakenly used anchovy paste to brush my teeth.
39)  I’m thankful that nobody has ever thrown beads at me, expecting me to take off my shirt. Yet.
40)  I’m thankful that I will never, ever, ever have a picture of Santa kneeling before the baby Jesus in my house. Ever.
41)  I’m thankful that Moroni decided to go back and add those last ten chapters. Kinda important.
42)  I’m thankful that whenever I overdraw a bank account, I don’t get cast into debtor’s prison.
43)  I’m thankful my wife has learned that Miracle Whip is an abomination.
44)  I’m thankful that shampoo doesn’t smell like it sounds.
45)  I’m thankful that all of my kids will eat broccoli, asparagus, brussel sprouts, squash, sauerkraut, fish, etc.
46)  I’m thankful that the Prophet Joseph got locked up in Liberty Jail, so that we could have D&C 121.
47)  I’m thankful that I don’t have to walk 5 miles a day for clean drinking water, and I can drive 2 miles for a 44oz soda.
48)  I’m thankful that I am old enough to remember Elder LeGrande Richards.
49)  I’m thankful that the Election is over, and the world didn’t come to an end. Apparently it will be more of a gradual process.
50)  I’m thankful that toilets don’t operate on the same principle as garbage disposals.
51)  I’m thankful that I was done with The Brady Bunch before Cousin Oliver started showing up.
52)  I’m thankful that I have all my fingers – unlike my Jr. High Wood Shop teacher who had already lost 4. (Hopefully he changed careers soon after)
53)  I’m thankful that we can sleep at night knowing that Jack Baeur is out there keeping us safe.
54)  I’m thankful that it has been revealed that there will be tater-tots in the Celestial Kingdom. (Still trying to find the citation on this…)
55)  I’m thankful that the Millennium is not here yet, because I enjoy the whole ‘growth through opposition’ thing.
56)  I’m thankful that I feel absolutely no “PC” pressure to “pardon” our turkey. It’s already dead.
57)  I’m thankful that most of my good friends are smarter than me. Keeps me on my toes.
58)  I’m thankful that when I go to the beach, no one has ever tried to roll me back into the ocean. So far.
59)  I’m thankful for the cool Christmas light repair gun that my EC found for me. It is miraculous, and will make my home a happier place this weekend.
60)  I’m thankful that mormon.org has not requested that I film a video segment. I’m afraid it might come off a little too “Elephant Man-ish”.
61)  I’m thankful for 10 minutes of focus before Sacrament meeting starts. (Soft seats too)
62)  I’m thankful that I have incredible night vision without having to be a vampire.
63)  I am thankful that one day – hopefully before I die – Adam Sandler will stop making movies.
64)  I am thankful that I don’t have to follow Jewish dietary restriction. (Meaning: I love pork products and shellfish)
65)  I am thankful for Grace Kelly. Especially in Rear Window. (Sorry, Dear)
66)  I am thankful that there are people in Africa that are alive because of humanitarian work I have been blessed to be a part of.
67)  I am thankful that I have been fortunate enough to travel extensively. (I wasn’t too impressed with Scranton, PA)
68)  I am thankful for cheesecake. Just regular cheesecake – you don’t need to fancy it up.
69)   I am thankful that God does not punish me swiftly or publicly. That would be painful and embarrassing. And frequent.
70)  I am thankful that I am not a victim of anything but my own bad choices.
71)  I am thankful that my sons now have the strength to do hard chores. Now for the desire.
72)  I am thankful – every workday – that when the staff leaves, I can turn off the country music.
73)  I am thankful that none of the FOMLs could be described as “Mormon Hipsters”. (And I mean on-my-knees thankful.)
74)  I am thankful that my eldest is old enough and smart enough that I can ask her opinion on important matters, and not have to pretend to care what she has to say.
75)  I am thankful that our dog cannot talk. Based on his personality and behavior with his ball, he would probably never, ever shut up. Ever.
76)  I am thankful that Mozart was prolific in his short 35 years of life.
77)  I am thankful that I live in a country that won’t kill me if I voice my disapproval with the government.
78)  I am thankful that the only heels I will ever wear were platform shoes in 1978. (WIth Angel Flight pants, of course.)
79)  I am thankful that my kids reach a point with their music that their practices become something I desire to listen to, rather than suffer through.
80)  I am thankful that Handcart Re-enactment Treks are not weekly occurrences.
81)  I am thankful that I don’t wake up every morning and wonder what I should be doing with my life. What to do with a day off, maybe.
82)  I’m thankful that the vultures were able to help Mowgli escape from Shere Kahn.
83)  I’m thankful that Ben & Jerry’s is sold in convenient, single-serving containers.
84)  I’m thankful that my deceased parents can’t watch everything I do from the Spirit World. At least I hope they can’t.
85)  I’m thankful that my car does not burst into flames when I drive over a lit cigarette that some moron tossed out his car window. (It is a real phobia of mine, however.)
86)  I’m thankful that I’m not one of those people who feel compelled to constantly tell everyone how much they love “Psych”.
87)  I am thankful that my resemblance to George Clooney is merely superficial, because I believe in marriage and family.
88)  I am thankful that God created beaches, and I think it is a bummer that during the millennium we will lose most of them as the land masses become re-united.
89)  I am thankful that my EC and I cook together often, and that we are both good at it.
90)  I am thankful that I have never been eaten by sharks or piranhas when I have been waterskiing.
91)  I am thankful that we are not required by law to paint our houses pink for breast cancer awareness.
92)  I am thankful that I have been married for more than half my life, and that it is better than my wildest dreams.
93)  I am thankful that I didn’t die from radiation poisoning from playing with broken thermometer mercury when I was a kid.
94)  I am thankful that I don’t work at Victoria’s Secret. I get uncomfortable just walking by, and I would get in trouble for discouraging customers from buying items that aren’t flattering for their body type.
95)  I am thankful that Blogger has not deleted my account, even though there have probably been requests.
96)  I am thankful that I was too young to know anything about women’s health when Tony Orlando and Dawn had the hit song “Candida”.
96)  I am thankful for the traditional Thanksgiving feast, although I have been slow to embrace cranberries.
97)  I am thankful that Louis Armstrong sang “What a Wonderful World” because he was the coolest, and that’s how I feel.
98)  I am thankful that my wife doesn’t snore like I do.
99)  I am thankful that I live at this time, and in this place, fighting the battle with my beautiful wife by my side, in an eternal family unit, fully, inextricably immersed in the gospel of our Savior.
100)  I am thankful for my life. All of it. (I could do another 500, but you get the point.)


101) I am thankful that so many witty, intelligent and extremely attractive people find the time to read my blog. I appreciate your comments. And thanks to all you newbies that have signed up lately.

About the author


  1. I’m new to the blog, but from reading this, I think you and EC and me and my EC could be good friends. We have 5 FOMLs too, 3 gone and 2 at home . . .
    We also put forth the Boggle challenge . . .

  2. Have you seen the SNL rendition of them filming “Rear Window?” Grace Kelly has gas the entire time and just about kills everyone on set. It is AWESOME, in case you need something to do today at work before the real fun begins tomorrow!

  3. After I read #11, I’m pretty sure now I’m an eternal follower. “loose weight”??? GAH! Not a pretty mental picture. And I’m old enough to remember anticipating Elder LeGrand Richard’s talks, wondering what he was going to say…..

  4. Today has not been one of my better days but abt 30 minutes ago I clicked on this blog…my face is still wet from laughing so hard. But then, I’m sorry to say, I killed a small tree. I couldn’t read all of the comments without printing out the whole 101 so that I could look up which items they were talking abt. I’m also embarassed to tell you that 3 of the names mentioned, I knew not. And that did not include Elder LeGrand Richards (I can still hear his voice.)Loved it. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

  5. I love Rear Window! I’m pretty sure its the only Grace Kelly movie I’ve ever seen, but it is excellent. I even got to see it for the first in a theater, which I’m sure helped my opinion of it.

  6. #83. Amen. You do mean pints, don’t you?
    #98. Does she snore differently than you do? (I snore differently from Beloved, because I am the one with the Luke-I-am-your-mother CPAP, so mine are mostly-stifled by the chinstrap). Mostly.

    1. Yes I meant pints – I hope you didn’t think I meant the bite-sized taster cups.

      My wife’ snoring is rare, and like a peaceful breeze that calms me and brings me joy. (Hopefully she’ll read this.)

  7. I was going to say something witty and such, but then I decided to go with the truth: I’m thankful you started blogging. Truly.

  8. (Tom speaking here, just FYI)

    #15–I suspect that it’s easy to never lose a match when you’ve never played (gauntlet is 11 points too)

    #54 2 Nephi 9:14 works for me (covers a double Whopper with cheese too)

  9. LOL . . . A ROUSING ‘amen’ to your #9 . . . Yeah, just AMEN to that . . . LOL . . .

    #17 is both thought provoking AND very apt . . . I, too, am VERY grateful for that . . . (for ME, not you, though I am, of course, ALSO grateful it is true of you as well) . . .

    #24 . . . LOLOLOL!!!! What is up with the two side-by-side bathtubs?!?!?? I mean, really . . . *I* am oldish and I still have NO clue why side-by-side bathtubs on the back deck at sunset was chosen to represent ‘mature’ love . . . WTH?!??

    #40 . . . THANK YOU . . . That image SERIOUSLY bugs . . . SERIOUSLY . . .

    #69 . . . Again, AMEN . . .

  10. I love this! I’m one of the Newbies and I totally wish I’d been reading you from the first. And I can. I’ll go back. Makes me want to write a list of my own. But I can’t think of 100 things. I can go to five with my cat being one of them. Does that count? 🙂

  11. Wonderful list – for the most part

    “I am thankful that my EC is so blinded by love that she doesn’t point out what a dork I am. Very often.”
    Is that you are very often thankful? or that she does not point it out very often?

    40. We are at odds on this one. I like the image.

    88. I have often thought that about 88 and hope that something has been misinterpreted somewhere or that God will reconsider.

    I love 91 & 92 and other EC references.

  12. WOW! That’s quite a list, and for the record, the shout out DID IN FACT put you at the top of my list.

    Turkey heart and neck? What is WRONG with you?

  13. I, too am thankful that you can spell- otherwise I’d likely not be able to read your posts without screaming. ( : I hear Montserrat is pretty good at Boggle- I’d like to see what happens when the two of you go at it together.

  14. I like pretty much everything you’re thankful for, except for 43. Again, Miracle Whip is celestial, but only on sandwiches. I’ve convinced my EC of the truth, so I guess that’s a zero net gain with your EC falling to the dark side.

Add your 2¢. (Be nice.)

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